Being a full time mum and worker I don't get a lot of me time let alone opportunities to go out.. And after the few months I'd had regarding my love life and children and working and financials with all the fluff in between, I just needed one of those easy nights out with friends and dancing and music and laughs, the kind of nights that remind you of who you are again..
The best thing about the night was the group of ladies I shared it with, all of us out doing the same thing just looking to have a good happy night, no drama, no on the prowl BS, no crazy headspaces or drunken texting and crying and feeble attempts at pretending we were having a good night, it was just real and normal and easy and we really did have a great fun night...
At one stage I was standing there laughing along at something one of my friends said about our dagginess and my drunken "I see all" goggles hit my eyes. I found myself in this slow motion vortex actually taking what was happening around me, in the club, on board..
I am almost 40, well almost 38 which is kinda close and when I hit 35 it felt like it was just around the corner, now I feel younger than I did 5yrs ago.. I have been a mother for 18yrs, and I still have a 3yr old to get through, I'm a size 16, I bear the scars of pregnancy and childbirth, my eyes crinkle at the sides when I smile and I've found a number of grey hairs.. I have been the recipient of numerous long term relationships, some emotionally and physically abusive, some amazing but fast fading, some even boring enough to make me walk away.. I have had thousands of friendships along the way, some I am lucky enough to still keep and cherish and grow, I have had innumerable hours dressing up and down and standing in front of mirrors making myself acceptably beautiful to everyone else's standards, even on those days when I just wanted to be me and throw on a hoodie and pair of jeans and cons and chill the f*@k out on my couch like a total sloth, I have travelled and worked jobs and ridden many a car Into the ground, I have studied and learnt, I have failed and I have won beyond measure, in fact I have already had such a full life I'd need to blog twice just to give you a dot point idea.. And it's only now I am beginning to recognise it's value..
I stood in that club looking at these "kids" these people filled with that youthful elixir called the teens and twenties, and to be honest they were a fairly miserable crowd, albeit drunk and a little out of control but they were miserable and it showed.. The girls literally blew my mind with the concentration and effort they required in being mindful that their short skirts and dresses needed consistent pulling down.. When I say 'the girls' I am being quite literal in saying, yes pretty much 95% of them were so incredibly conscious of this one thing they would stop mid walk, mid dance, mid conversation, mid laugh just to recalibrate the bare skin to skirt length ratios.. There was a lot of NOT being in the moment, and being aware of this boy or that girl, of those shoes or dance moves the list goes on, that no one actually seemed to be having a genuinely good time..
What I realised is when I say good time now in comparison to how I felt at that age its a whole world of different.. Yeah sure I could lose 20kgs and my clothes might be a little daggy and I laugh a little too loud and my music taste is fairly trashy and has no relationship with what is considered cool today, but I love my life.. I stood there with my friends and realised I was trying to impress no one, I like myself, I didn't care if there was anyone looking or watching or judging.. I didn't care that whilst everyone else had high heeled white plastic sandals on I had on boots (which I might add are very comfortable and those horrible bloody sandals need to be outlawed, trash bagging, bogan central, I may as well be in moccies, plastic foot attire)..
I went through a stage in my 30's where I was worried and scared of getting older and looking toward the future with fear and loathing instead of looking at my current life and where I am at emotionally and recognise that I may be a lot older and bigger but I'm also a lot wiser and happier, I've never looked so good and it's because my outer life matches my inner life.. I'm not totally sure where I am going yet but I'm fairly happy with where the journey has lead me so far.. And I am embracing and loving my age because every year I just become a better me..
Just because it has pretty packaging does not mean it isn't messy inside, and in the same breath just because it appears messy doesn't mean it's not tidy and sorted... 40 is my new black and I think it's the one colour I'm going to wear with pride...
Mama, Madly xox
Love it Blaise..! Xxx
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