Dear Tourists

Dear Tourists,
I'm writing this letter to you in hopes to give you some understanding behind the reasoning as to why there is such a division between tourists and locals down on the Mornington Peninsula.. I also hope it helps you empathise with us (the locals)..

Just to emphasise my point, first off, here are some facts -: Around 150,000 people live on the peninsula, most in the small towns on its western shorelines... During the summer months, the population can swell to around 250,000+ people and has hit triple that on the holidays of the year like New Years Eve etc.. The coastline {I am a further down local so I'm personally talking Dromana to Portsea areas} is roughly around 20kms wide and 15kms long, so as far as space goes, you get my drift right!!??? Small space LOTS of people..

Anyway, we pretty much as a whole live here in relative peace and quiet, you cannot go down the street without bumping into someone you know, or more probable the number is 5x odd someone's you know, we are a 'community', our children even of differing schools all know each other, it is just such  an amazing place to be, and then tourist season hits.. We recognise you come down here as a get away from crazy hectic city life, hell half of us have done the same as a sea-change and stayed.. This is where the problem lies.. Let me explain from our point of view, and when I say 'our' I cannot talk for all, but its a topic of conversation we all have every year, lets hope I can articulate it properly *even if it is quite long*,,,
We drive down the street only to be cut off, glared at, completely ignored or even abused.. We cannot get a carpark for the life of us, and what you all seem to forget is we are NOT on holidays, we LIVE here, we have jobs to get to, children to run around, sports/life/family and community commitments we try to keep whilst having to keep in mind the main road in our area is bumper to bumper traffic and on average what would normally take us 5mins in our everyday travels now takes up to 40+ mins.. and even all our shortcuts and backstreets have been taken over, so let alone finding an easier way to conduct our life we worry about the volume of traffic that can affect how we allow our children to play because everyone is still on 'city' time and hoons around as if they have firecrackers up their butts.. They pay no heed to road rules or speed limits or the fact that Mr.Smiths 5yr old just got a bike for christmas and may accidentally fly out of their driveway, but alot of us locals do know these things, or we are mindful of them.. 

We shop in our local supermarkets, where we know everyone who serves us, even if its just as a quick g'day and a nod, where on a cold wet winters night we can do a whole food shop and not see another soul, yet over these summer months we try to buy essentials like bread, milk, newspapers, toilet paper even meat, and you name it we are out of luck.. Us 'locals' who still have to work and provide for our families and manage our time because we are not on holidays but still 'living normal life' cant even race down the street to buy breakfast items because it takes too long and they're all sold out anyway..

Our kids cannot go to their local skate park without any number of kids, youth or even adult's being rude if not actually aggressive.. Our teens are abused, attacked and walk around in fear of what may happen if they look even sideways at the wrong person, glassing's and knife attacks are becoming more predominant every year.. **and before people ask who I am, I am a mother of just out of school teens, still in high school teens, primary school aged, and a Kinder aged child.. I grew up from 14 onwards down here, I 'live' here, I work here, I study here, I am affected along with thousands of others on a consistent level..

Loud music is played till all hours of the night, in understandable "happiness for holiday freedom", but it doesn't help when it wakes your kids and they sob for lack of sleep or you have to be up before 6am for work etc.. Most of Us 'locals' are beach goers, we live here, so you would be correct in assuming this 'beach-life' is part of who we are.. We cannot find a spot to play with our kids, the sand and water is littered by forgotten rubbish someone left behind who appreciating their time off doesn't appreciate the paradise where they are spending it.. Our children have to wear shoes, because broken glass bottle and needles along our beachfront are becoming more commonplace.. Our community parks and playgrounds that we scrimp, save and fundraise for are vandalised, our kids wearing the aftermath of a 'fun' night out where the local park is set on fire as just happened recently, somewhere our kids can no longer play until our community fixes it..

When wandering down the plaza our children, big and small, are completely ignored, bashed into, barked at, bowled over without even the slightest use of manners, this has happened to my own children so many times I cannot count and my children have such lovely manners so this point really irritates me.. These children who all grow together, who understand more about community and respect in one breath than half the 'visitors' we see down here over the summer periods.. 

People push in line, steal carparks, drive in ways that can only be described as pure stupidity, and they wonder why we exasperatedly roll our eyes or even give back a little of what we cop.. This is our HOME, we are invaded by rude expectant people with no manners or respect for ourselves, our homes, our children, our beaches, our communities or even just a realisation they should be thankful at being able to be part if only for a little while such a wonderful place.. Who are so busy trying to be relaxed they cannot see that like a cyclone they leave behind a trail of destruction that will continue to affect us long after they have left.. 

You can scoff all you want, If you think trying to justify it away by thinking it is not so wonderful, then why are you here?? Slow down, have respect, use your manners, common courtesy, friendliness never hurt anyone, and above all be mindful that even though your fast paced life is temporarily on hold, ours aren't....!!!! ~ Written by a mid 30's mother who grew up in St.Kilda and worked in the city until her 30's {so I am no stranger to hustle and bustle} but is proud to have been part of the MP Lifestyle including bringing her own children up here for over 20yrs, and the craziness that is tourist season drives me nuts, cannot fathom how it affects the MP lifers!!!!! **please feel free to share**

Hello, How are you!!??......

""Hello, how are you? Have you been alright?
Through all those lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely nights
That's what I'd say, I'd tell you everything
If you'd pick up that telephone, yeah yeah yeah

Hey, how you feelin'? Are you still the same?
Don't you realize the things we did, we did
Were all for real, not a dream? And I just can't believe
They've all faded out of view, yeah yeah yeah""

Ok so I just stole most of a classic song by ELO (that's Electric Light Orchestra to you young'uns or non-dags or bad music listeners) as this has been running through my head most of the day.. That was, it was, until I realised that in fact it may have been echoing in the recesses of my musical mind, but my heart just wasn't feeling it..

It's amazing how little merit we give "Time out", you know what I'm talking about, those moments where we have no responsibilities or time frames and "OPN's" i.e "other people's needs" to cater too, and we can just BE! I have just spent 24hrs people free, by myself, doing pretty much, well, nothing!!! I was totally alone but oh so NOT lonely and found that nothingness can indeed be totally and utterly fulfilling..

Oh sure, I had text messages, and Facebook and inboxes to peruse but I found as a whole I didn't.. I willingly chose to disconnect, and sometimes I think in disconnecting it's how we learn to reconnect.. Not with anything or anyone but ourselves. In a world that is jacked up, and techied up, and locked in, and locked out, and pushed on, and paid for, and primed up, and giving of, and busy with, and too "noisy" to hear ourselves think, sometimes we don't stop to just stop.

I know there is that phrase you should stop and smell the roses, but fuck that, sometimes we don't want to smell the roses, sometimes we just want to disconnect and not be, just so we can be.. Does that even make sense or am I the only one who feels this way!?? I'm so busy connecting out there >>> that I forget to connect in here, I forget what colour my own eyes are or what my own smile looks like or if any thing I'm saying is really who I am or am I just saying words for the sake of it and I forget the real essence behind what my intention is.. I feel like sometimes I forget about Me.

I have laid around and watched tv, done my nails, eaten ice-cream, from a mug(!!!) that is still to my knowledge sitting on my loungeroom side table, obviously unwashed.. I had a nap and read a book and did my hair, embraced my inner geek and sat in complete silence whilst Pinteresting stuff that I will never ever do for about 3hrs, but it gave me pleasure, and that silence was the best thing I have heard in months.. I sat in the sun, and fed my pets, and tried on summer dresses and drank copious amounts of coffee whilst naughtily smoking (which I don't really do anymore unless drunk and abetted) after wondering if a bowl of cereal is a suitable dinner food all the while ignoring the ring and ding of my phones and computer and not actually 'talking' to anyone... I have lounged and lulled and lazed my way through an entire day.. I pretty much did a whole lot of nothing, without guilt, and then almost but not quite felt guilty for my lack of it until I put my Ugg boots on, realised it was a wasted emotion and decided to write this blog instead...

Sometimes we are so eager to connect with everybody else we forget that we in fact need to connect with ourselves.. Sure it would be nice to share my quiet kid free weekends with someone, preferably not of the romantic variety, someone I can watch movies with and eat popcorn with and not actually have to talk to or actively participate in an energetic swap, who has no romantic interest and doesn't care if I look like a hideous she-beast in my hoodies and jeans with the arse ripped out.. Who never questions my love of bacon or vegemite&avocado or gingernut biscuits (separately of course, not together, I am not a Neanderthal), who is just easy and requires nothing from me, but sometimes, not always just sometimes, people are too hard or have baggage or other people or little people or agenda's and you know what? I cannot be fucked with it all..

It's not personal, I just need to recharge my batteries before the universal onslaught begins again.. So I am going to enjoy reconnecting with myself and feed my soul.. I might dance around to some loud ELO and be a dag, watch every Molly Ringwald Movie ever made without self judgement or trying to appease my guilt of flaming self hatred and shame at hours wasted not fixing the world or my washing or my vacuuming..

So I'm calling myself. Back home. To me.

Disconnecting, to reconnect. I'm sure the line will be clear when I emerge..

Mama, Madly xox

40 is the new black....

So I went out on the weekend.. Old school style. Jeans, docs, hair back, totally unpretentious and totally prepared for a great night out with some girly friends..

Being a full time mum and worker I don't get a lot of me time let alone opportunities to go out.. And after the few months I'd had regarding my love life and children and working and financials with all the fluff in between, I just needed one of those easy nights out with friends and dancing and music and laughs, the kind of nights that remind you of who you are again..

The best thing about the night was the group of ladies I shared it with, all of us out doing the same thing just looking to have a good happy night, no drama, no on the prowl BS, no crazy headspaces or drunken texting and crying and feeble attempts at pretending we were having a good night, it was just real and normal and easy and we really did have a great fun night... 

At one stage I was standing there laughing along at something one of my friends said about our dagginess and my drunken "I see all" goggles hit my eyes. I found myself in this slow motion vortex actually taking what was happening around me, in the club, on board..

I am almost 40, well almost 38 which is kinda close and when I hit 35 it felt like it was just around the corner, now I feel younger than I did 5yrs ago.. I have been a mother for 18yrs, and I still have a 3yr old to get through, I'm a size 16, I bear the scars of pregnancy and childbirth, my eyes crinkle at the sides when I smile and I've found a number of grey hairs.. I have been the recipient of numerous long term relationships, some emotionally and physically abusive, some amazing but fast fading, some even boring enough to make me walk away.. I have had thousands of friendships along the way, some I am lucky enough to still keep and cherish and grow, I have had innumerable hours dressing up and down and standing in front of mirrors making myself acceptably beautiful to everyone else's standards, even on those days when I just wanted to be me and throw on a hoodie and pair of jeans and cons and chill the f*@k out on my couch like a total sloth, I have travelled and worked jobs and ridden many a car Into the ground, I have studied and learnt, I have failed and I have won beyond measure, in fact I have already had such a full life I'd need to blog twice just to give you a dot point idea.. And it's only now I am beginning to recognise it's value..

I stood in that club looking at these "kids" these people filled with that youthful elixir called the teens and twenties, and to be honest they were a fairly miserable crowd, albeit drunk and a little out of control but they were miserable and it showed.. The girls literally blew my mind with the concentration and effort they required in being mindful that their short skirts and dresses needed consistent pulling down.. When I say 'the girls' I am being quite literal in saying, yes pretty much 95% of them were so incredibly conscious of this one thing they would stop mid walk, mid dance, mid conversation, mid laugh just to recalibrate the bare skin to skirt length ratios.. There was a lot of NOT being in the moment, and being aware of this boy or that girl, of those shoes or dance moves the list goes on, that no one actually seemed to be having a genuinely good time.. 

What I realised is when I say good time now in comparison to how I felt at that age its a whole world of different.. Yeah sure I could lose 20kgs and my clothes might be a little daggy and I laugh a little too loud and my music taste is fairly trashy and has no relationship with what is considered cool today, but I love my life.. I stood there with my friends and realised I was trying to impress no one, I like myself, I didn't care if there was anyone looking or watching or judging.. I didn't care that whilst everyone else had high heeled white plastic sandals on I had on boots (which I might add are very comfortable and those horrible bloody sandals need to be outlawed, trash bagging, bogan central, I may as well be in moccies, plastic foot attire)..

I went through a stage in my 30's where I was worried and scared of getting older and looking toward the future with fear and loathing instead of looking at my current life and where I am at emotionally and recognise that I may be a lot older and bigger but I'm also a lot wiser and happier, I've never looked so good and it's because my outer life matches my inner life.. I'm not totally sure where I am going yet but I'm fairly happy with where the journey has lead me so far.. And I am embracing and loving my age because every year I just become a better me..

Just because it has pretty packaging does not mean it isn't messy inside, and in the same breath just because it appears messy doesn't mean it's not tidy and sorted... 40 is my new black and I think it's the one colour I'm going to wear with pride...

Mama, Madly xox

Stepping up!!??

Who put the step before the word Parent!? And what exactly did it mean when they did this!? I like to think it's because it means those of us who have taken on the role of Parenting someone else's child are "stepping up" into this role. A role we do not need to step up into nor do we have to place merit in yet through love and appreciation of our partners or even the children themselves we chose to.. We chose to step up to when taking them on board we also take on their children, we take on 'all' of them..

'Step-parenting' gets such a bum wrap on a fairly consistent level, do you know why!? Because it sucks, being a SP is bloody hard work, and generally unrecognised let alone rewarded.. We step up, we hand up, we give up and yet rarely is it enough.. We are always in the "you are not my mum/dad" category even if we are opening our soft and squidgey hearts to these miniature beasts who have the ability to love or hate us (or both in the same breath).. We consistently sit on the threshold of the parenting dog house when exercising our let's call it "Adult authority" shall we, because most of the time even after years of trying to exercise the 'parental' rule we either get the look, the attitude or the 'don't even go there' talk and that's just by our partner, because they cannot give up the leadership role and will not always agree with your methods even if they are right.. The step-child or SC in question is a whole other level of hell in this equation.

Don't get me wrong I am/have been a step parent for 10yrs and have done so with a loving open heart, a fairly equal opportunity parenting household (I parented, he played.. Our own warped version of good cop, bad cop) and have a fruitful loving relationship with my step daughter, hell she even chose to live with me because we get along so well..

It's the times and the moments people don't see or recognise that take their toll on SP's, the energy we expend to create a loving environment the child feels welcomed in, a space of their own, the occasional 'I will buy that for you in the act of bribery so you like me just a little bit more but if you were my own child no way would you be so spoilt' moments, the arguments we chose to not have with our partners, the battles we chose not to fight, the intimacy we lose in our relationships just by having this third party in our lives even though we have chosen it, our partners not backing us because their child comes first even when they are blatantly wrong or the drama we unwittingly create if we step the wrong way and it is not appreciated by the child &/or parent and don't even get me started in the "other" mother/father or other parent=OP.. 

Actually I shouldn't say other as you will never be the SC's mother or father, you will always be second best even if you have brought them up and given them everything there is always the threat of the OP.. Even if the OP was the worlds worst parent they will always sit that little higher than you on the throne.. You and the OP will never agree totally, that's if you talk at all, and moments of truce and solidarity will be overrun by 'he said, she said' moments especially when kids are growing up and becoming teenagers and drama is their second nature because let's face it, teenagers be they your own or anyone else's are arseholes..

 It's even worse if you don't have your own kids to add to the melting pot and you are taking them on blindsided, because then in everyone who is looking in on your relationship, if they don't have a running verbal commentary about how you have no idea what your doing their eyes say it with sparkling pleasure.. You can and more often than not do no right, step-parents = the unsung heroes, I really hope you know how to drink....

The scenario gets even more convoluted when you and your partner decide "Hey you have one or three and I have one or three why don't we cement this and have one together"... It's like using cement glue to stick together quicksand.. If it's done to 'create' a family unit it never, and I mean never works.. If it's done as a natural progression then it is always a lovely addition but there will always be a slight energetic shift in how we treat and love yours, mine and ours... I am talking from experience.. We don't mean for it to happen, it just does and even when we recognise and break the cycle and chose equal rights and treatments for all child units involved in these mixed family scenarios, it does on occasion sneak back in and the issue has to be readdressed again and again and again and well you get me.. You can feel like your on a treadmill at times and it is on a steep incline..

 I really do know what I'm talking about, I have lived this first hand and as much as it wears me out I also would not have it any other way.. I have a mixed bag, my kids are like a lucky dip, they aren't all mine and I never know what I am going to get.. It is seriously hard work but I love my kids even the ones that are not 'of' me.. SP's are also blessed everyday, with the ability to know the love of a child that they didn't not create, of having chubby and even grown arms go around our necks, emotion filled "I Love You's", the sleeping faces and the tuck in's, the laughing crazy moments filled with joy and happiness and even the moments when the SC who has left the building due to seperation walks through the door throws themselves on the couch in complete knowing that they are welcome because it is and always will be 'home' and says "I walked over here because I felt like it and I wanted to see you", and then promptly ignores you like all parent/child relationships.. It's that moment there that makes you realise not only did you get it right but I really was all worth it..

I don't know if it's a step up or out but if you take that step, that leap of faith, you will be rewarded in the most beautiful of ways.. With love.

Mama, Madly xox

Of all the virtues patience sucks the big one. ..

Do you ever feel like like you are waiting, for something, for nothing, for anything?? For the moment when your world magically joins all the dots together and your future can begin... You know because nothing speaks of a grown up, mature future more than a dot-to-dot. Like some carefully connected kindergarten picture that shows at the core, a story beginning to form, even though it is child like and rather jagged at the edges..

Well I for one am calling it!!! Bullshit!! Who and when and why was it decided that to move comfortably and rationally forward in our lives one must not only be patient, but as a virtue it must be worn with that kind of selfless wounded soldier pride that makes much in romantic movies but makes me want to do that fingers down the throat, eye rolling, vomit action of pubescent boys who havn't a mature bone in their body.. It makes me sick, really sick, in a kind of self loathing yet 'I hate people' satirical fashion that people always seem to be waiting, me included, for some magic moment to arrive so they can 'begin'... Waiting for the right job, the right partner, to lose weight, to grow hair, to grow balls, to leave a partner, to marry a partner, to stand up for oneself, to have babies, to get married, to travel, to stop travelling, to be in the moment, to stop living in the past, to start living in the now, or my favourite waiting on someone else, arghhh, the list is never ending....


Patience is not my strongest point, on any level, but it is something I have been working on for years.. I'm not saying it doesn't help one cruise a little smoother through the bowels of life when you find yourself surrounded by all the shit that comes with adulthood, I am also not saying it doesn't make those life affirming, loving, living, sweet moments, that much more saccharine sweet and fluffy, but It surely isn't the answer to how to live your life??


Maybe I am over-zealous, rebellious, immature and incapable of making choices based on rationality. Maybe I like the feeling of freedom, of choice or jumping straight in.. Sometimes I jump straight from the frying pan into the fire but atleast I know I'm still alive! I don't always think I make the best choices but I like to think I go with my gut. Sometimes an intuitive choice is so far from patience that they could be on different sides of the universe, speaking languages neither understands and you choose the scary option, the one that might be wrong but how else will you know. I've done that a lot in my life, but I've lived to tell the tale, and I've managed to raise three pretty great kids who also seem to be thriving.. So who knows hey.... 


I wish sometimes we could all throw caution to the wind and just do what we want to do, but on a deeper level I also know, that choice, like much else is an umbrella term. It has so many variables attached to it that sometimes its hard to move in any direction. This truly is when patience is our greatest virtue, knowing of change, needing the change, wanting the change but being unable to step into it for fear of all the variables.. Being an adult is hard enough, no one ever said anything about virtues and variables and choices and dot-to-dots!!!!


I'm at a point where I don't want to wait anymore, I will, but I don't want too.. I don't think it's impatience of sorts, I more believe its damn well knowing what I do and don't deserve, and I know atleast two dozen other people who are waking up to this realisation as well.. Maybe it's my age, maybe I'm just an impatient bitch and a leopard never changes it's spots.. Is this post completely contradictory?? Of course it is, I'm a human being, we are all about angles and emotion and contradiction no matter what we want anyone to believe... 


I read a quote the other day by F.Scott Fitzgerald "Why don't you tell me that 'if the girl had been worth having she'd have waited for you'? No, sir, the girl really worth having won't wait for anybody.” and funnily enough it gave me some life perspective... I get him, Fitzy and I are buds, we have the same groove. We'd give each other the silent, across the room nod, if we could, and I believe this saying with every fibre of my being, about everything.. Nothing worth losing is worth waiting for, and we should grasp at it with both hands, because sometimes in the waiting process we forget not only what it is we are waiting for we also forget why or even worse, what we are waiting for morphs into something else or moves on and nothing ever comes of it anyway..


That is, almost everything.. Something's are worth waiting for, even a lifetime for, even without the knowledge that eventually the dots will join and your patience has paid off.. More often than not I say jump, but sometimes when there is something so worthy of time it transcends it, then it is time how to learn to dance.. And dance with you patience will, It may take rhythm you do not have and steps you have not acquired, but what is time when patience is your partner??

Just remember even Fred Astaire slipped on occasion, and that's ok too :)

Mama, Madly xox

Do you actually speak...

When you are talking to others do you actually speak? Do your words come from your heart? And when you talk are you saying anything that is actually valuable? To you, as in your truth, the words that you really want to say that are not modified or held back for fear of offending or being rejected by another person!??

I've been trying so hard recently to walk my talk, and vice versa... And one of the hardest parts of this journey I've realised are words.. Said words, thought words, undefined words, unspoken words, unheard words, the list goes on.. I think in my world my biggest problem and my biggest gift are words...

Single life has been really challenging for me, being sociable, active and communicative all come easily but I'm being drawn more and more to the realisation that everyone else has a set rule of thumb regarding what is and is not said.. What is acceptable and what is a faux pas beyond measure.. What people want to hear being at war with what you really WANT to say...There are so many supposed 'rules', and not only do I not understand them it's not a game I choose to play.. Not anymore anyway..

I've met a number of guys over so many months, one whom I thought I could be myself but only he was allowed to speak and as soon as I did I became unacceptable and quickly 'deleted' from his life.. Another who I thought my friend yet he didn't hear me at all and what he did hear he used to romance me for two seconds flat, but still I wasn't worthy enough to keep around and actually 'talk' with.. Another I couldn't actually converse with, because if I had an opinion it was taken personally and so I felt like I couldn't speak.. Another I knew I could tell anything too and vice versa and I think we could have happily cruised along together but life and his relationship circumstances made me (and my sometimes crappy self integrity that always steers me right but doesn't get me what I want) back away immediately before even going there... I met another who I offered up truths too and disinterest became quickly apparent, and whilst I know it was because of my words it made me sad they were misconstrued and misunderstood... I felt like I had grown a dragons head overnight...

I've realised I can no longer be mindfully in a relationship, be it romantic or otherwise, with someone whom I cannot completely be myself and talk my talk too.. I need to be able to speak.. I need a partner in crime who allows that, just as I would allow them.. I also need a partner I don't feel the need to speak to and he gets that, and we can just be.. Sometimes I can do (and need to get away with) stupid talk, I can act like an immature kid and laugh and carry on, or I can rant and rave about the most idiotic things and yet I know that the other one is listening, even if it's with a sparkle of amusement in their eyes and they think I'm a complete dick.. Above all in the moments that I really need too, I need to know that when I 'speak' I can really speak, that my words when spoken are absorbed, I don't need them to be agreed with, not adhered to, but I most definitely need them to be heard..  

I've decided from now on, I am going to speak.. I will say what I want, when I want, to whom I want and if that scares people away then I really don't want or need them in my life to begin with.. As the saying goes, "It has taken me over 20+ years to really learn to like myself, I don't have that kind of time trying to convince you to like me as well".. You either like someone or you don't.. I am no longer going to put on airs and graces in order to attract a friend nor a mate, the right friend or partner will be the one who looks at me without the airs and graces and still thinks the sun never shone as brightly when I wasn't in their life....

The biggest present you can give anyone is to be present.. And the biggest present you can give yourself?? It's surrounding yourself with people who when you speak, you can actually speak and they in return listen... 

Ciao xx

Mama, madly xox

The unspoken journey....

Last night I watched Offspring, the show about the bumbling and relatively 'life' hopeless "Nina Proudman".. A show about how she stumbles through life, eclectic, eccentric and generally no freaking idea what she's doing.. Nina is a character I totally get and one that resonates within me.. Sometimes I laugh to the point of breathlessness because she could be me...

She lost her partner, her lover, her soulmate and the last few episodes have been dealing with her grief.. Her mothers character in the show 'Geraldine' said something thing last night to her daughter that I just got, I just felt on every level.. She looked at her daughter and vehemently said "It's your grief my darling, and fuck anyone who tells you how to do it.".. In that moment I loved Geraldine like she was my own mother...

I get grief, on my own level.. I grieved for nearly three years for my son who actually survived, my son who is still alive as I write this, but yet I grieved.. I grieved for the two times he died in my arms and in front of me, at 2wks old.. I grieved for his created disability after being born perfect and healthy and beautiful, and that my healthy baby suffered so severely from multiple strokes "just because he did"... I grieved for every single experience he would miss out on as a disabled child, I grieved for the life I wanted for him that he would not be able to live, I grieved for the struggle already past and the struggle yet to come, I grieved for his brother and sister, his father and myself.. I mostly grieved because for the first two years of his life we were told due to his epilepsy condition he would die, he would be a vegetable, he wouldn't survive and one day I would be a parent burying my own child, burying my own heart, my own soul, his life ripped from him before he'd even had a chance to live it.. I grieved so severely all the time not knowing that, that is what it was..

I remember waking up one morning, an epiphany like a  burning ball of fire smacking me in the face, and realising that I was in fact not depressed nor not coping but I was in a state of grief and it was ok to be there. 

I will never understand anyone else's grief because it's happening to them and affecting their lives in a way I will never comprehend because no one thinks or feels or lives or breaths in life, the same way.. 

I've had a lot of situations around me in recent years that involved that impermeable wall we call grief, mine and other people's..  In those personal moments when I sat bundled into the tiniest ball trying to squish myself into a size that allowed no space for me to feel anything, and the darkness surrounded my heart and soul, it was excruciating and beyond any pain I had ever felt.. It made me realise I cannot understand other people's pain but I understand my own.. Its unfathomable to even think about walking in someone else's shoes because it is a path we do not know, and will never understand.. We can see the path and know what 'it' is but unless we are that person we can never own their personal pain..

Not understanding someone else's grief is understandable, but ignoring it or pretending it isnt happening or disregarding it or even wondering why it's not happening in this way or it is happening in that way etc is just not ok... We talk about grief rarely, we do it quietly and behind our hands with our eyes looking everywhere but at the grieving person, we are uncomfortable because of the emotion others grief brings up in us but from a personal point of view I can honestly say I never needed anyone to understand my grief I just needed someone. 

I needed my friends to step up and be my friends. I needed someone to cry with, to walk with, to talk with. I needed someone to crawl into bed next to me when I was curled up in the dark on a sunshiney day and just hold my hand. I didn't need understanding I just needed my people. I needed to know in my life in those dark moments when I felt like I was free falling, I was doing it somewhere safe and if I landed with a thud it would be less so, because they were there to cushion my fall.. Mostly I needed someone who would just be, who could sit in silence with me without the need to talk, who lacked judgement at my process and who didn't bat an eyelid when my laugh went to a cry and then back to a laugh and just sat on the ride next me, my own roller coaster of emotion. I needed someone to just be.

No one can or does or will ever know your grief. You will never understand another's. You will grieve over lost relationships, lost lifestyles, jobs, people, belongings, loves.. You will grieve over deaths, of your family and friends and pets or not deaths but things not turning out the way you had mapped out your life and dreams.. Sometimes it will be big losses like a parent or a child or a sibling or an unborn child.. It might even be the love of your life.. Be it big or small it's all grief.. Any type you grief you experience is ok because it just "is what it is".. No one can tell you how to do it.. You will do it how you do, the way you do, and it is all ok.. I don't hink my grief will ever stop.. it ebbs and flows, felt and unfelt at differing times and has become a part of me, of us, of our life but the one thing I can tell you though, from experience is that even in the most barren of winters, like a butterfly cocooned awaiting the right time to transform, even in the darkest of grief there is always growth and eventually it will break through to find the sunshine.. Sometimes there really is happiness breaking through even in the saddest moments if we just allow it without feeling guilty about it... 

The question is will you trust the process long enough to develop the wings to fly..?? Better yet will you support someone else who's movement appears to have stopped?? Because trust me at the end of the road there in nothing better than having someone look at you in the way they always did and say "hey!! There you are.. It's been a while I'm so glad you've come home.. Wanna dance!?"... Xx

Mama, Madly xo

The Majesty of being Mum......

I walked outside today, to say goodbye to my little girl.. I was on my way to a lecture and she had wandered outside to meet her father who was picking her up..

In that moment as I walked out the sun hit her hair as she twirled the way little girls do, and beautiful golden blonde streaks shone out from amongst her wild auburn locks that I love so much.. She was smiling and laughing, her beautiful green hazel eyes sparkled with delight and her freckles looked like little sprinkles of happiness dusted across her face.. In that moment that over whelming love we have for all of our children welled up inside and poured out in a rush of unadulterated joy.. I scooped her up in my arms and kissed her face all over beneath squeals of delight, and when we stopped laughing I told her how much I loved her.. She touched my cheeks next to my eyes tenderly and told me I was beautiful.. I laughed it off and started tickle wars…

Whilst this was happening her father had turned up and in doing me a favour, was tinkering under the bonnet of my car which was suffering from a flat battery.. My little girl grabbed my face and said “Mummy, what’s daddy doing?” I explained about the battery and how sometimes we need to change them like in her toys.. She was totally fascinated with the engine and I was explaining bits and pieces to her being no stranger to having worked on cars myself, I’m a firm believer in anyone being able to do anything.. We spoke for a while and I eventually said “I have to go Honey, but Romy, maybe one day you could be a mechanic, and work on cars!!” To which she replied “No way, I am going to be a princess!!” “Aw my darling you already are a princess, a beautiful magical princess”…

My 3yr old daughter, my perfect, lovely, doe eyed, big hearted, porcelain skinned, English rose, freckle sprinkled, amazingly intelligent, witty, gorgeous three year old daughter turned to me and quite seriously said “No Mummy, I said I'm going to be just a Princess, I’m not beautiful……….”.. I nearly fell over.. She was told by both her father and myself in no uncertain terms that she was in fact absolutely beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, her smile was like sunshine and her eyes like little sparkling emeralds.. She did not need to be a princess to be beautiful, because she was beautiful ALL the time.. Even women who are mechanics are beautiful.. She laughed some more, hugged me and said “You are beautiful too Mummy”, and in that moment I stopped and realised my response was very, very important.. “Yes my darling, I am beautiful, and you are beautiful just like me”…

This is a blog for everyone, but more so today it is about Mothers and daughters. We as mothers realise we have an obligation to our daughters to raise them up, recognise their inherent beauty in all they say, do and are.. The one thing we forget is to also build ourselves up. We are our daughters first port of call on the self-esteem journey, we don’t think or choose not to see, that calling ourselves ugly or fat or having a bad ‘face’ day is detrimental to ourselves even though it truly is.. But even worse what we really don’t see is that little face peering at themselves and us in the mirror as we get ready to go out, copying our every move, wanting to be like us, trying to emulate the only ‘woman’ they know how to be, their Mum’s.. They see us, they watch us, they hear us, they feel us..
Every negative word you utter about yourself you are saying to you daughter. Every time you put yourself down you are putting your daughter down. Every insult you give yourself or accept from someone else without question or even in humour you are pushing your daughter’s self-esteem further and further down. You are teaching her how to be a woman, and even though you may think you are teaching her how to be amazing and strong and independent it’s those small quiet moments, the just you moments, the soft moments, the together loving moments, the one's in which you invalidate yourself that she subconsciously equates it to her own self-worth..

Please, all I ask is be mindful.. Love yourself, compliment yourself and remember every time you do you are building your most important little ladies platform on which she will stand heart in hand for the rest of her life.. You hand down your crown, is it worthy of your daughter or are you passing on a past of self loathing and hatred, a veritable crown of thorns..

She may be your princess, but to get there you have to be her Queen..

Mama, Madly… Xx

Gossipy gossipers and the darkness within....

It's been brought to my attention that I have many a story floating around the grapevines about me at the moment due to my current single life and how I am conducting myself.. I'd like to set the record straight, not for any real need to justify who I am but more for all the sad pathetic people out there who presume to know what I'm all about and have nothing more exciting to do with their time.. May they be humble enough to recognise a good starting point for change.. 

Whether people realise this or not I am an extremely private person, I only let you know what I want you to know, unless you are invited into my inner sanctum where very few precious people reside you actually know nothing about me, just as I like it. Those who are invited in, treat it like gold as it should be, and as I treat them in return. Do not assume to ever know what goes into making up me or how or why I live my life... Do not ever presume to know anyone.

I have finally after nearly a decade, found the courage to walk away from an extremely emotionally abusive relationship.. Where every movement, emotion, action, reaction and behaviour was controlled by threat, and even though it actually wasn't, it was..

Am I a truly happy person? Yes, that's the one thing I will continue to share with everyone, inner and outer circles.. I do wake up every morning thankful for the life that I have, even when I was with my ex I was thankful for life, because my son who held onto life so tenaciously, taught me that life is valuable and worthy and survival is the most important thing.. Eventually without you realising it, the dawn will come and the sun will rise and it will be a new day and everything could have changed without you even noticing..

To all the talkers and the judges and the gossipers, to the people who think they know me please check yourself, you know nothing about me.. In fact let this be a lesson because the reality is you don't really ever know anyone, you see what people chose for you to see and sometimes what you do see it is so clouded by your own judgement that you do not actually have a feel for anything remotely close to the actuality of a person or their entire existence..

Have I moved on too quickly? Too quickly for your liking?? Is it your business? It is?? Well how about this just to juice it up for you, to really prove you have absolutely no idea what your petty minds have created, here is something really real that most of you do not know... I moved on in my heart over 8yrs ago, the first time I was smacked in the face. Yes, the first time..  The first time his condition made him lash out because he couldn't sensoraly cope and that is how his coping manifested itself... A part of me almost died a long time ago, laying dormant, spirit crushed, soul destroyed, heart broken. Awaiting the spring, a time to awaken and take back the light that always shone in the centre of who I am.. To finally be able to twirl with joy in the sheer simplistic beauty of being alive.. It's just taken me a long time to pick myself up and rebuild and trust the universe and the few amazing fortunate people I love with my heart and soul whom I allow into my private world.. There is an *NB below this blog explaining Aspergers and ODD which is what my ex partner suffers from..

I spent so many years excusing my life and hiding the truth, the shame unbearable because people are revolting and judge before ever knowing the reality.. Finding it hard to explain that even in those awful moments there was also moments of love and happiness.. Happy children never being exposed to the severity of it but knowing something wasn't quite right.. That the bad moments got less and less over the years, as he learnt to control his condition, and I always mindful as much as it felt it, it wasn't personal, not that it made it any less horrible, and when it was good it was wonderful and when it was bad it was hell on earth.. The need to escape never leaving.. The fear of leaving always there, making sure no sudden movements were made.. Just stuck and alone..

If you feel ashamed right now because you know you've been that judgemental person to anyone, use it, turn that guilt around and use it to better yourself and be mindful everyday that your thoughts can either poison the energy or build someone up who really needs you to be their champion at that time, even if you don't realise it.. People, men and women alike, are stuck in these situations all the time, and sometimes just need a kind word.. Don't judge me, I would never, ever, judge you.. Don't judge anyone else either..

Have I moved on? Am I socially active? With a wonderful life and group of friends?? Do I smile and laugh everyday? Is every single day like looking at a magnificent sunrise for the first time?? Is the promise of new love and nurturing calling to me? Of course it is.. I'm a human being, I'm a woman, and at the age of 37 I finally am in a space to know I deserve happiness, so much happiness, and I have so much to give.. I am no longer being held in stasis by the judgements of those who do not know me and have never ever walked a day in my shoes let alone can understand even on an intellectual let alone emotional level the path I have travelled.. I have an appreciation for life and living most people will never be able to understand, to actually fathom it on the levels that I even just feel it.. I have a zest for life that I refuse to hide for anyone.. It permeates all that I am..

I am a courageous warrior, a fighter, a survivor, and I take pride in where I finally am...

We only have one life, I'm living it.. If you're invited into mine instead of judging, cherish the opportunity.. Cherish every invite you receive into anyones life and heart.. I'm like a stained glassed window, it's taken a lot of colours and shapes to get to my bigger picture, to get where I am, but when the sun hits I will shine beautiful on you because that's me..

Peace..

Mama, Madly xox


**NB: Just before anyone passes any more  judgement on my ex partner of which I know most will, he does suffer from Aspergers Syndrome.. And he is ODD which is Oppositional Defiance Disorder, which means he is incapable of having reactions like normal people.. Both disorders are of the Autism family, and both make the sufferer not only reactive but also particular and unable to function within the normal thought patterns most of us are capable of.. They get overloaded senses and have what is called sensory overload which in fact can cause them physical pain.. Even just repetitive noises can do this.. My ex's and my son is also an Aspie/ODD sufferer and also has these meltdowns.. They may sound like acts of violence but facts are, and ask any psychologist, they are reactions that just manifest on a physical level.. My ex ,whilst appearing aggressive and a horrible man is in fact a good man who just suffers from a horrible neurological disorder.. And is in emotional agony consistently about his own behaviour but does not have the capabilities to control it, yet he is trying and changing daily.. Also in saying that it does not mean I have to put up with it, nor does it excuse it.. I could no longer live with it, which he actually agree's with me, doesn't make the choices easier but definitely doesn't make me want to stay and try either..

Strengths and weaknesses...

I had a friend say to me recently "you are the strongest most independent woman I have ever met, I only wish I had half your backbone, and I could do it on my own half as well as you"....

I came home, sat on the floor of my shower, and cried.. I sit in my shower a lot and cry, it's the only place I can do it alone.. Where no one can see me..

What I've come to realise that even in moments of weakness there are those of us out there that persevere, those of us who continuously put up a front, never show what's underneath because as far as I have always known being strong is what gets you through.. If I give in to what I feel sometimes in the pit of my heart or the depths of my soul I don't know that I could arise everyday with the strength to put one foot in front of the other..

Sadly for those of us who have been strong for so long, we find lowering our defences to the softer ones hard.. Soft people find our strength cold and jagged and precariously unappealing, if only they could see the burn inside.. We find opening up brings us to a state of vulnerability that makes us fear, if someone actually peered inside us, its a world that's so tightly bound it might unravel and what would we do then!? How would we survive!? Especially If we opened up and invited someone in, allowed them to see the reality of who we really are, and then they left.. How would we be able to shut it all back down after it's been held and loved and decoded and then abandoned..

I'm just like any other girl out there, my heart is big and full and beats true to the rhythm of my soul.. I want love and affection and feel a need to be enveloped by someone who wants to be the one to explore that with me.. It's just learning how.. How to open, and to trust, to be vulnerable and show need of another..  Just like every other girl I know, I want romance, I want devastatingly passionate love that sweeps me away into another place, with someone I can depend on to sometimes be strong enough for both of us, and other times allow me to be their strength when they are feeling weak and need protection from the outside world..

I don't know if it's my age or just a rite of passage, but I yearn for deep unabiding, unapologetic real love.. I want my partners arms to be the safe place that I can fall, when the world is too much and I need comfort and sweetness and light.. I know how to attract it, I just don't know how to trust & keep it yet, but it's a path I've finally stepped on, and I'm hoping the fates are kind.. I hope I stop saying "I am ok" and "I am fine" and "it's all good, I'm easy", because I'm not, not always.. I am real, I am a woman, I have a heart that's bursting with love to share and yet I consistently push people away with thoughtless words or unforgiving backbone, I have hurt others feelings, and have had mine hurt in return because sometimes it is what is left unsaid that breaks a heart more than what could ever be said.. I also know on more than one occasion that people have felt they cannot provide me with anything because supposedly I have my proverbial shit sorted, which I so don't.. 

I am so sick and tired of being told by everyone that "You will be fine" and "You'll kick it's arse".. You know what!? I want someone who will kick its arse for me!! I don't want to slay dragons anymore, I want someone who will slay dragons for me, because of me and on occasion with me.. I can do it, and I will and I would for the one I love but it would be nice to know If I cant and If I fail I have a strong hand on the small of my back to support me.. I do have space for softness, I just don't let many see that side of me, because recovering from being hurt can take longer than the moment or the second it took to create the hurt in the first place.. I have space at my table, there is room for people there to bring forth that which they can offer, hell I'm all about a good feast of life and love and laughs..

I don't know where this new epiphany or journey will take me, but realising today finally that sometimes my strength is my biggest weakness may finally allow me to step into all that I am and not feel, even when I am feeling weak, that it's not enough..

Maybe it's just realising that just me is enough..

Love love..

Mama,Madly xox