Tuesday 8 July 2014

Do you actually speak...

When you are talking to others do you actually speak? Do your words come from your heart? And when you talk are you saying anything that is actually valuable? To you, as in your truth, the words that you really want to say that are not modified or held back for fear of offending or being rejected by another person!??

I've been trying so hard recently to walk my talk, and vice versa... And one of the hardest parts of this journey I've realised are words.. Said words, thought words, undefined words, unspoken words, unheard words, the list goes on.. I think in my world my biggest problem and my biggest gift are words...

Single life has been really challenging for me, being sociable, active and communicative all come easily but I'm being drawn more and more to the realisation that everyone else has a set rule of thumb regarding what is and is not said.. What is acceptable and what is a faux pas beyond measure.. What people want to hear being at war with what you really WANT to say...There are so many supposed 'rules', and not only do I not understand them it's not a game I choose to play.. Not anymore anyway..

I've met a number of guys over so many months, one whom I thought I could be myself but only he was allowed to speak and as soon as I did I became unacceptable and quickly 'deleted' from his life.. Another who I thought my friend yet he didn't hear me at all and what he did hear he used to romance me for two seconds flat, but still I wasn't worthy enough to keep around and actually 'talk' with.. Another I couldn't actually converse with, because if I had an opinion it was taken personally and so I felt like I couldn't speak.. Another I knew I could tell anything too and vice versa and I think we could have happily cruised along together but life and his relationship circumstances made me (and my sometimes crappy self integrity that always steers me right but doesn't get me what I want) back away immediately before even going there... I met another who I offered up truths too and disinterest became quickly apparent, and whilst I know it was because of my words it made me sad they were misconstrued and misunderstood... I felt like I had grown a dragons head overnight...

I've realised I can no longer be mindfully in a relationship, be it romantic or otherwise, with someone whom I cannot completely be myself and talk my talk too.. I need to be able to speak.. I need a partner in crime who allows that, just as I would allow them.. I also need a partner I don't feel the need to speak to and he gets that, and we can just be.. Sometimes I can do (and need to get away with) stupid talk, I can act like an immature kid and laugh and carry on, or I can rant and rave about the most idiotic things and yet I know that the other one is listening, even if it's with a sparkle of amusement in their eyes and they think I'm a complete dick.. Above all in the moments that I really need too, I need to know that when I 'speak' I can really speak, that my words when spoken are absorbed, I don't need them to be agreed with, not adhered to, but I most definitely need them to be heard..  

I've decided from now on, I am going to speak.. I will say what I want, when I want, to whom I want and if that scares people away then I really don't want or need them in my life to begin with.. As the saying goes, "It has taken me over 20+ years to really learn to like myself, I don't have that kind of time trying to convince you to like me as well".. You either like someone or you don't.. I am no longer going to put on airs and graces in order to attract a friend nor a mate, the right friend or partner will be the one who looks at me without the airs and graces and still thinks the sun never shone as brightly when I wasn't in their life....

The biggest present you can give anyone is to be present.. And the biggest present you can give yourself?? It's surrounding yourself with people who when you speak, you can actually speak and they in return listen... 

Ciao xx

Mama, madly xox

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