40 is the new black....

So I went out on the weekend.. Old school style. Jeans, docs, hair back, totally unpretentious and totally prepared for a great night out with some girly friends..

Being a full time mum and worker I don't get a lot of me time let alone opportunities to go out.. And after the few months I'd had regarding my love life and children and working and financials with all the fluff in between, I just needed one of those easy nights out with friends and dancing and music and laughs, the kind of nights that remind you of who you are again..

The best thing about the night was the group of ladies I shared it with, all of us out doing the same thing just looking to have a good happy night, no drama, no on the prowl BS, no crazy headspaces or drunken texting and crying and feeble attempts at pretending we were having a good night, it was just real and normal and easy and we really did have a great fun night... 

At one stage I was standing there laughing along at something one of my friends said about our dagginess and my drunken "I see all" goggles hit my eyes. I found myself in this slow motion vortex actually taking what was happening around me, in the club, on board..

I am almost 40, well almost 38 which is kinda close and when I hit 35 it felt like it was just around the corner, now I feel younger than I did 5yrs ago.. I have been a mother for 18yrs, and I still have a 3yr old to get through, I'm a size 16, I bear the scars of pregnancy and childbirth, my eyes crinkle at the sides when I smile and I've found a number of grey hairs.. I have been the recipient of numerous long term relationships, some emotionally and physically abusive, some amazing but fast fading, some even boring enough to make me walk away.. I have had thousands of friendships along the way, some I am lucky enough to still keep and cherish and grow, I have had innumerable hours dressing up and down and standing in front of mirrors making myself acceptably beautiful to everyone else's standards, even on those days when I just wanted to be me and throw on a hoodie and pair of jeans and cons and chill the f*@k out on my couch like a total sloth, I have travelled and worked jobs and ridden many a car Into the ground, I have studied and learnt, I have failed and I have won beyond measure, in fact I have already had such a full life I'd need to blog twice just to give you a dot point idea.. And it's only now I am beginning to recognise it's value..

I stood in that club looking at these "kids" these people filled with that youthful elixir called the teens and twenties, and to be honest they were a fairly miserable crowd, albeit drunk and a little out of control but they were miserable and it showed.. The girls literally blew my mind with the concentration and effort they required in being mindful that their short skirts and dresses needed consistent pulling down.. When I say 'the girls' I am being quite literal in saying, yes pretty much 95% of them were so incredibly conscious of this one thing they would stop mid walk, mid dance, mid conversation, mid laugh just to recalibrate the bare skin to skirt length ratios.. There was a lot of NOT being in the moment, and being aware of this boy or that girl, of those shoes or dance moves the list goes on, that no one actually seemed to be having a genuinely good time.. 

What I realised is when I say good time now in comparison to how I felt at that age its a whole world of different.. Yeah sure I could lose 20kgs and my clothes might be a little daggy and I laugh a little too loud and my music taste is fairly trashy and has no relationship with what is considered cool today, but I love my life.. I stood there with my friends and realised I was trying to impress no one, I like myself, I didn't care if there was anyone looking or watching or judging.. I didn't care that whilst everyone else had high heeled white plastic sandals on I had on boots (which I might add are very comfortable and those horrible bloody sandals need to be outlawed, trash bagging, bogan central, I may as well be in moccies, plastic foot attire)..

I went through a stage in my 30's where I was worried and scared of getting older and looking toward the future with fear and loathing instead of looking at my current life and where I am at emotionally and recognise that I may be a lot older and bigger but I'm also a lot wiser and happier, I've never looked so good and it's because my outer life matches my inner life.. I'm not totally sure where I am going yet but I'm fairly happy with where the journey has lead me so far.. And I am embracing and loving my age because every year I just become a better me..

Just because it has pretty packaging does not mean it isn't messy inside, and in the same breath just because it appears messy doesn't mean it's not tidy and sorted... 40 is my new black and I think it's the one colour I'm going to wear with pride...

Mama, Madly xox

Stepping up!!??

Who put the step before the word Parent!? And what exactly did it mean when they did this!? I like to think it's because it means those of us who have taken on the role of Parenting someone else's child are "stepping up" into this role. A role we do not need to step up into nor do we have to place merit in yet through love and appreciation of our partners or even the children themselves we chose to.. We chose to step up to when taking them on board we also take on their children, we take on 'all' of them..

'Step-parenting' gets such a bum wrap on a fairly consistent level, do you know why!? Because it sucks, being a SP is bloody hard work, and generally unrecognised let alone rewarded.. We step up, we hand up, we give up and yet rarely is it enough.. We are always in the "you are not my mum/dad" category even if we are opening our soft and squidgey hearts to these miniature beasts who have the ability to love or hate us (or both in the same breath).. We consistently sit on the threshold of the parenting dog house when exercising our let's call it "Adult authority" shall we, because most of the time even after years of trying to exercise the 'parental' rule we either get the look, the attitude or the 'don't even go there' talk and that's just by our partner, because they cannot give up the leadership role and will not always agree with your methods even if they are right.. The step-child or SC in question is a whole other level of hell in this equation.

Don't get me wrong I am/have been a step parent for 10yrs and have done so with a loving open heart, a fairly equal opportunity parenting household (I parented, he played.. Our own warped version of good cop, bad cop) and have a fruitful loving relationship with my step daughter, hell she even chose to live with me because we get along so well..

It's the times and the moments people don't see or recognise that take their toll on SP's, the energy we expend to create a loving environment the child feels welcomed in, a space of their own, the occasional 'I will buy that for you in the act of bribery so you like me just a little bit more but if you were my own child no way would you be so spoilt' moments, the arguments we chose to not have with our partners, the battles we chose not to fight, the intimacy we lose in our relationships just by having this third party in our lives even though we have chosen it, our partners not backing us because their child comes first even when they are blatantly wrong or the drama we unwittingly create if we step the wrong way and it is not appreciated by the child &/or parent and don't even get me started in the "other" mother/father or other parent=OP.. 

Actually I shouldn't say other as you will never be the SC's mother or father, you will always be second best even if you have brought them up and given them everything there is always the threat of the OP.. Even if the OP was the worlds worst parent they will always sit that little higher than you on the throne.. You and the OP will never agree totally, that's if you talk at all, and moments of truce and solidarity will be overrun by 'he said, she said' moments especially when kids are growing up and becoming teenagers and drama is their second nature because let's face it, teenagers be they your own or anyone else's are arseholes..

 It's even worse if you don't have your own kids to add to the melting pot and you are taking them on blindsided, because then in everyone who is looking in on your relationship, if they don't have a running verbal commentary about how you have no idea what your doing their eyes say it with sparkling pleasure.. You can and more often than not do no right, step-parents = the unsung heroes, I really hope you know how to drink....

The scenario gets even more convoluted when you and your partner decide "Hey you have one or three and I have one or three why don't we cement this and have one together"... It's like using cement glue to stick together quicksand.. If it's done to 'create' a family unit it never, and I mean never works.. If it's done as a natural progression then it is always a lovely addition but there will always be a slight energetic shift in how we treat and love yours, mine and ours... I am talking from experience.. We don't mean for it to happen, it just does and even when we recognise and break the cycle and chose equal rights and treatments for all child units involved in these mixed family scenarios, it does on occasion sneak back in and the issue has to be readdressed again and again and again and well you get me.. You can feel like your on a treadmill at times and it is on a steep incline..

 I really do know what I'm talking about, I have lived this first hand and as much as it wears me out I also would not have it any other way.. I have a mixed bag, my kids are like a lucky dip, they aren't all mine and I never know what I am going to get.. It is seriously hard work but I love my kids even the ones that are not 'of' me.. SP's are also blessed everyday, with the ability to know the love of a child that they didn't not create, of having chubby and even grown arms go around our necks, emotion filled "I Love You's", the sleeping faces and the tuck in's, the laughing crazy moments filled with joy and happiness and even the moments when the SC who has left the building due to seperation walks through the door throws themselves on the couch in complete knowing that they are welcome because it is and always will be 'home' and says "I walked over here because I felt like it and I wanted to see you", and then promptly ignores you like all parent/child relationships.. It's that moment there that makes you realise not only did you get it right but I really was all worth it..

I don't know if it's a step up or out but if you take that step, that leap of faith, you will be rewarded in the most beautiful of ways.. With love.

Mama, Madly xox