Wednesday 4 November 2015

The first cut is the deepest.....

Have you ever been driving in the car or vacuuming your floor or doing up your shoes and bam something hits you so hard you forget to breath!? An epiphany of sorts.. A realisation of such depth about your own character that you have to take time to mull it over in your head. Time because it's still in that hazy space where trying to articulate it makes it feels like even more of a jumbled mess..

That was me.. Last week. Althought disordered thoughts had been building for a while they didnt fall into place until this moment. I had a realisation that literally stopped me in my tracks and made me question every single choice I've made in the last 20yrs of my life..

When I was 17yrs old I fell madly in love. Sure I'd had boyfriends before, but I'd never felt that heady rush of passionate love, the kind that runs you over like a steamroller.. Knocking the air out of your lungs and the thought out of your mind. My god, I was madly, deeply, truly, innocently, totally in love.. He was imperfectly perfect in my eyes, and my world had gone from being young and free to everything in its entirety completely beginning and ending with him.. I walked, talked, drank, ate and breathed him.. He was my everything, until one day he was not..

He left me. Not in a bad way, he just moved away, he had to. He was on a life path, a journey, and he made a choice that he needed to make that was right for him at the time, but it crushed me. To the core. I remember travelling out to my Mum's in the country at the time, I was about 18.. She lived in a tiny little shack, so guest quarters were a lavishly set up tent with a bed fit for a queen, and that is where I planted myself for 3 days, in hiding or contemplation, that was where I made my nest and I was staying.. Wrapped up in a tight little ball, not eating, not speaking, sobbing uncontrollably in a way I had never experienced before, bewildered at the pain in my broken heart and wondering how would I ever survive..

I had never had my heart broken before, not like that, and it was definitely not to my liking.. I remember on the third morning, my mother, the warrior woman she is, entered the tent with a steaming cup of hot coffee that she thrust in my face as she yanked off the covers and said "It is time".. It was dawn. A frosty crisp morning, the earth steaming and as the sun made everything sparkle whilst it rose, she made me get on the back of one of our horses and ride.. She made me ride and ride and ride, and the tears fell, and the sun rose and for hours I rode. And somewhere in there I swore to myself that I would never hurt like that again. It is amazing the pacts we make with ourselves that shape us into who we become. Pacts that we forget about but we hold onto deep inside liked buried treasure, riches they are not. The tears subsided, the nest was packed away, I caught the train home and life continued.. Back to present day...

Next month I am turning 39. I have had two almost decade long relationships and three beautiful children born from them. The other day amid mundane daily 'stuff' after months of soul searching it hit me square between the eyes. I have not actually fallen "in love" with anyone since that first heartbreak. Oh sure I have loved, very deeply, very seriously, my partners, and boyfriends in between, but at 38yrs old I have realised I have not fallen madly deeply in love like I did a lifetime ago.. And the sadness hit me like a wave.

I have been single, but dating, for 2yrs at the end of this month, and the journey has been phenomenal.  I have met a lot of wannabe's, cant be's and maybe's. I have met potentials and friendzoner's and not even close's. I have thought there were times when I may have finally been able to entrust my heart in one or two with the reality of them crushing hopes and dreams in flashes and floods. I have learnt more about myself and others in the last two years than I ever thought possible and what I have finally come away knowing is this......

I have realised I am nearly 40, and although I always thought 40 was so aged, I can now see how incredibly young 40 really is and how much I have left to learn. And that's ok.

I have realised I am ready, finally, to "fall in love". Why? Because at nearly 40, I finally love myself enough to create a safe space for true unadulterated real love to come into my life.


I have realised real love is not about holding yourself back and keeping yourself safe, it is about being open and strong and knowing no matter the terrain you will survive.

I have realised real love has troughs and flows and ebbs and tides. Sometimes you even find real love is not happy. It is not always sunshine and smiles but it is always real, so you maintain it. Through the good and the bad times.


I have learnt real love cannot be real if you are not completely and utterly open to it.

I have learnt sometimes real love is walking away. Because you love yourself enough to not compromise and not just 'stay'..

And I have learnt patience, because I know in my wisdom that comes with age, real love takes time, and cannot be rushed. When we wait for the right love to come along, it will be right, and it will not shy away but meet you in the middle. It will be strong, and all knowing, and it will be balanced and equal. It will be all encompassing and supportive, and it will above all be honest. Not coerced or forced from need or want or lack or fear. It will just be. So I am happy to wait.


I do not need to fill empty spaces in my life and bed with even emptier people, false hopes and disappointments. I do not want to be someone's maybe or halftime, when I step in I want my 'love' to step in to meet me. I am not prepared to share my energy with someone who is just a stand-in until the real deal comes along. I am not prepared to repeat my mistakes or live a life of mediocrity. I can live simply and humbly and plainly, without much in the way of 'things' but real love in itself is never mediocre. So I am happy to wait.

The first cut is the deepest but if we all based our experiences on firsts then not a lot of progression would be made. Sometimes it really is better to feel the fear and do it anyway..

I never understood that saying "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" but I finally get it.. All the pain and suffering I went through after a multitude of broken hearts when I had never fully given myself over to love, did not break me. If there is going to be love lost I may as well make it worth it, make it from a total space of pure honest heartfelt real love.

Who knows, the next person I fall "in love" with may fall "in love" with me in exactly the same way and this heartbreak we speak of may never happen.. It also might, but it might not.. At nearly 40yrs old its a gamble I'm  finally prepared to take. Fear limits us so much.. Too much.. We have but one life to live, why would we not take the gamble just in case..

Mama, Madly xo

Saturday 31 October 2015

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

I have been absent.. Gone.. No writing, No anything.. For a long time,
and here's why

I have been disconnected.

Not in a powerful, I'm on a journey and eternal fulfilment and peace love and mung beans kind of way, but definitely a journey, one of discovery.

What I have discovered is by being externally connected especially in this day and age of technological break through and advancement my external connections disconnect me internally.

I got lost. On the super highway of the net.

We are all so conditioned as human beings to connect so when we do this via social media be it a platform like Facebook or be it picture sharing sites such as Instagram, the amazing selves we sell on dating sites or even over sharing like Blogging such as I am doing now, we believe we remain connected, but facts are we are not. We misread, miscommunicate, misinterpret and try to squish ourselves into others ideal's of us. Social media has become our new self sacrifice and relationship suicide.

Someone said to me today, "A friend of mine thinks you are out of his league, he looked at pics on your profile" and I laughed.. And laughed.. And laughed.. And then inside I cringed.. My response? Number one, your friend needs more self worth and number two a picture does not tell a thousand words, not these days, not anymore.

We are all so busy conveying this amazing life of happiness we lead and how every moment we share with others is blissful and fulfilling and heart loving, that we are not owning the reality of life. The highs and lows, the real and raw emotion of being alive. We have forgotten one of the biggest healers we have when we are real and in moments of sadness or pain is sharing that pain with others.. Living authentically gives us power to survive the waves of emotion, of being human, in not only a supported way, but it allows life to fulfill us in ways we never knew possible when we covered up all that was not gold.

We are so busy coming from what people look like on the outside and the quality of life they supposedly lead on the surface that we have forgotten quality is about what is on the inside, that the calibre of a person is measured in their compassion and empathy and integrity and acceptance and love.

We have stopped recognising our worth comes from who we ARE not how we look, or where we live or how we live or what car we drive, but in fact what drives us, in our hearts at the core of our beings. We allow peoples opinions to define us and box us and separate us and stop us doing what our hearts desire. We limit ourselves consistently based on other people's opinions and expectations of who they think we are, not who we truly are.

People who do not have the literacy give up on the idea of schooling because they do not want to appear stupid to others instead of recognising their bravery of envisioning a new life they are building for themselves.
People who come from nothing stop living and work ridiculously hard to build a financial life and future that looks good on the glossy pages of a magazine or social media page, but what fills their heart if they no longer have the time to live and love and laugh. Not the 'stuff' they acquire.
People who marry someone who ticks all the right boxes as far as what society says are definitive needs in a partner yet that person doesn't stimulate their mind or body on a deep soul level and there will never be a fire in the belly or the soul, it is mediocre love in this one life we have to live, it becomes a life less lived..
A mother who will not take her small children to the beach on a warm summer's day because she is overweight and worries what others think of her, a mother who misses out on creating precious memories with children who see her as the sun and the moon in their universe, disallows herself to truly live that with them because of other peoples opinions.......

The list is endless, the equations innumerable, but my absence has taught me well. We should not define ourselves on the opinion of others, we should not disconnect to connect on this horrible surface level of social media expectations we cannot and should never try to meet. One of the most amazing things about being a human being is our vast capacity to feel, all emotions, be they high or low, at least we feel. At least we love, at least we have each other. At least we connect.
We should quit the job, build the hut, marry the girl, wear the clothes, buy the shoes, have the baby, leave the life, wander where we want to go and do what we need to do to fulfil only one need. OURS.

I will no longer base my judgement of who I am, where I am going, what I am doing and where I have come from on other people's surface value opinion of who I am.. I hope this at least makes you think about it.. I hope this will make you go and look in the mirror and love what you see, I also hope that the things you see and don't like you also accept, because they are also things that make you, uniquely you.

I don't need to keep up with the Joneses, because with a name like mine it wouldn't suit anyway......

Peace out..
Mama, Madly xox
















Tuesday 26 May 2015

The tortoise and the hare-brained..

Sometimes I am truly, seriously, a really bad friend.. Let's just get that out of the way.

I have 4 parcels in my sewing room.. Four parcels created with love.. Four parcels I have ready to send to some dear friends.. Lovely friends.. Kind, understanding, sweet natured friends.. Four parcels that have been waiting to be sent for the better part of a year and yet they still sit there.. Am I remiss? You bet your arse I am..

I'm not an unkind person, I am not malicious and I would never intentionally hurt anybody's feelings. In fact in the friendship department I will go above and beyond, if and when I can. I would do anything for you if you are my friend. On one small proviso. You will need to remind me.

You do not need to remind me that we are friends, once I am friends with you it means you have woven a small space in my heart, kept soft and safe and warm just for you. I could go the working, studying single mother one child being Sp.nds route, one Mum two hands three kids and a life totally bereft of time route, but I wont....  I am a work in progress, I will always try my hardest to improve for anyone, myself included.. You do not need to remind me we are friends, you will however on some occasions, be they big or little, need to remind me to be present.

I have apologised and grovelled and shamefully written honourably honest messages or letters or made phone calls owning my shocking behaviour.. I am fortunate enough these days to have a rather large number of old friends, who know me, and know without a doubt that I love them and it is what is in my heart that matters. Not whether I ring weekly or see them fortnightly or do the birthday card thing (which I never do) or like their crap on facebook or remember their children's names and ages because frankly I sometimes find it hard to remember my own..

A long time ago I realised that I am forgetful. My brain is a heaving mess of thought and unspoken word, I see everything and file and date and picturise events as they happen, no matter how insignificant they may seem.. I am the girl who wears clothes inside out, who stops mid sentence because I've forgotten my train of thought, who can miss even the most important of appointments unless it written in three different places and alarmed in my phone to go off at ten minute intervals within the few hours beforehand. I am so in the moment sometimes that 10minutes ago feels like yesterday, and 5pm is happening in 2hrs isn't it, until I realise it's actually hit 7pm and dinner should have been and gone.. In saying all of this, I am a bit of a walking contradiction, when I have it, I have it down pat. I am Superwoman, She-God, creator and finisher of daily tasks, an archetypical cape flowing behind me as my accomplishments shine like the sun itself..

I find it laughable in a "Fuck I am so ridiculously hopeless I want to laugh and cry all at once" panic/bile rising in my throat kind of way, to admit that even on occasion I have forgotten to pick my children up on time from school. I have found myself racing in the car 2minutes before the bell is to ring at their school a 5minute drive away.. I find myself reading messages and forgetting to respond, or believing I have even if I only did it in my head and did not actually follow through with the act itself. I open mail or emails and am unable to repeat the contents a short period later.. I consistently find myself nearly without petrol or having forgotten my wallet, lunch, phone or keys.. I can do one thing at a time, I get easily distracted and sometimes I need to limit what I am doing or I lose myself in people and things.. And then, I can juggle a dozen things the next day..

If I could caricature myself it would fuzzy hair, all amiss, skewiff glasses, wrong buttons done up on a blouse and a completely dumfounded look up my face, with a slight undertone of "Oh shit!".. I think it truly is possible that my attention span is that of a goldfish, but it does not mean I do not love or appreciate my friends.. The thought of hurting people's feelings does me in and it makes me feel consistently terrible almost daily, but it does not make my brain get it's proverbial collective shit together.. I can be concentrating and bam out of the corner of my eye something catches my attention and that is it, It is done. My brain has escaped and it was last seen heading south at a rapid pace, slowly gathering speed..

I think the word for people like me is harebrained (although I call it fairly normal).. And I just wanted to say to all my harebrained sister's (and brother's) out there, you are not alone.. I may not remember you or remember to acknowledge you or remember to try to remember you, but we are cut from the same cloth, and I get it.. I don't remember how to get back to the start and begin again, and although this race sometimes feels like the tortoise and the hare, and I look like I am going round in circles, I will eventually get there. You would find it hard to believe I truly am a tortoise at heart and maybe I might possibly kinda see you in the future at some stage, but as fare as harebrained goes, I totally get it..

You and I? We ARE bad friends, but that's ok.. As long as it's work in progress hopeless never has the last word, and the one's who really see your heart? They know it will never forget them even if it thinks it has.. xx

Mama, Madly xo




Sunday 1 March 2015

Space Time Continu-MUM

Space time continuum argues that objects in motion actually experience time at a slower rate than one at rest.. Well Einstein I take your theory of relativity and I see you Mum..

If Einstein were right (which in fact he is as has been proven countless times) but, if he was correct in terms of us mere mortals and human times then us working and studying Mama's and Father's would have more time to get everything we need done, in actual fact done.

It seems the busier I get the less time I have.. Why is that Al? Why do us under the pump parents get less time in comparison to our counterparts or is that a silly question!? Scientifically I should get it but intellectually on a very real level my somewhat on occasion childish head screams FFS Albert you're a dick.. And dick's like you and your uber intellectual theories make us "busy" parents feel somewhat lacking, and when I say lacking I am not talking about time...

Somewhere in between the Earth and a galaxy far far away, I have forgotten how to time manage.. Now don't get me wrong I am all up in that sciencey stuff, I've dabbled in biology and chemistry albeit of a different kind, the kind that brought me to parenthood to begin with but surely there is a new science somewhere that can create time, or extra minutes for those of us to spend doing what we need to do let alone all the other good things we miss out on.. The lacking.. Like little smiles and daisy chains necklaces and small arms around the neck hugs and breaking out into song and dance car concerts, all the little things that do not make a universe but do in fact create your own.. Damned if we do and damned if we don't, and time is just the smallest piece of that pie...

I think if universal law were just it would create a space where we could just be, a moment in time where we could just hang out, in between meetings and appointments and clients and phone calls and faxes, just a moment where nothing is needed from us and we can just be.. Oh my.. Sigh.. How lovely is the thought!? but the likelihood?? nil, nada, not...

I have found a complete correlation in fact between space and parenting... Take Black Holes for existence, they exist here on earth.. Mine happens to be the place I lose my bag, keys, phone, kids shoes, lunchboxes, return notices and my mind... The other thing I have realised is whether I work or I am SAHM, I have a black hole, a severe lack of time and issues that seem to cross entire galaxies, even on occasion my own little asteroid shower in the shape of a tanty or five...

You and I both know for a fact that Albert Einstein was and still is considered to be one of the greatest living geniuses, what you and I also know is that even Al the genius did not have the answer to parenting.. It is not a science, it's an art form.. It flows and ebbs and grows and expands and rests, but it is never exact and rational thinking can never create the perfect scenario when it comes down to it, but it always goes on as an inconstant constant..

Men may be from Mars, and women are from Venus but the science of parenting is from Uranus.. and we will balls it up all the time.. Stop trying to find the time just snatch your moments,.. And if the universe implodes because you cant keep up?? Trust me there is another one out there as yet unexplored.. Crank up the music and teach your kids how to moon walk ;)

To infinity and beyond...

Mama, Madly xo