Saturday, 8 April 2017
Tuesday, 30 August 2016
I have spent the last few months in a whirlwind of superfluous thought, ever changing, an evolution of who I am becoming.. One minute I am grounded and steady the next I am throwing my thought processes out the window and starting afresh..
It's been an interesting time in this lead up to my 40th birthday and whilst it has had moments and degrees of difficulty I'd have preferred to not have experienced, on the whole it has been transformative and powerful. It has also been at the core so simple..
I have ridden a rollercoaster of self doubt for years, be it on a personal level and unreal self expectation or from feelings of doubt and inadequacy as I got older. Wondering if everyone around me got 'it', that 'it' that everyone else seems to get that opens the door to self fulfillment, and I unfortunately missed the memo. Or, I have wondered, are we truly all on a quest to work 'it' out, even though 'it' is indefinable to even the most intelligent beings I know..
I walked into my bathroom and caught myself sideways, I had messy hair and baby belly (from well over 10yrs ago) and heading towards 40 arse and I immediately started the age old internal war talk with myself.. "Get it together Lady, go to gym, atleast walk the dog, how can you gym with the kids and work and school and life thing, sort that out asap, look at your hair, omg my mirror is dirty, hmm I haven't cleaned my bathroom for atleast a week (ahem*two*), shit you forgot to pay for the kids excursion, I can't believe you chose curry for dinner the kids will bitch and moan for hours, did you hang out that washing from two days ago, you really should enrol in that course you need to expand your career horizons........."....
This diatribe continued until I caught my own eyes. My god I looked tired. And with that, weariness overtook me and I sat down...
When did this happen? This consistent barrage and self flagelating emotional verbal harm I impose on myself pretty much every hour of every day of my waking life!? When did I get so mean. To me?
I sat there is my 'dirty' clean bathroom for ages pondering myself and my life and I realised, all this amazing internal work I have been doing on myself for months, to be a better me has brought me to a really great point but could have been reached easier and faster If I had done just one thing right at the start of my journey. If I had just given myself a break and realised 'it' was an unobtainable myth and that just doing my best and being myself was always what 'it' has always been about.
We can be so unkind to ourselves, raising expectations and standards to some level that we somewhere along the way created for ourselves believing these 'life' points that we need to reach are akin to adult brownie points that we are given by someone who doesnt exist who has created rules that aren't real about things that dont matter..
I may not own my own house or have perky boobs or have my proverbial shit sorted when it comes to dishes, financial planning, having any type of patience with idiots, knowing what I want to be when I grow up, how to parent kindly somedays, mastering the art of not speaking before thinking, getting drunk on weeknights, being on time, wearing jeans until they are so dirty they throw themselves in the washer and crying because its bather season again and I forgot to go to gym all year, but I do have a grateful heart, pretty good kids, I live very well, I always try to come from kindness, a body that is healthy and pretty much alive, awesome dance moves and a smile that can make others smile too..
I'm fairly sure that when I say, I like my life and where I'm at and where I'm going and those that are accompanying my journey that is what 'it' is all about..
It may have been in a bathroom, and the mirror may have reflected my ugly crying face but the day I stopped mean talking and bullying myself to be 'better' and realised just how good 'it' all is in my world is the day life embraced me and said gleefully "Finally, I have been waiting so long for you to see me, I have so much more to show you and now you are awake you can finally join in out here instead of living your life in knots in there"...
It's such an illusion and finally the light is on and this Lady is embracing her moments, be they good or bad, atleast I'm awake to them.. I suggest you do the same, I'm thinking your 'it' is fairly awesome too..
Mama, Madly xo
Monday, 16 May 2016
I need a man.
I need a man who is in line with me being a woman.
I need a man who will step into the fire with me.
Who meets me halfway.
I need consistency.
I need commitment.
I need honesty.
I need trustworthiness.
I need integrity.
I don't just need them I want them.
Who understands when I put my heart in their hands it is something to be cherished and valued.
I need someone who is invested in me,
As I am invested in them
And treats that as a sacred space.
Not a man who has their interests invested in so many different areas that they are spread thin and scattered. He recognises that in keeping lines of communication open to other old loves and new possibilities means he doesn't have to commit fully to the present and to me, that this is not acceptable and a betrayal of trust that can be hard to ever mend, he sees the disrespect and hurt that it causes. So he doesn't.
I need a man who is man enough to step into his role as a King does to his Queen and does not question it. And never backs down. We have each others back. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Our loyalty never questioned.
And any woman trying to manoeuvre into our sacred space is kicked to the kerb without hesitation because he recognises the game and will not play it with my heart on the line.
As I would respect him.
Someone I can laugh with, talk to, be silent with, yell at, make up with, never feel like I am unheard or underestimated or ignored or unloved. Who only ever lays his hands on me in a loving or playful touch.
Someone who realises our life is the foundation to build everything else upon.
Who chooses me and it feels like freedom and not a burden.
Who knows I will hold him above all other men even when times get tough or money is tight or work is bad or kids are sick or nights get long I will love him harder and I will never walk, never leave, never abandon him as he would never do to me. I will be 80% when he can only be 20% and vice versa. I will support him without question. Even when I don't want to, as he will do for me in return.
I need a man with endurance because if you are going to atleast try you need to be all in to really give it a red hot go.
Someone I get only on their terms. Only when they want or desire. Who pushes me away when I get too close and sucks me in when I start to wander too far and maybe he might lose me.
We should have that together. Even if that Universe is just us, happy, living and building a world for ourselves, being the best of ourselves that we can be and totally supporting each other in that.
You are not and will never be the man.
I am too old to be fucking around anymore, I am too aware to allow my precious time left to be wasted, I would rather be alone than half invested. I do not want to live with regret.
I am a sorted woman, I don't actually need a man but I would like one to share my life with.
Do I expect a lot? Sure.. but it is nothing I will not give back in return.
The one's I've loved
I am not sorry for that.
But you are not the man.
Because you could of been the man,
I would never have allowed you in if I did not see that inside you.
So It's not that you are not the man,
It's that you chose not to be the man.
So you are not the man.
The man will meet me on the bridge, In the fire, In the middle and when one jumps the other jumps too. Sometimes a real Soulmate comes into your life to slap you awake so you can start living your best life for you. Maybe you were not the man nor I the woman but we did slap each other awake.
Your girl won't want the Universe for you, she'll make you into her universe, she won't want your growth or for you to reach your potential as a man. To open up to all that you are, that the world has pushed down inside you with heartbreak and unrelenting fear and pain.
You'll be safe with her. Because you are not really invested and she will never insist on it in case she loses you in the outfalls like I have done each and every time I stand up for myself and my rights and my needs, but also trying to empower a man to step up who is too scared to fly.
Eventually it will kill you, kill your spirit, because there is no life in mediocrity and all your could have been's will rise up like bile, burning every word you speak and haunting your long lonely nights but you'll be safe and in total control. It breaks my heart for you. But....
I'm removing myself from any love equation if you are not or cannot or are unwilling to try.
Because I deserve everything, and,
Sunday, 24 January 2016
I am enraged
I have rage
I will rage
The rage wells and ebbs and flows inside me
and today it is seeping out.
I always feel like I am on the other side, no longer affected by a decade+ long journey of being in a domestically emotionally abusive and violent relationship. That is until it rears it's ugly head and the rage comes and burns in my veins, fills my soul with these pits of fiery anger.. After being expressed it silently and surely ebbs away, with me assuming this is the last time it will show its very ugly head (until the next time).
I had a situation come up with my ex regarding our children and him allowing them to spend time with an inappropriate person amongst a few other issues in regards to actually looking after them and their health and wellbeing over this last weekend. All of a sudden this pit in my belly started to rise and turn and spark and fire up and bam, I was right back where I was 3yrs ago, looking at this man that I had once loved and had children with but on the other hand loathed with all my being, and it enraged my soul to see the behaviour had not changed and now my children were being subjected to it.
He called me ridiculous (as always), said I was jealous (as the other party was a woman) and made me actually step back and question my behaviour (always making me doubt myself), I wont even go into him physically threatening me. So I sat. In my rage, I moved through my day, I met my sister for a coffee, I shopped for my children's new school shoes, I made their lunches and I just sat with this feeling in my heart and allowed it to evolve so I could understand what was really going on.
What I came to realise is I was in Rage. At him rightly so, the situation being not acceptable, be it a man, woman or animal, my children need him to step up as a Father when he is in that role and my jealousy was actually non existent. I realised he always made me question myself. He always made me feel badly about my reactions. He always incited rage in my soul with his own behaviours but never allowed me to speak my truth.
And then I realised He did all this because I allowed it and the Rage I was feeling was really at myself.
When I met this man I was young, free, and had an entire life ahead of me
He took me and moulded me.
He beat me, he belittled me and he turned me into a shadow of myself.
And I allowed it.
He hurt me, he shamed me and he made me feel unloved and unlovable.
And I allowed it.
He took the sweetest, happiest, kindest parts of me and would cut me down until
I either stopped or would only subserviently behave the way he felt appropriate,
and on occasion I became black and bitter and acted as such, just like him,
And I allowed it.
I am in Rage
I am raging that this man is still allowed space in my life
I am enraged that I bore beautiful children to his man and his revolting soul gets to help shape who they become, and when I see parts of his bad behaviour shine through in them every part of my body screams.
I am in rage because all the soft, feminine, loving parts of me hide away in the deepest corners of my heart and although desperately need love are so scared of it I shy away from it.
I rage because when a man moves towards me I involuntarily step back, or move or tense awaiting a hurt that will not come.
I am enraged because I was told for 10yrs that I had an ugly heart, soul, mind and body and I believed all of it. I stopped loving myself and never thought I would be loveable to anyone else.
I rage because some days I feel hard and impenetrable and alone, like a defenseless Mama bear with her two cubs facing off against a band of hunters holding guns.
And it hurts, it hurts that sometimes I feel my good, sweet, loving heart has been wasted
and maybe I will never get a chance to know the love of a good man who will not squash me into small spaces to make him feel better about his own inadequacies.
And then, right at the very centre of this rage is unadulterated sadness, because I allowed this life to happen, to myself. Not anymore.
I embrace the rage, the raging river of emotion of who and how I have become who I am and I recognise it as growth. It is ok for me to speak my truth and walk my talk and be radiantly who I am without questioning it because of him. I am a Mama Bear protecting her cubs and that is ok. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy (his bad behaviour being an offshoot of aspergergers), and a very likeable nice guy. He is a good Dad more often than not and I appreciate his presence in the children's lives. But this time he was not and it was absolutely my right to not only question it but to demand better.
Anyone who has been in a physically or emotionally abusive or toxic relationship will know what I am talking about, please know from me to you, eventually the Rage will fade and the fire will die and a bit like how sand is made into glass from heat something beautiful will be born..
This rage is righteous and raw and real and it is me. It is positivity and growth and healing in motion.. I don't need to rage against anything just face the storm and know that it will wash everything clean
Wednesday, 4 November 2015
That was me.. Last week. Althought disordered thoughts had been building for a while they didnt fall into place until this moment. I had a realisation that literally stopped me in my tracks and made me question every single choice I've made in the last 20yrs of my life..
When I was 17yrs old I fell madly in love. Sure I'd had boyfriends before, but I'd never felt that heady rush of passionate love, the kind that runs you over like a steamroller.. Knocking the air out of your lungs and the thought out of your mind. My god, I was madly, deeply, truly, innocently, totally in love.. He was imperfectly perfect in my eyes, and my world had gone from being young and free to everything in its entirety completely beginning and ending with him.. I walked, talked, drank, ate and breathed him.. He was my everything, until one day he was not..
He left me. Not in a bad way, he just moved away, he had to. He was on a life path, a journey, and he made a choice that he needed to make that was right for him at the time, but it crushed me. To the core. I remember travelling out to my Mum's in the country at the time, I was about 18.. She lived in a tiny little shack, so guest quarters were a lavishly set up tent with a bed fit for a queen, and that is where I planted myself for 3 days, in hiding or contemplation, that was where I made my nest and I was staying.. Wrapped up in a tight little ball, not eating, not speaking, sobbing uncontrollably in a way I had never experienced before, bewildered at the pain in my broken heart and wondering how would I ever survive..
I had never had my heart broken before, not like that, and it was definitely not to my liking.. I remember on the third morning, my mother, the warrior woman she is, entered the tent with a steaming cup of hot coffee that she thrust in my face as she yanked off the covers and said "It is time".. It was dawn. A frosty crisp morning, the earth steaming and as the sun made everything sparkle whilst it rose, she made me get on the back of one of our horses and ride.. She made me ride and ride and ride, and the tears fell, and the sun rose and for hours I rode. And somewhere in there I swore to myself that I would never hurt like that again. It is amazing the pacts we make with ourselves that shape us into who we become. Pacts that we forget about but we hold onto deep inside liked buried treasure, riches they are not. The tears subsided, the nest was packed away, I caught the train home and life continued.. Back to present day...
Next month I am turning 39. I have had two almost decade long relationships and three beautiful children born from them. The other day amid mundane daily 'stuff' after months of soul searching it hit me square between the eyes. I have not actually fallen "in love" with anyone since that first heartbreak. Oh sure I have loved, very deeply, very seriously, my partners, and boyfriends in between, but at 38yrs old I have realised I have not fallen madly deeply in love like I did a lifetime ago.. And the sadness hit me like a wave.
I have been single, but dating, for 2yrs at the end of this month, and the journey has been phenomenal. I have met a lot of wannabe's, cant be's and maybe's. I have met potentials and friendzoner's and not even close's. I have thought there were times when I may have finally been able to entrust my heart in one or two with the reality of them crushing hopes and dreams in flashes and floods. I have learnt more about myself and others in the last two years than I ever thought possible and what I have finally come away knowing is this......
I have realised I am nearly 40, and although I always thought 40 was so aged, I can now see how incredibly young 40 really is and how much I have left to learn. And that's ok.
I have realised I am ready, finally, to "fall in love". Why? Because at nearly 40, I finally love myself enough to create a safe space for true unadulterated real love to come into my life.
I have realised real love is not about holding yourself back and keeping yourself safe, it is about being open and strong and knowing no matter the terrain you will survive.
I have realised real love has troughs and flows and ebbs and tides. Sometimes you even find real love is not happy. It is not always sunshine and smiles but it is always real, so you maintain it. Through the good and the bad times.
I have learnt real love cannot be real if you are not completely and utterly open to it.
I have learnt sometimes real love is walking away. Because you love yourself enough to not compromise and not just 'stay'..
And I have learnt patience, because I know in my wisdom that comes with age, real love takes time, and cannot be rushed. When we wait for the right love to come along, it will be right, and it will not shy away but meet you in the middle. It will be strong, and all knowing, and it will be balanced and equal. It will be all encompassing and supportive, and it will above all be honest. Not coerced or forced from need or want or lack or fear. It will just be. So I am happy to wait.
I do not need to fill empty spaces in my life and bed with even emptier people, false hopes and disappointments. I do not want to be someone's maybe or halftime, when I step in I want my 'love' to step in to meet me. I am not prepared to share my energy with someone who is just a stand-in until the real deal comes along. I am not prepared to repeat my mistakes or live a life of mediocrity. I can live simply and humbly and plainly, without much in the way of 'things' but real love in itself is never mediocre. So I am happy to wait.
The first cut is the deepest but if we all based our experiences on firsts then not a lot of progression would be made. Sometimes it really is better to feel the fear and do it anyway..
I never understood that saying "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" but I finally get it.. All the pain and suffering I went through after a multitude of broken hearts when I had never fully given myself over to love, did not break me. If there is going to be love lost I may as well make it worth it, make it from a total space of pure honest heartfelt real love.
Who knows, the next person I fall "in love" with may fall "in love" with me in exactly the same way and this heartbreak we speak of may never happen.. It also might, but it might not.. At nearly 40yrs old its a gamble I'm finally prepared to take. Fear limits is so much.. Too much.. We have but one life to live, why would we not take the gamble just in case..
Mama, Madly xo
Saturday, 31 October 2015
and here's why
I have been disconnected.
Not in a powerful, I'm on a journey and eternal fulfilment and peace love and mung beans kind of way, but definitely a journey, one of discovery.
What I have discovered is by being externally connected especially in this day and age of technological break through and advancement my external connections disconnect me internally.
I got lost. On the super highway of the net.
We are all so conditioned as human beings to connect so when we do this via social media be it a platform like Facebook or be it picture sharing sites such as Instagram, the amazing selves we sell on dating sites or even over sharing like Blogging such as I am doing now, we believe we remain connected, but facts are we are not. We misread, miscommunicate, misinterpret and try to squish ourselves into others ideal's of us. Social media has become our new self sacrifice and relationship suicide.
Someone said to me today, "A friend of mine thinks you are out of his league, he looked at pics on your profile" and I laughed.. And laughed.. And laughed.. And then inside I cringed.. My response? Number one, your friend needs more self worth and number two a picture does not tell a thousand words, not these days, not anymore.
We are all so busy conveying this amazing life of happiness we lead and how every moment we share with others is blissful and fulfilling and heart loving, that we are not owning the reality of life. The highs and lows, the real and raw emotion of being alive. We have forgotten one of the biggest healers we have when we are real and in moments of sadness or pain is sharing that pain with others.. Living authentically gives us power to survive the waves of emotion, of being human, in not only a supported way, but it allows life to fulfill us in ways we never knew possible when we covered up all that was not gold.
We are so busy coming from what people look like on the outside and the quality of life they supposedly lead on the surface that we have forgotten quality is about what is on the inside, that the calibre of a person is measured in their compassion and empathy and integrity and acceptance and love.
We have stopped recognising our worth comes from who we ARE not how we look, or where we live or how we live or what car we drive, but in fact what drives us, in our hearts at the core of our beings. We allow peoples opinions to define us and box us and separate us and stop us doing what our hearts desire. We limit ourselves consistently based on other people's opinions and expectations of who they think we are, not who we truly are.
People who do not have the literacy give up on the idea of schooling because they do not want to appear stupid to others instead of recognising their bravery of envisioning a new life they are building for themselves.
People who come from nothing stop living and work ridiculously hard to build a financial life and future that looks good on the glossy pages of a magazine or social media page, but what fills their heart if they no longer have the time to live and love and laugh. Not the 'stuff' they acquire.
People who marry someone who ticks all the right boxes as far as what society says are definitive needs in a partner yet that person doesn't stimulate their mind or body on a deep soul level and there will never be a fire in the belly or the soul, it is mediocre love in this one life we have to live, it becomes a life less lived..
A mother who will not take her small children to the beach on a warm summer's day because she is overweight and worries what others think of her, a mother who misses out on creating precious memories with children who see her as the sun and the moon in their universe, disallows herself to truly live that with them because of other peoples opinions.......
The list is endless, the equations innumerable, but my absence has taught me well. We should not define ourselves on the opinion of others, we should not disconnect to connect on this horrible surface level of social media expectations we cannot and should never try to meet. One of the most amazing things about being a human being is our vast capacity to feel, all emotions, be they high or low, at least we feel. At least we love, at least we have each other. At least we connect.
We should quit the job, build the hut, marry the girl, wear the clothes, buy the shoes, have the baby, leave the life, wander where we want to go and do what we need to do to fulfil only one need. OURS.
I will no longer base my judgement of who I am, where I am going, what I am doing and where I have come from on other people's surface value opinion of who I am.. I hope this at least makes you think about it.. I hope this will make you go and look in the mirror and love what you see, I also hope that the things you see and don't like you also accept, because they are also things that make you, uniquely you.
I don't need to keep up with the Joneses, because with a name like mine it wouldn't suit anyway......
Mama, Madly xox
Tuesday, 26 May 2015
I have 4 parcels in my sewing room.. Four parcels created with love.. Four parcels I have ready to send to some dear friends.. Lovely friends.. Kind, understanding, sweet natured friends.. Four parcels that have been waiting to be sent for the better part of a year and yet they still sit there.. Am I remiss? You bet your arse I am..
I'm not an unkind person, I am not malicious and I would never intentionally hurt anybody's feelings. In fact in the friendship department I will go above and beyond, if and when I can. I would do anything for you if you are my friend. On one small proviso. You will need to remind me.
You do not need to remind me that we are friends, once I am friends with you it means you have woven a small space in my heart, kept soft and safe and warm just for you. I could go the working, studying single mother one child being Sp.nds route, one Mum two hands three kids and a life totally bereft of time route, but I wont.... I am a work in progress, I will always try my hardest to improve for anyone, myself included.. You do not need to remind me we are friends, you will however on some occasions, be they big or little, need to remind me to be present.
I have apologised and grovelled and shamefully written honourably honest messages or letters or made phone calls owning my shocking behaviour.. I am fortunate enough these days to have a rather large number of old friends, who know me, and know without a doubt that I love them and it is what is in my heart that matters. Not whether I ring weekly or see them fortnightly or do the birthday card thing (which I never do) or like their crap on facebook or remember their children's names and ages because frankly I sometimes find it hard to remember my own..
A long time ago I realised that I am forgetful. My brain is a heaving mess of thought and unspoken word, I see everything and file and date and picturise events as they happen, no matter how insignificant they may seem.. I am the girl who wears clothes inside out, who stops mid sentence because I've forgotten my train of thought, who can miss even the most important of appointments unless it written in three different places and alarmed in my phone to go off at ten minute intervals within the few hours beforehand. I am so in the moment sometimes that 10minutes ago feels like yesterday, and 5pm is happening in 2hrs isn't it, until I realise it's actually hit 7pm and dinner should have been and gone.. In saying all of this, I am a bit of a walking contradiction, when I have it, I have it down pat. I am Superwoman, She-God, creator and finisher of daily tasks, an archetypical cape flowing behind me as my accomplishments shine like the sun itself..
I find it laughable in a "Fuck I am so ridiculously hopeless I want to laugh and cry all at once" panic/bile rising in my throat kind of way, to admit that even on occasion I have forgotten to pick my children up on time from school. I have found myself racing in the car 2minutes before the bell is to ring at their school a 5minute drive away.. I find myself reading messages and forgetting to respond, or believing I have even if I only did it in my head and did not actually follow through with the act itself. I open mail or emails and am unable to repeat the contents a short period later.. I consistently find myself nearly without petrol or having forgotten my wallet, lunch, phone or keys.. I can do one thing at a time, I get easily distracted and sometimes I need to limit what I am doing or I lose myself in people and things.. And then, I can juggle a dozen things the next day..
If I could caricature myself it would fuzzy hair, all amiss, skewiff glasses, wrong buttons done up on a blouse and a completely dumfounded look up my face, with a slight undertone of "Oh shit!".. I think it truly is possible that my attention span is that of a goldfish, but it does not mean I do not love or appreciate my friends.. The thought of hurting people's feelings does me in and it makes me feel consistently terrible almost daily, but it does not make my brain get it's proverbial collective shit together.. I can be concentrating and bam out of the corner of my eye something catches my attention and that is it, It is done. My brain has escaped and it was last seen heading south at a rapid pace, slowly gathering speed..
I think the word for people like me is harebrained (although I call it fairly normal).. And I just wanted to say to all my harebrained sister's (and brother's) out there, you are not alone.. I may not remember you or remember to acknowledge you or remember to try to remember you, but we are cut from the same cloth, and I get it.. I don't remember how to get back to the start and begin again, and although this race sometimes feels like the tortoise and the hare, and I look like I am going round in circles, I will eventually get there. You would find it hard to believe I truly am a tortoise at heart and maybe I might possibly kinda see you in the future at some stage, but as fare as harebrained goes, I totally get it..
You and I? We ARE bad friends, but that's ok.. As long as it's work in progress hopeless never has the last word, and the one's who really see your heart? They know it will never forget them even if it thinks it has.. xx
Mama, Madly xo