I have had some seriously major revelations in recent times, mainly ones about parenting, ones that make me question everything I have done since that amazing night 16yrs ago when this tiny bundle was placed in my arms, little eyes peering up at me, looking at me with complete innocent trust and faith and love.. Babies, children, offspring, whatever you want to call them, when blessed upon us are completely pure, blank canvasses which we help to grow, decorate, colour. We create these amazing tapestries with twists and turns and spectacular textural stories that continue to be created over time, and if we do not give these works of art, our works of art, time and attention, they never blossom.. They never get the chance to shine..
I worked really hard as a young Mum, two jobs in the city, a fair hike from home and never considered how much invaluable time I was losing with my then little wee man.. He was a very happy well adjusted kid but could have done with more man hours, be those Mum or Dad man hours..
When did I drop the ball? When did I become so engrossed in all the infinite and unimportant details that in not having a spare moment meant I stepped out of 'parenting' and onto the sidelines? Well as far as I am concerned, as technology has increased so has this disconnected, disjointed parenting... When a parent stays at home and logs into facebook or ebay on a spectacularly bright sunny day instead of taking their child to the park or beach, or when that child is talking to you telling you about their day and you are so distracted by what may be going on in cyberspace or real life, you've dropped the ball.. We are given these amazing tiny human beings for such a short time, we shape and mould them into the people they are to become.. If we cannot give our children our 'precious' time, yet can give strangers more energy and love and attention than we give our own kids how exactly can we ever expect our children to grow up emotionally healthy, recognising boundaries and how exactly relationships work??
I'm not pointing any fingers, I've done it myself, I completely own what and why and how its come to this point, I am no saint but I'm so thankful for this realisation because it means I can change it.. Sorry to say, but in reality if any of this gives you even a pang of guilt then yes you are doing the wrong thing by your children, and by yourself, I know it doesn't make any of us feel good to know we have failed on some level but facts are, yes you/we/us may have dropped the ball, but it wasn't intentional, I know that, you that, Its all about addressing and fixing it.. Our children need to be the most important thing, first and foremost in our lives.. Why? because they are..
My own oldest is I believe, stuck in that cyber world all teens are stuck in these days, the world of instant gratification.. Where all these kids are so openly and publicly out there for everyone to see because they want 'likes' or to feel validated when people {who they've never met} tell them they are hot/good looking/sexy, which all in my opinion equates to having value, does this not scream to you these children are not being given the attention love and value they need from the most important source first, us, their parents.. These kids have no idea how to connect with each other or ourselves on a real level, there is no 'feeling' no empathy, no compassion and everything and everyone is becoming so disconnected.. As if everyone is so desensitised by all the crazy things we see, nothing feels really real anymore.. Its also I believe an issue (a whole other blog I have in me) about longer hours, working later in life, not having grandparents around, more technology, less organic.. Everything is becoming sexualised, false, fantastical and any 'real' feelings if they are not deemed correct or belonging to the masses, they are thrown out in favour of what everybody else thinks is.. Its crazy!! but I see it happening in young kids, teens and even my own peers.. Its a major issue..
My oldest son got his first xbox at 5yrs old, I was 25, young and dumb and guided by his Dad.. It was all innocent fun games, but he wrangled alot more time on it than I realised, and then habits began to form, what more my own opinions, habits and values changed alongside it.. I always felt like it was innocent and fun, because I hadn't grown up with it, I didn't really understand it, I didnt recognise that technology is like a slow forming cancer.. Its dangerous, in all its forms.. My oldest is now 16yrs old.. I wish I had the hindsight I have now, to never allow that type of technology into my home until the teenage years at the earliest.. So that my kids were allowed to grow and engage in reality first, and learn about their strengths and weaknesses and creativity etc without it being 'created' for them, I wish I'd allowed it to develop and blossom with them.. What we as parents forget is, we set the tone for our children, we 'normalise' things and allow them to become part of our childs life and mould who they will become..
How many of you have small kids who you have fobbed off when you are reading posts on sites like facebook or blogger or ebay etc or even playing games online or just the tv yourself? maybe its not online, maybe you are busy with work or housework or cooking or talking to your other half or on the phone to a friend, but it all disconnected really, there's no connection in that moment to your child.. How many of you can honestly say you have sat down in the last week for a good half an hour to an hour, with no interruptions like televisions, music, computers on in the background and just talked to your children, really talked, really connected, and really really truly listened to what they are saying?? Oh you dont have time? but you have time to go online yourself? or call and chat up a storm to a girlfriend or sit and wait to bid on an auction?? I see.....
Oh I'm Guilty of it myself, I do not know a single person who can say they aren't, not if they are prepared to be honest and really look at the life they live.. What bugs me the most about it is when did kids lose the art of play? is it as this world gets busier and faster and more technological? Is it, as parents, our fault? or was inevitable?
All I know is when I was kid, If I wanted to see a friend I got on my bike and rode over to their house, I played outside in the sunlight and the rain, I used my imagination for hours on end in the garden creating worlds that would make blockbuster movies in today's day and age, and I wasn't alone.. All kids did, we played 'kick the can' till the moon rose, we played jacks with our friends, put on dance show spectaculars and love was innocent and there was no sexualisation at the crazy ages of 12 and 13.. Most teen boys I knew had spent their formative years playing outside in the mud, with matchbox cars and plastic soldiers, building billy carts and chasing each other over each others fences.. Teenage kids these days have spent the last 5 to 10 years killing people.. It may be online, it may seem harmless, It may be even funny but it equals death, really!! look at what your kids are doing, be aware!! Hell, how can we ever connect with our kids when we've dropped out, and we have taught them its the norm..
If I could change one thing I have ever done as a parent it would be to keep technology at bay, don't let your toddlers use your phones, or you preschoolers use your computer, they are kids!!! Kick their butts outside, give them blocks, read books with them, and as for teens? Create boundaries, have rules, it makes them as much as they feel victimised, know that they are atleast loved.. Take the TV's out of their rooms, only allow internet time for specific amounts of time, stop using technology as a babysitter {which as a whole everyone does, its crept up on us and we didn't even see it coming} and start doing your job, because trust me at the end of the day, nothing will ever make your heart swell as much as making your child feel like the most important person in the world!!
Don't drop the ball, get outside and play with it..
Biggest loves..
Mama, Madly xox
