Moving on....

It's funny how when a relationship ends you go through a myriad of emotions.. I've done this a number of times before so I knew what to expect when I finally called 'cut'.. And then the strangest thing happened.. Nothing.. I felt nothing of what I'd expected, not a smidge, not a quiver, just nothing..

I'm not one for denial, trust me I really go there.. I always really 'feel' my feelings.. The heartbreaks I feel deep in my heart, like it is shattering into a thousand pieces that could shred and tear at the very fabric of existence, let alone rip myself apart at the seams.. The loving fun happy times, make my soul feel like if it expanded within itself anymore, I would implode and smash holes in the universe like sparkling stars of light and love etc..

I was not prepared  though, to reach the end of a long term relationship and not only say 'enough' but feel it with such a conviction that everything slotted into place in the utterance of that one word..

It's like my mind suddenly opened up where my soul has been for the longest time, they looked at each other, my soul muttered 'finally' and scooted over as my mind wandered in fashionably late and just a little bewildered by this turn of events and sat its suddenly light arse down..

I've always been a bit of a dork, a little behind the times, somewhat retro even in spirit so I was pretty chuffed when I finally caught up with myself and realised I had already moved on.. Somewhere in the past, in between the loving and the fighting and the ego's and the drama and the life that always gets in the way, I had just moved on, and it was quiet, and it was self reliant and it didn't indulge in an emotional tirade that my younger self had always done.. I had grown up, and I hadn't even realised it.. I had come to a fork in the road and I could either travel it in abject misery with all the pretence of happy families or I could step out on my own and finally be free to find not only more of me, but another love that may fit me in the way that love should fit.. Unconditionally, without waning, in a simple way.. It should fit by just fitting.. It really is that easy... 

I guess my proudest moment after my big 'wake up' was realising I had been so brave, I dared to travel alone, let alone on a lonely untraveled path that I did not know.. And why did I do it!? Finally for the one reason I should have always been travelling my path but never had.. I did it for me...

Just because you're moving doesn't mean you're moving on, and most of the times you do move on it's during the times you are in fact finally still...

Merry, merry..

Mama, Madly xxx