Do you ever feel like like you are waiting, for something, for nothing, for anything?? For the moment when your world magically joins all the dots together and your future can begin... You know because nothing speaks of a grown up, mature future more than a dot-to-dot. Like some carefully connected kindergarten picture that shows at the core, a story beginning to form, even though it is child like and rather jagged at the edges..
Well I for one am calling it!!! Bullshit!! Who and when and why was it decided that to move comfortably and rationally forward in our lives one must not only be patient, but as a virtue it must be worn with that kind of selfless wounded soldier pride that makes much in romantic movies but makes me want to do that fingers down the throat, eye rolling, vomit action of pubescent boys who havn't a mature bone in their body.. It makes me sick, really sick, in a kind of self loathing yet 'I hate people' satirical fashion that people always seem to be waiting, me included, for some magic moment to arrive so they can 'begin'... Waiting for the right job, the right partner, to lose weight, to grow hair, to grow balls, to leave a partner, to marry a partner, to stand up for oneself, to have babies, to get married, to travel, to stop travelling, to be in the moment, to stop living in the past, to start living in the now, or my favourite waiting on someone else, arghhh, the list is never ending....
Patience is not my strongest point, on any level, but it is something I have been working on for years.. I'm not saying it doesn't help one cruise a little smoother through the bowels of life when you find yourself surrounded by all the shit that comes with adulthood, I am also not saying it doesn't make those life affirming, loving, living, sweet moments, that much more saccharine sweet and fluffy, but It surely isn't the answer to how to live your life??
Maybe I am over-zealous, rebellious, immature and incapable of making choices based on rationality. Maybe I like the feeling of freedom, of choice or jumping straight in.. Sometimes I jump straight from the frying pan into the fire but atleast I know I'm still alive! I don't always think I make the best choices but I like to think I go with my gut. Sometimes an intuitive choice is so far from patience that they could be on different sides of the universe, speaking languages neither understands and you choose the scary option, the one that might be wrong but how else will you know. I've done that a lot in my life, but I've lived to tell the tale, and I've managed to raise three pretty great kids who also seem to be thriving.. So who knows hey....
I wish sometimes we could all throw caution to the wind and just do what we want to do, but on a deeper level I also know, that choice, like much else is an umbrella term. It has so many variables attached to it that sometimes its hard to move in any direction. This truly is when patience is our greatest virtue, knowing of change, needing the change, wanting the change but being unable to step into it for fear of all the variables.. Being an adult is hard enough, no one ever said anything about virtues and variables and choices and dot-to-dots!!!!
I'm at a point where I don't want to wait anymore, I will, but I don't want too.. I don't think it's impatience of sorts, I more believe its damn well knowing what I do and don't deserve, and I know atleast two dozen other people who are waking up to this realisation as well.. Maybe it's my age, maybe I'm just an impatient bitch and a leopard never changes it's spots.. Is this post completely contradictory?? Of course it is, I'm a human being, we are all about angles and emotion and contradiction no matter what we want anyone to believe...
I read a quote the other day by F.Scott Fitzgerald "Why don't you tell me that 'if the girl had been worth having she'd have waited for you'? No, sir, the girl really worth having won't wait for anybody.” and funnily enough it gave me some life perspective... I get him, Fitzy and I are buds, we have the same groove. We'd give each other the silent, across the room nod, if we could, and I believe this saying with every fibre of my being, about everything.. Nothing worth losing is worth waiting for, and we should grasp at it with both hands, because sometimes in the waiting process we forget not only what it is we are waiting for we also forget why or even worse, what we are waiting for morphs into something else or moves on and nothing ever comes of it anyway..
That is, almost everything.. Something's are worth waiting for, even a lifetime for, even without the knowledge that eventually the dots will join and your patience has paid off.. More often than not I say jump, but sometimes when there is something so worthy of time it transcends it, then it is time how to learn to dance.. And dance with you patience will, It may take rhythm you do not have and steps you have not acquired, but what is time when patience is your partner??
Just remember even Fred Astaire slipped on occasion, and that's ok too :)
Mama, Madly xox
No comments:
Post a Comment