The weight of the world.......

So lets talk taboo, in this seriously long blog post *apologies in advance*... I am overweight, I have been fluctuatingly overweight for many years now and with that came fluctuating shame and self loathing.. When I was younger I was always just that little bit bigger than all my friends, looking back in hindsight and at old photo's, I was incredibly skinny and I had stick insect friends.. But at the time I always felt like, the 'fat' one.. even at less than 50kgs with a broad, never a fragile structure, at 5ft7, I still felt like a beast, and never a beauty...

When does this happen?? When do we start looking in the mirror and stop seeing us for who we are and start seeing us for what or who we are not, or what we are lacking?? and Why? why is this ok, and why is this the norm....

I have a daughter, and she will be tall, around 5'11 if the docs are right, and hopefully she will be big boned and strong and healthy because that's all us mama's want for our babies.. I know she will be beautiful, I'm her Mama, she will always be beautiful to me and at the moment any form of chub on her is considered sweet and cute and something I love and equate to her being healthy and robust.. I'm dreading the day she looks in the mirror and worries about what she see's...

When I had my first son I was young, 20yrs old, a sz.10-12 worked on my feet flat out exercised daily, and walked everywhere because I did not have a car. I was healthy. Beyond healthy, I ate well, lived well, exercised daily you name it, I did it.. And then when he was 4mths old I began to gain weight, at a ridiculous speed, I put on just over 50kgs in 4mths and the doctors laughed it off.. Equated it to bad eating and post natal.. Me, the healthfoodie, walk everywhere Mama, who had a background for years in being a gym junkie had pretty much doubled my weight, I was miserable, my doctors were not listening., and at 20yrs of age when you are told by your trusted family doctor "well obviously you overeat and you're lazy!! just face it, you're fat!! do something about", you tend to believe it.. Even when doing something about it doesn't result in change..

It took a few years, really hard slog, but I lost a lot of it, not all of it, and then came son number two 9yrs later. I lost heaps of weight during pregnancy and BAM when he was 4mths old, I started piling it on.. This time 48kgs.. yes seriously!! Aside from anything else my son being in hospital for months on end with medical issues, due to my worry and stress I wasn't eating enough to justify the gain.. At all.. In the slightest.. and then my back went, and I swear I wanted to die.. I was ridiculously fat and uncomfortable in my own skin, and my discs were gone in my lower back, my son was life threateningly ill and somewhere in the back of my head was the black shadow where I lived in constant shame of my weight..

I ended up being what I would now call 'pushed' into surgery, It's not something I talk a lot about, but its not a secret either and there is a reason for that which I will explain later.. So at my doctors insistence I had Lap-Band surgery and in 100% honesty can tell you exactly what I told them at the time, "It wont work because I'm not an overeater and I don't binge"..  'no, no', I was assured it was about slow feed and kicking my metabolism into action.. Please don't be offended by me saying overweight people are all overeaters or bingers, hell I'm in that category and I certainly never was, but it has been proven medically effective for people who are overweight for those said reasons to have that type of surgery.. Because its the best for overweight people!!! I can most assuredly say, It was the WORST decision of my entire life.. And I wish I could relive those years and just say 'NO'.. But I didn't at the time, because my shame made me feel as if I had brought myself to this point and I had to do something so extreme to relieve myself of this burden.. I wish I knew then what I know now...

I had the surgery.. and would you believe it, It didn't work.. I ate carefully, exercised heaps, tried so hard, was so very mindful, literally (and this is because even now I cant eat more than my 2yr old does) ate barely anything at actual mealtimes, and it still didn't work.. Oh sure I lost weight, but exactly the same amount.. at the same time.. in the same way.. I had done before, after my pregnancies, before surgery so I'm thinking its defs not the band by this stage hey.. This is why I don't talk about it, because for such a long time, at that time, I equated it with me doing something wrong, not realising if it wasn't working it had nothing to do with me, or was in my control.. I knew other ladies, who also had the surgery and it worked brilliantly and I remember thinking 'why them!!!! why did it work for them and not me!!" and I would begin another round of self loathing and shame..

I have also had another child since, and same thing happened, lost heaps of weight in pregnancy and gained a truck load after she was born, and I finally clicked that maybe the docs were wrong and I was right!! Amazing hey, a simple person possibly knowing what is medically right for them when doctors cannot seem to work it out lol.. I asked my doctor (the one who had pushed me into surgery and who was verbally very unhappy about the fact it wasn't working) to send me off to an endocrinologist because maybe, just maybe there was more going on than he had ever tried to understand.. And I got, after his hearty laugh, "don't be ridiculous Blaise, I'm going to refer you to an obesity specialist, I wouldn't waste an endocrinologist's time with your issues"... Needless to say not only did I get a new doctor, I also had a light bulb moment, I realised in a very validating way that I had even gone as far as having surgery to lose weight and that didn't work so it couldn't have been anything I was doing! It wasn't me???? IT WASN'T ME!!!!!!!

My weight has really shaped my life, stopped me doing so many things, being so many things, leaving behind situations or people that don't support me, making room for new ones who don't know me or my world or don't fit neatly in my cache, Its all fear.. Rejecting new experiences because you already reject yourself, not trusting that anyone will not end up rejecting you or  that any situation will ever work in your favour.. Or even that you know what is right or wrong, because hell lady, you cant even work your own body out!!! .. It's not because physically I cant do any of these things, I'm a fluctuating, well rounded on occasion or slightly smaller sometimes bigger sz.16, not the size of a truck.. So many amazing, gorgeous, women are a sz.16 for Christ sake, but because I had so many head and heart issues about who I was with the fat, without fat, aside from the fat, it all revolved around the fat and self esteem completely wrapped up in it.. Being told you have an amazing heart, or a wicked witty humour, or its what's inside that counts, a pretty face, amazing eyes, phenomenal hair, you're gorgeous aside from your weight etc etc none of that makes up for from a very young age when you're just coming into your own becoming so self conscious you cover up who you are, in this physical world, on this physical plane, because your body is you...

I have finally found an amazing doctor, she could give me a heart attack with her costs, but she understands people systems and after running a billion tests has revealed mine is severely lacking, to the point of parts of my system that regulate weight and hormones don't work at all (yes, which we are beginning the slow process of fixing) and if my doctors had listened to me, and addressed it all those years ago maybe I would never have had to go through this barbaric situation.. Maybe I will lose the weight, maybe I wont, currently I'm just happy working out the underlying issues and getting healthy.. It might take a year or two, but I'm finally on the road to health and a comfortable weight.. Start trusting yourself, asking questions, seeking causes. Stop accepting, allowing defeat to overwhelm and overcome, and emotionally beating yourself up that it is somehow your fault. Even if it is from your own doing, beating yourself up will not help you reach a healthy destination it will just keep you stuck and imprisoned in this sad world that has become you but is NOT YOU!! 

It would be nice to wear clothes without feeling self conscious., but not at this cost.. It would be amazing to eat an actual plate of vegetables or salad and a big fat steak, and be able to eat them completely, because trust me lap band make eating healthy hard, and I am a foodie, I love tastes and smells and cooking and creating and healthy fresh manga!!!.. Anything natural with a husk or shell or skin becomes almost inedible with a band due to it being unable to be gotten down or held down... If you are considering this surgery please do homework first, its horrible!! It's a horrible way to live.. Dinner parties and dinner dates are hard, family feasts and summer time picnics are hard, gourmet brekkies between you and a lover are hard.. It's just such a hard path.. Its even harder when you have to live it and it doesn't work..

When I say drop your baggage, I mean all of it, emotional and physical, because being overweight isn't always something we have control over.. Don't carry the weight of YOUR world on your shoulders...

Mama, Madly xxx