Moving on....

It's funny how when a relationship ends you go through a myriad of emotions.. I've done this a number of times before so I knew what to expect when I finally called 'cut'.. And then the strangest thing happened.. Nothing.. I felt nothing of what I'd expected, not a smidge, not a quiver, just nothing..

I'm not one for denial, trust me I really go there.. I always really 'feel' my feelings.. The heartbreaks I feel deep in my heart, like it is shattering into a thousand pieces that could shred and tear at the very fabric of existence, let alone rip myself apart at the seams.. The loving fun happy times, make my soul feel like if it expanded within itself anymore, I would implode and smash holes in the universe like sparkling stars of light and love etc..

I was not prepared  though, to reach the end of a long term relationship and not only say 'enough' but feel it with such a conviction that everything slotted into place in the utterance of that one word..

It's like my mind suddenly opened up where my soul has been for the longest time, they looked at each other, my soul muttered 'finally' and scooted over as my mind wandered in fashionably late and just a little bewildered by this turn of events and sat its suddenly light arse down..

I've always been a bit of a dork, a little behind the times, somewhat retro even in spirit so I was pretty chuffed when I finally caught up with myself and realised I had already moved on.. Somewhere in the past, in between the loving and the fighting and the ego's and the drama and the life that always gets in the way, I had just moved on, and it was quiet, and it was self reliant and it didn't indulge in an emotional tirade that my younger self had always done.. I had grown up, and I hadn't even realised it.. I had come to a fork in the road and I could either travel it in abject misery with all the pretence of happy families or I could step out on my own and finally be free to find not only more of me, but another love that may fit me in the way that love should fit.. Unconditionally, without waning, in a simple way.. It should fit by just fitting.. It really is that easy... 

I guess my proudest moment after my big 'wake up' was realising I had been so brave, I dared to travel alone, let alone on a lonely untraveled path that I did not know.. And why did I do it!? Finally for the one reason I should have always been travelling my path but never had.. I did it for me...

Just because you're moving doesn't mean you're moving on, and most of the times you do move on it's during the times you are in fact finally still...

Merry, merry..

Mama, Madly xxx

The weight of the world.......

So lets talk taboo, in this seriously long blog post *apologies in advance*... I am overweight, I have been fluctuatingly overweight for many years now and with that came fluctuating shame and self loathing.. When I was younger I was always just that little bit bigger than all my friends, looking back in hindsight and at old photo's, I was incredibly skinny and I had stick insect friends.. But at the time I always felt like, the 'fat' one.. even at less than 50kgs with a broad, never a fragile structure, at 5ft7, I still felt like a beast, and never a beauty...

When does this happen?? When do we start looking in the mirror and stop seeing us for who we are and start seeing us for what or who we are not, or what we are lacking?? and Why? why is this ok, and why is this the norm....

I have a daughter, and she will be tall, around 5'11 if the docs are right, and hopefully she will be big boned and strong and healthy because that's all us mama's want for our babies.. I know she will be beautiful, I'm her Mama, she will always be beautiful to me and at the moment any form of chub on her is considered sweet and cute and something I love and equate to her being healthy and robust.. I'm dreading the day she looks in the mirror and worries about what she see's...

When I had my first son I was young, 20yrs old, a sz.10-12 worked on my feet flat out exercised daily, and walked everywhere because I did not have a car. I was healthy. Beyond healthy, I ate well, lived well, exercised daily you name it, I did it.. And then when he was 4mths old I began to gain weight, at a ridiculous speed, I put on just over 50kgs in 4mths and the doctors laughed it off.. Equated it to bad eating and post natal.. Me, the healthfoodie, walk everywhere Mama, who had a background for years in being a gym junkie had pretty much doubled my weight, I was miserable, my doctors were not listening., and at 20yrs of age when you are told by your trusted family doctor "well obviously you overeat and you're lazy!! just face it, you're fat!! do something about", you tend to believe it.. Even when doing something about it doesn't result in change..

It took a few years, really hard slog, but I lost a lot of it, not all of it, and then came son number two 9yrs later. I lost heaps of weight during pregnancy and BAM when he was 4mths old, I started piling it on.. This time 48kgs.. yes seriously!! Aside from anything else my son being in hospital for months on end with medical issues, due to my worry and stress I wasn't eating enough to justify the gain.. At all.. In the slightest.. and then my back went, and I swear I wanted to die.. I was ridiculously fat and uncomfortable in my own skin, and my discs were gone in my lower back, my son was life threateningly ill and somewhere in the back of my head was the black shadow where I lived in constant shame of my weight..

I ended up being what I would now call 'pushed' into surgery, It's not something I talk a lot about, but its not a secret either and there is a reason for that which I will explain later.. So at my doctors insistence I had Lap-Band surgery and in 100% honesty can tell you exactly what I told them at the time, "It wont work because I'm not an overeater and I don't binge"..  'no, no', I was assured it was about slow feed and kicking my metabolism into action.. Please don't be offended by me saying overweight people are all overeaters or bingers, hell I'm in that category and I certainly never was, but it has been proven medically effective for people who are overweight for those said reasons to have that type of surgery.. Because its the best for overweight people!!! I can most assuredly say, It was the WORST decision of my entire life.. And I wish I could relive those years and just say 'NO'.. But I didn't at the time, because my shame made me feel as if I had brought myself to this point and I had to do something so extreme to relieve myself of this burden.. I wish I knew then what I know now...

I had the surgery.. and would you believe it, It didn't work.. I ate carefully, exercised heaps, tried so hard, was so very mindful, literally (and this is because even now I cant eat more than my 2yr old does) ate barely anything at actual mealtimes, and it still didn't work.. Oh sure I lost weight, but exactly the same amount.. at the same time.. in the same way.. I had done before, after my pregnancies, before surgery so I'm thinking its defs not the band by this stage hey.. This is why I don't talk about it, because for such a long time, at that time, I equated it with me doing something wrong, not realising if it wasn't working it had nothing to do with me, or was in my control.. I knew other ladies, who also had the surgery and it worked brilliantly and I remember thinking 'why them!!!! why did it work for them and not me!!" and I would begin another round of self loathing and shame..

I have also had another child since, and same thing happened, lost heaps of weight in pregnancy and gained a truck load after she was born, and I finally clicked that maybe the docs were wrong and I was right!! Amazing hey, a simple person possibly knowing what is medically right for them when doctors cannot seem to work it out lol.. I asked my doctor (the one who had pushed me into surgery and who was verbally very unhappy about the fact it wasn't working) to send me off to an endocrinologist because maybe, just maybe there was more going on than he had ever tried to understand.. And I got, after his hearty laugh, "don't be ridiculous Blaise, I'm going to refer you to an obesity specialist, I wouldn't waste an endocrinologist's time with your issues"... Needless to say not only did I get a new doctor, I also had a light bulb moment, I realised in a very validating way that I had even gone as far as having surgery to lose weight and that didn't work so it couldn't have been anything I was doing! It wasn't me???? IT WASN'T ME!!!!!!!

My weight has really shaped my life, stopped me doing so many things, being so many things, leaving behind situations or people that don't support me, making room for new ones who don't know me or my world or don't fit neatly in my cache, Its all fear.. Rejecting new experiences because you already reject yourself, not trusting that anyone will not end up rejecting you or  that any situation will ever work in your favour.. Or even that you know what is right or wrong, because hell lady, you cant even work your own body out!!! .. It's not because physically I cant do any of these things, I'm a fluctuating, well rounded on occasion or slightly smaller sometimes bigger sz.16, not the size of a truck.. So many amazing, gorgeous, women are a sz.16 for Christ sake, but because I had so many head and heart issues about who I was with the fat, without fat, aside from the fat, it all revolved around the fat and self esteem completely wrapped up in it.. Being told you have an amazing heart, or a wicked witty humour, or its what's inside that counts, a pretty face, amazing eyes, phenomenal hair, you're gorgeous aside from your weight etc etc none of that makes up for from a very young age when you're just coming into your own becoming so self conscious you cover up who you are, in this physical world, on this physical plane, because your body is you...

I have finally found an amazing doctor, she could give me a heart attack with her costs, but she understands people systems and after running a billion tests has revealed mine is severely lacking, to the point of parts of my system that regulate weight and hormones don't work at all (yes, which we are beginning the slow process of fixing) and if my doctors had listened to me, and addressed it all those years ago maybe I would never have had to go through this barbaric situation.. Maybe I will lose the weight, maybe I wont, currently I'm just happy working out the underlying issues and getting healthy.. It might take a year or two, but I'm finally on the road to health and a comfortable weight.. Start trusting yourself, asking questions, seeking causes. Stop accepting, allowing defeat to overwhelm and overcome, and emotionally beating yourself up that it is somehow your fault. Even if it is from your own doing, beating yourself up will not help you reach a healthy destination it will just keep you stuck and imprisoned in this sad world that has become you but is NOT YOU!! 

It would be nice to wear clothes without feeling self conscious., but not at this cost.. It would be amazing to eat an actual plate of vegetables or salad and a big fat steak, and be able to eat them completely, because trust me lap band make eating healthy hard, and I am a foodie, I love tastes and smells and cooking and creating and healthy fresh manga!!!.. Anything natural with a husk or shell or skin becomes almost inedible with a band due to it being unable to be gotten down or held down... If you are considering this surgery please do homework first, its horrible!! It's a horrible way to live.. Dinner parties and dinner dates are hard, family feasts and summer time picnics are hard, gourmet brekkies between you and a lover are hard.. It's just such a hard path.. Its even harder when you have to live it and it doesn't work..

When I say drop your baggage, I mean all of it, emotional and physical, because being overweight isn't always something we have control over.. Don't carry the weight of YOUR world on your shoulders...

Mama, Madly xxx

Yes Man, that's exactly the point......

**Before you begin, be warned, this blog is long, and very personal, and very raw.. But it is something I believe truly needs and should be spoken about.. enough of the stigma..**

I have a son, I have two actually, but the one I want to speak about is my eldest... He is 16yrs old and has struggled through an amazingly hard stretch of his life in the last 6mths.. The teen years are a hard slog for anyone, believe me I know.. I remember..

Not yet an adult but no longer a child, emotions that wash over you like tidal waves. Changes in concepts & attributes be they mind, body or soul. The comings and goings of friendships and loves however fleeting, marking their space on your heart with scars that will not heal for years and leave you hurting for what feels like will be an eternity.. Being a teenager hurts..

Being a teenager with depression hurts more.. This I also know because one such teen is mine, my own mini me, and I watch over him like a lion watches over her cubs she has sent out on their first hunt alone, knowing I cannot do more than I have on this journey.. His journey.. I know, having been the lucky recipient of varied degree's of depressive states many times over my years, that this dark hole is his to unfold, to maybe unravel, for himself to help himself climb out of..

Do not get me wrong, he does not flounder alone. I am his mother. His champion. His most valiant warrior and I will fight for this boy forever and a day.. It's been a rough few months, for him and me.. Running dialogue is hard at the best of times between parent and child, let alone mother and son, let alone from a teen son, let alone from a male.. And this point is what pains me most.. If the commentary was open and available, then so many issues may have been resolved before we hit this point, this very low point when at that age you are already questioning everything about everything..

He struggled at school, too young to know where he wanted to be as an adult, the pressure so much for these kids so young. He struggled with his much beloved but semi absent Father deciding to take residence back up in his life after being AWOL on the parenting front for so long, this new intermittent energy exchange only brought the hurt up more.. He struggled with finding his feet with his peers, creating new friends and finding a good social circle..
He struggled in his relationships, the last one seemingly perfect in their 'love' for each other until well and truly after the fact I find that his hysterical breakdowns and acts of violence towards poor unsuspecting trees (that allowed him his release of pain without question) was because his perfect girlfriend would get perfectly drunk at parties and kiss other boys. So in fact, truly not perfect. Not at all. Not in the slightest.. and yet he said nothing in an act of protection toward her, when he was the one being injured..
He struggled in his relationship with  myself because seeing and misunderstanding his behaviour, being told many untruths, after finding out about his very minor dabbling in drugs decided his behaviour must be borne of a more serious addiction that I did not know the truth about and teenage rebellion. Feeling the battle almost lost, I came down harder on him than I ever had before. And all the while it was his heart&mind in pain and not as I had been lead to believe his bad choices..

If only we had talked. Really talked. It was not for want of trying but even in this day of supposed connected emotional health, we still live in an age where our world equates masculinity with stoic steadfastness, and pain is endured in an outward show of manly brawn, my son who I always believed was open to emotion and vulnerability could not talk to me because it didn't 'feel' right that he should do so. Heartbreaking isn't it....

I have to say one of the most healing things has been him talking, and recognising that it is in fact exactly what he needed to do.. He, with an unconquerable spirit has risen up to the occasion, passing school, breaking his own heart and walking away from someone he loved, extricating himself from friendships that do not serve him, finding employment and making an effort with family in a connective way he hasn't done for a very long while..

The last issue he had to sort, was his football.. Something that we had to deal with, the outcome of it all this morning, something that happened there that enraged me so much I swore and ranted and paced and now I am blogging about it..

My son 9wks ago was benched because he hit someone on the field.. Suspended from play because of the brutality.. It was only a 6wk suspension but with three bye's, he has not played for 9wks.. Now don't get me wrong, I do not believe in violence let alone acts of violence out of retribution but my son already being in a bad space was reactive and the outcome from that was him head-butting another player who got into his face, and said really bad things about him.. Did I mention my son is star? he's a brilliant footy player with enough talent to have a long career and as such is a consistently harassed and singled out on the field by the opposing side.. He is fast, and skilful, can kick or handball straight on the mark and plows down the field like a bulldozer, he is constantly 'manned' up & goaded toward making a mistake.. This happens to two other lads on the team also and its awful to watch but with talent, there comes opposing strategy..

Anyway, the crux of this story is he did wrong, he paid, I make no excuses, and in his time off he has been working on himself, his body and an injury that has plagued him for years, his life and his schooling.. It was divine intervention the day he was ripped off the field to be given 'time-out', it was time out he needed.. And whilst he is not "better" by a long shot he has sorted himself to the point of having a meeting today to discuss his returning to his team, his tribe, his peers of many years where he is desperate to be, and be a part of once again.. We spoke to his coach, opened up, told the truth, when he was being questioned about his commitment to the team, as his commitment had been failing him for months, not just in footy but all aspects of his life, and his coach wanted reassurance he wasn't returning to let the side down again.

My son, being brave and wise beyond his years was not opposed to his coach knowing his struggles. Knowing that he had been sorting all aspects of his life to get back to a point where he could be focused and committed.. My son was vulnerable and open to this man, his coach, his mentor, and what did his coach do!? flippantly brushed off what my son said, telling him it was not the point, and had nothing to do with the situation at hand... In essence and not as articulate as I, his coach asked him if he was going to suck it up, man up, and do what needs to be done for his team.. To be strong!!... Um, Well yes MAN, that is entirely his point, in opening up to you, in his admissions of struggle and depression, he was in fact showing strength beyond his years..

Did I interject? well yes of course I did, it's who I am but what I didn't say was this..........
"When did it become commonplace for men to disregard other men? and how other men feel??.. When did Men in positions of mentoring power become so apathetic in their dealing with these young men, who are being brave and trying to connect with themselves and others, normally in an act of honesty about their emotions.. and how did this man not recognise or care to acknowledge that my son's downward spiral had come from more than just teenage arrogance or indifference, It was an illness that was being sorted and worked through... Why can men not recognise the amazing power they hold when conversing and interacting with these kids, that they are helping shape who they are, how they behave, and what kind of man they will end up becoming..

Be they men or not, child or adult, girl or boy, anyone standing in their vulnerability and owning an illness like depression should never ever be glibly fobbed off... Men, and not all, because I know some amazing men who are open to a fault, but a lot of men still, to this day, treat depression as a weakness, and I believe in the admission of dealing with such an illness you are in fact stronger in spirit than the ignorant will ever be... I didn't say this to my son's coach, but I did say it to him.. So he could see that the problem was not in fact with him but the other party entirely and when he looks in the mirror tonight he should be proud of the man looking back at him.. The man who has climbed out of his own dark cave, has owned his own truth and still does what needs to be done..

We always want to be our children's true north, but sometimes it's better to be their north star, shining light down to help guide their way as they find their own feet and own path

Maybe home isn't so much where your heart is, but home IS your heart..
Mama, Madly...xx

A place to call home, I mean alone...

Do you have a spot? A space? You know where you give the universal two handed "T" sign that everyone knows means TIME OUT!!!!

I do. Have a place that is. It's small, but its warm and its very much alone. I'm meant to be naked when I'm using it so sometimes sitting fully clad in here feels almost naughty but I do it. I do, do it, all the time.

In fact I'm writing this blog in here now.. It's my en suite, I'm sitting on the toilet with the lid down, the heat lamps on, Sinead O'Connor's - The Lion and the Cobra is beating out of my phone into the palms of my hands whilst I type and the quiet takes me to a Blaise place I rarely get to go anymore..

You know that internal place, of peace and stillness and just being, that is easy & full of a level of consciousness of oneself it's almost an unconscious state..

  

I need alone time, it's a given, completely unquestioned, and generally on a daily level if only for a minute. If I've hit the point where I lock myself away then those surrounding me know its best to leave me to my own devices, I'll disconnect so I can reconnect and it will be fine.. I am left alone, and not spoken to, and I like it. I like being with people without the need to speak. It's my favourite kind of silence.. The kind where we don't feel like we need to fill the void, as if in silence there is lack, because there is not. Silence can say so much.. My loud demeanour can be very quiet, sometimes, frequently, I just need somewhere to sit, to be, all alone with quiet and space enough in my surrounding energy so I can just be with myself and reconnect.. To all that is me.. Where external life cannot be heard, and everything just 'goes away'..

Do you ever feel like you are being pulled in so many directions you could be ripped in half? Life and parenting and professionalism always seem to do that.. I think we all believe its called growing up, but I'm realizing more and more its called disconnecting, with self.. We stop being US so much that we become everything we are not. Sometimes I am still youthful of spirit, and 26!! not the reality of 10yrs older and feeling like I'm 10 older on top of that.. Sometimes I'm lots of things and its all ok.. I'm the angry warrior, the beguiled artist, the overwhelmed mother, the intrigued teen, the naughty child.. We all are, but we forget and sometimes we need to remember.. Because if we are not who we are then why do we bother..

I'd like to be an architect, build houses, homes. I'd put a smallish room in every single house, with a skylight, heating, cooling, seating, wifi, music, books or no books whatever people want, and then I'd soundproof it all.. Like a panic room with all the ease of tranquility.. A time out room, in the best possible sense of the word, so that by reconnecting with themselves, everyone could reconnect with each other because whatever life is, it should be connected.. 

Anyway, I'm off, I feel better, this made me feel better.. I love my "al-own" time!! 

The Art of Play...

I have had some seriously major revelations in recent times, mainly ones about parenting, ones that make me question everything I have done since that amazing night 16yrs ago when this tiny bundle was placed in my arms, little eyes peering up at me, looking at me with complete innocent trust and faith and love.. Babies, children, offspring, whatever you want to call them, when blessed upon us are completely pure, blank canvasses which we help to grow, decorate, colour. We create these amazing tapestries with twists and turns and spectacular textural stories that continue to be created over time, and if we do not give these works of art, our works of art, time and attention, they never blossom.. They never get the chance to shine..

I worked really hard as a young Mum, two jobs in the city, a fair hike from home and never considered how much invaluable time I was losing with my then little wee man.. He was a very happy well adjusted kid but could have done with more man hours, be those Mum or Dad man hours..

When did I drop the ball? When did I become so engrossed in all the infinite and unimportant details that  in not having a spare moment meant I stepped out of 'parenting' and onto the sidelines? Well as far as I am concerned, as technology has increased so has this disconnected, disjointed parenting... When a parent stays at home and logs into facebook or ebay on a spectacularly bright sunny day instead of taking their child to the park or beach, or when that child is talking to you telling you about their day and you are so distracted by what may be going on in cyberspace or real life, you've dropped the ball.. We are given these amazing tiny human beings for such a short time, we shape and mould them into the people they are to become.. If we cannot give our children our 'precious' time, yet can give strangers more energy and love and attention than we give our own kids how exactly can we ever expect our children to grow up emotionally healthy, recognising boundaries and how exactly relationships work??

I'm not pointing any fingers, I've done it myself,  I completely own what and why and how its come to this point, I am no saint but I'm so thankful for this realisation because it means I can change it.. Sorry to say, but in reality if any of this gives you even a pang of guilt then yes you are doing the wrong thing by your children, and by yourself, I know it doesn't make any of us feel good to know we have failed on some level but facts are, yes you/we/us may have dropped the ball, but it wasn't intentional, I know that, you that, Its all about addressing and fixing it.. Our children need to be the most important thing, first and foremost in our lives.. Why? because they are..

My own oldest is I believe, stuck in that cyber world all teens are stuck in these days, the world of instant gratification.. Where all these kids are so openly and publicly out there for everyone to see because they want 'likes' or to feel validated when people {who they've never met} tell them they are hot/good looking/sexy, which all in my opinion equates to having value, does this not scream to you these children are not being given the attention love and value they need from the most important source first, us, their parents.. These kids have no idea how to connect with each other or ourselves on a real level, there is no 'feeling' no empathy, no compassion and everything and everyone is becoming so disconnected.. As if everyone is so desensitised by all the crazy things we see, nothing feels really real anymore.. Its also I believe an issue (a whole other blog I have in me) about longer hours, working later in life, not having grandparents around, more technology, less organic.. Everything is becoming sexualised, false, fantastical and any 'real' feelings if they are not deemed correct or belonging to the masses, they are thrown out in favour of what everybody else thinks is.. Its crazy!! but I see it happening in young kids, teens and even my own peers.. Its a major issue..

My  oldest son got his first xbox at 5yrs old, I was 25, young and dumb and guided by his Dad.. It was all innocent fun games, but he wrangled alot more time on it than I realised, and then habits began to form, what more my own opinions, habits and values changed alongside it.. I always felt like it was innocent and fun, because I hadn't grown up with it, I didn't really understand it, I didnt recognise that technology is like a slow forming cancer.. Its dangerous, in all its forms.. My oldest is now 16yrs old.. I wish I had the hindsight I have now, to never allow that type of technology into my home until the teenage years at the earliest.. So that my kids were allowed to grow and engage in reality first, and learn about their strengths and weaknesses and creativity etc without it being 'created' for them, I wish I'd allowed it to develop and blossom with them.. What we as parents forget is, we set the tone for our children, we 'normalise' things and allow them to become part of our childs life and mould who they will become..

How many of you have small kids who you have fobbed off when you are reading posts on sites like facebook or blogger or ebay etc or even playing games online or just the tv yourself? maybe its not online, maybe you are busy with work or housework or cooking or talking to your other half or on the phone to a friend, but it all disconnected really, there's no connection in that moment to your child.. How many of you can honestly say you have sat down in the last week for a good half an hour to an hour, with no interruptions like televisions, music, computers on in the background and just talked to your children, really talked, really connected, and really really truly listened to what they are saying?? Oh you dont have time? but you have time to go online yourself? or call and chat up a storm to a girlfriend or sit and wait to bid on an auction?? I see.....

Oh I'm Guilty of it myself, I do not know a single person who can say they aren't, not if they are prepared to be honest and really look at the life they live.. What bugs me the most about it is when did kids lose the art of play? is it as this world gets busier and faster and more technological? Is it, as parents, our fault? or was inevitable?

All I know is when I was kid, If I wanted to see a friend I got on my bike and rode over to their house, I played outside in the sunlight and the rain, I used my imagination for hours on end in the garden creating worlds that would make blockbuster movies in today's day and age, and I wasn't alone.. All kids did, we played 'kick the can' till the moon rose, we played jacks with our friends, put on dance show spectaculars and love was innocent and there was no sexualisation at the crazy ages of 12 and 13.. Most teen boys I knew had spent their formative years playing outside in the mud, with matchbox cars and plastic soldiers, building billy carts and chasing each other over each others fences.. Teenage kids these days have spent the last 5 to 10 years killing people.. It may be online, it may seem harmless, It may be even funny but it equals death, really!! look at what your kids are doing, be aware!! Hell, how can we ever connect with our kids when we've dropped out, and we have taught them its the norm..

If I could change one thing I have ever done as a parent it would be to keep technology at bay, don't let your toddlers use your phones, or you preschoolers use your computer, they are kids!!! Kick their butts outside, give them blocks, read books with them, and as for teens? Create boundaries, have rules, it makes them as much as they feel victimised, know that they are atleast loved.. Take the TV's out of their rooms, only allow internet time for specific amounts of time, stop using technology as a babysitter {which as a whole everyone does, its crept up on us and we didn't even see it coming} and start doing your job, because trust me at the end of the day, nothing will ever make your heart swell as much as making your child feel like the most important person in the world!!

Don't drop the ball, get outside and play with it..

Biggest loves..
Mama, Madly xox

The Art of War

When we are growing up we do not realise that along life's journey we will inevitably face numerous battles..

Ones of the heart, the mind, morals, parenting, socioeconomic, peer group pressure or Jonesing, lifestyle, health, offspring, sibling, career, you name it..
At some stage no matter how fortuitous we are or how much Lady Luck has taken a shine to us, we will eventually have to fight...

The other thing no-one tells us is that our biggest and most fearsome foe is and always will be ourselves..

I have fought well and hard my entire life for what I believe to be worthy, I have fought to survive, to live a worthy life, to stay true to who I am.. I have fought perceptions of others and self, I believe as far as myself and my family goes, I truly have fought the good fight.. Now in my mid 30's I truly believed most of my fighting was done and then last week hit me. Like a strategic left fielded sniper attack, my life reached out and shot me fair square in the arse, and the wind in my sails was gone before I had even realised what was happening..

I had not one but 3 major parenting issues come up with my oldest child, and they weren't little, and they weren't of the "oh all teenagers do those types of things" genre, they were quite serious, and the sheer weight of them broke my heart.. I'm not going into any details, needless to say the very serious police matter was something my son had not been involved in *insert internal happy dance* BUT the stupidity of happy pills WAS a reality, and something that never occurred to me would ever ever be an issue due to my own past.. And due to the open honesty with which I had chosen to raise my children..

The situation, which is not my point in all of this, but just to calm fears, was very new and dealt with immediately.. but, I was a mess.
For longer than I have been in a while, I was an emotional mess and it amazed me how any given situation  can rock your world, to the very core, and make you question everything. Everything you have ever said, done, taught, felt, thought. Who you are, where you are going and what in reality is your life's mission..

I have realised that thoughts I had 10yrs ago about the above questions are complete polar opposite realities of who I am now, and I am glad.. It has made me question my belief structure, and other.. Question my life, my morals, my views and most importantly myself. I have realised I am ALLOWED to be hypocritical, or change my mind or even have differing opinions on the same subject in regards to different people, even when in the past I tried to stay true to the very opposite. I am allowed because it has been earned and learnt, the hard way through thought and deed and life, and luckily for me wisdom has been my redemption.

It's made me realise we do fight, and it never stops, but it is a good thing. Why? because it means we never stop growing, never stop evolving, never stop becoming the best possible versions of ourselves. And like the domino effect when we are healthy it shines across those we surround ourselves with and can only help lift them up as well.

I have decided in the future, when I am faced with a battle to look upon it as opportunity and not feel knocked down or ripped off or worse yet, feel like I have failed in a way that even sometimes I cant explain why but the feeling of it is so big and dark it leaves empty holes inside of me.. Battles are an opportunity for growth, and more importantly for the birth of an even richer life.. Because there is always life from within the ashes..

..as Sun Tzu says in "The Art of War" -:

“Thus we may know that there are essentials for victory:
1 He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight.
2 He will win who knows how to handle both superior and inferior forces.
3 He will win whose army is animated by the same spirit throughout all its ranks.
4 He will win who, prepared himself, waits to take the enemy unprepared.

but I think his best battle tactic is this

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” 

even If it means ourselves...

Mama, Madly... xo

Listlessly listing lists

Lists..!!! I LOVE them....

I could write a billion lists, sometimes it's like lists find me...

I have lists for everything.. 

Cooking, shopping, ingredients, what to take, what not to take, what I need to aquire, what I need to get rid of, I've even created 5yr plan lists, 6mth lists, baby names lists, what I like about myself, what I want to change, fix, love, hate, chuck, keep, style, follow, dream, download, upload, you name it there is a list..!!

It hasn't surprised me there is a "list" sensation taking over social networks, blog's, instagram etc.. People are creatures of habit, and yet too busy for their own good.. Too busy to follow a recognised path and it breeds insecurity.. So we tend to forget, important things, big and small details.. and eventually ourselves..

Another blog has begun a 52 Lists challenge.. It's brilliant, and people love it.. Why? Because I think sometimes lists remind us of who we are, where we are going and what we need to do to get there..

I love this challenge personally because amongst the years of being Mum and worker and creator Ive forgotten my essentials, the ones that make me, ME. I love the idea of having a weekly 'to do' list of fun things with your children, because sometimes time just passes us by, and next week never comes, I even love the idea of writing appreciation lists once a week for what makes you happy, just happy, happy in your life and self, just a little reminder list.. Lists that are now being written, that are all the craze, instead of being useful on a daily grind level they are useful in other ways.. "Favourite Smells"!! well who doesn't have favourite smells? Ones that remind you of a special time, a childhood moment, a memory that has been buried in the recesses of your heart and mind..

One of my favourite smells is gingernut bikkies, they remind me of my Grandad and being little, and happy days filled with sunshine and twirling and laughter, simpler times.. I love the smell of old books..!! I've always been a voracious reader, I'd leave school and unlike other teens my age, would wander off to find old church opp shops.. why old church ones as I am not religious in any way shape or form?? Well they always seem to have the best book collections, maybe its a respect thing..?? I don't care why really, all I know is they do and I would find them and sit and read, and explore and smell the books and know they had been alive longer than I and it always made me happy..

I have a number of lists to write this week, my kids are back at school, and I am also back at school, doing a degree.. I'm starting something I've wanted to do for a long time, something I will talk about in my next blog, and I am scared.. Scared I wont be able to make it through and do what needs to be done, until I think of writing lists, and then I know. It will all be ok because I will have lists to guide me, they may not be perfect and may only be written by me.. But they will get me through each week, like clockwork, and routined pattern that will perfect for me and my life, It really will all be ok..

I will no longer write listless lists of maybes, I will write lists of haves and can-do's.. This may be the year for me to shine, but I'll be damned sure I have a list that shows me what to wear when I get there..

Yours, truly
Mama, Madly... xxx