I came home, sat on the floor of my shower, and cried.. I sit in my shower a lot and cry, it's the only place I can do it alone.. Where no one can see me..
What I've come to realise that even in moments of weakness there are those of us out there that persevere, those of us who continuously put up a front, never show what's underneath because as far as I have always known being strong is what gets you through.. If I give in to what I feel sometimes in the pit of my heart or the depths of my soul I don't know that I could arise everyday with the strength to put one foot in front of the other..
Sadly for those of us who have been strong for so long, we find lowering our defences to the softer ones hard.. Soft people find our strength cold and jagged and precariously unappealing, if only they could see the burn inside.. We find opening up brings us to a state of vulnerability that makes us fear, if someone actually peered inside us, its a world that's so tightly bound it might unravel and what would we do then!? How would we survive!? Especially If we opened up and invited someone in, allowed them to see the reality of who we really are, and then they left.. How would we be able to shut it all back down after it's been held and loved and decoded and then abandoned..
I'm just like any other girl out there, my heart is big and full and beats true to the rhythm of my soul.. I want love and affection and feel a need to be enveloped by someone who wants to be the one to explore that with me.. It's just learning how.. How to open, and to trust, to be vulnerable and show need of another.. Just like every other girl I know, I want romance, I want devastatingly passionate love that sweeps me away into another place, with someone I can depend on to sometimes be strong enough for both of us, and other times allow me to be their strength when they are feeling weak and need protection from the outside world..
I don't know if it's my age or just a rite of passage, but I yearn for deep unabiding, unapologetic real love.. I want my partners arms to be the safe place that I can fall, when the world is too much and I need comfort and sweetness and light.. I know how to attract it, I just don't know how to trust & keep it yet, but it's a path I've finally stepped on, and I'm hoping the fates are kind.. I hope I stop saying "I am ok" and "I am fine" and "it's all good, I'm easy", because I'm not, not always.. I am real, I am a woman, I have a heart that's bursting with love to share and yet I consistently push people away with thoughtless words or unforgiving backbone, I have hurt others feelings, and have had mine hurt in return because sometimes it is what is left unsaid that breaks a heart more than what could ever be said.. I also know on more than one occasion that people have felt they cannot provide me with anything because supposedly I have my proverbial shit sorted, which I so don't..
I am so sick and tired of being told by everyone that "You will be fine" and "You'll kick it's arse".. You know what!? I want someone who will kick its arse for me!! I don't want to slay dragons anymore, I want someone who will slay dragons for me, because of me and on occasion with me.. I can do it, and I will and I would for the one I love but it would be nice to know If I cant and If I fail I have a strong hand on the small of my back to support me.. I do have space for softness, I just don't let many see that side of me, because recovering from being hurt can take longer than the moment or the second it took to create the hurt in the first place.. I have space at my table, there is room for people there to bring forth that which they can offer, hell I'm all about a good feast of life and love and laughs..
I don't know where this new epiphany or journey will take me, but realising today finally that sometimes my strength is my biggest weakness may finally allow me to step into all that I am and not feel, even when I am feeling weak, that it's not enough..
Maybe it's just realising that just me is enough..
Love love..
Mama,Madly xox
No comments:
Post a Comment