Gossipy gossipers and the darkness within....

It's been brought to my attention that I have many a story floating around the grapevines about me at the moment due to my current single life and how I am conducting myself.. I'd like to set the record straight, not for any real need to justify who I am but more for all the sad pathetic people out there who presume to know what I'm all about and have nothing more exciting to do with their time.. May they be humble enough to recognise a good starting point for change.. 

Whether people realise this or not I am an extremely private person, I only let you know what I want you to know, unless you are invited into my inner sanctum where very few precious people reside you actually know nothing about me, just as I like it. Those who are invited in, treat it like gold as it should be, and as I treat them in return. Do not assume to ever know what goes into making up me or how or why I live my life... Do not ever presume to know anyone.

I have finally after nearly a decade, found the courage to walk away from an extremely emotionally abusive relationship.. Where every movement, emotion, action, reaction and behaviour was controlled by threat, and even though it actually wasn't, it was..

Am I a truly happy person? Yes, that's the one thing I will continue to share with everyone, inner and outer circles.. I do wake up every morning thankful for the life that I have, even when I was with my ex I was thankful for life, because my son who held onto life so tenaciously, taught me that life is valuable and worthy and survival is the most important thing.. Eventually without you realising it, the dawn will come and the sun will rise and it will be a new day and everything could have changed without you even noticing..

To all the talkers and the judges and the gossipers, to the people who think they know me please check yourself, you know nothing about me.. In fact let this be a lesson because the reality is you don't really ever know anyone, you see what people chose for you to see and sometimes what you do see it is so clouded by your own judgement that you do not actually have a feel for anything remotely close to the actuality of a person or their entire existence..

Have I moved on too quickly? Too quickly for your liking?? Is it your business? It is?? Well how about this just to juice it up for you, to really prove you have absolutely no idea what your petty minds have created, here is something really real that most of you do not know... I moved on in my heart over 8yrs ago, the first time I was smacked in the face. Yes, the first time..  The first time his condition made him lash out because he couldn't sensoraly cope and that is how his coping manifested itself... A part of me almost died a long time ago, laying dormant, spirit crushed, soul destroyed, heart broken. Awaiting the spring, a time to awaken and take back the light that always shone in the centre of who I am.. To finally be able to twirl with joy in the sheer simplistic beauty of being alive.. It's just taken me a long time to pick myself up and rebuild and trust the universe and the few amazing fortunate people I love with my heart and soul whom I allow into my private world.. There is an *NB below this blog explaining Aspergers and ODD which is what my ex partner suffers from..

I spent so many years excusing my life and hiding the truth, the shame unbearable because people are revolting and judge before ever knowing the reality.. Finding it hard to explain that even in those awful moments there was also moments of love and happiness.. Happy children never being exposed to the severity of it but knowing something wasn't quite right.. That the bad moments got less and less over the years, as he learnt to control his condition, and I always mindful as much as it felt it, it wasn't personal, not that it made it any less horrible, and when it was good it was wonderful and when it was bad it was hell on earth.. The need to escape never leaving.. The fear of leaving always there, making sure no sudden movements were made.. Just stuck and alone..

If you feel ashamed right now because you know you've been that judgemental person to anyone, use it, turn that guilt around and use it to better yourself and be mindful everyday that your thoughts can either poison the energy or build someone up who really needs you to be their champion at that time, even if you don't realise it.. People, men and women alike, are stuck in these situations all the time, and sometimes just need a kind word.. Don't judge me, I would never, ever, judge you.. Don't judge anyone else either..

Have I moved on? Am I socially active? With a wonderful life and group of friends?? Do I smile and laugh everyday? Is every single day like looking at a magnificent sunrise for the first time?? Is the promise of new love and nurturing calling to me? Of course it is.. I'm a human being, I'm a woman, and at the age of 37 I finally am in a space to know I deserve happiness, so much happiness, and I have so much to give.. I am no longer being held in stasis by the judgements of those who do not know me and have never ever walked a day in my shoes let alone can understand even on an intellectual let alone emotional level the path I have travelled.. I have an appreciation for life and living most people will never be able to understand, to actually fathom it on the levels that I even just feel it.. I have a zest for life that I refuse to hide for anyone.. It permeates all that I am..

I am a courageous warrior, a fighter, a survivor, and I take pride in where I finally am...

We only have one life, I'm living it.. If you're invited into mine instead of judging, cherish the opportunity.. Cherish every invite you receive into anyones life and heart.. I'm like a stained glassed window, it's taken a lot of colours and shapes to get to my bigger picture, to get where I am, but when the sun hits I will shine beautiful on you because that's me..

Peace..

Mama, Madly xox


**NB: Just before anyone passes any more  judgement on my ex partner of which I know most will, he does suffer from Aspergers Syndrome.. And he is ODD which is Oppositional Defiance Disorder, which means he is incapable of having reactions like normal people.. Both disorders are of the Autism family, and both make the sufferer not only reactive but also particular and unable to function within the normal thought patterns most of us are capable of.. They get overloaded senses and have what is called sensory overload which in fact can cause them physical pain.. Even just repetitive noises can do this.. My ex's and my son is also an Aspie/ODD sufferer and also has these meltdowns.. They may sound like acts of violence but facts are, and ask any psychologist, they are reactions that just manifest on a physical level.. My ex ,whilst appearing aggressive and a horrible man is in fact a good man who just suffers from a horrible neurological disorder.. And is in emotional agony consistently about his own behaviour but does not have the capabilities to control it, yet he is trying and changing daily.. Also in saying that it does not mean I have to put up with it, nor does it excuse it.. I could no longer live with it, which he actually agree's with me, doesn't make the choices easier but definitely doesn't make me want to stay and try either..

Strengths and weaknesses...

I had a friend say to me recently "you are the strongest most independent woman I have ever met, I only wish I had half your backbone, and I could do it on my own half as well as you"....

I came home, sat on the floor of my shower, and cried.. I sit in my shower a lot and cry, it's the only place I can do it alone.. Where no one can see me..

What I've come to realise that even in moments of weakness there are those of us out there that persevere, those of us who continuously put up a front, never show what's underneath because as far as I have always known being strong is what gets you through.. If I give in to what I feel sometimes in the pit of my heart or the depths of my soul I don't know that I could arise everyday with the strength to put one foot in front of the other..

Sadly for those of us who have been strong for so long, we find lowering our defences to the softer ones hard.. Soft people find our strength cold and jagged and precariously unappealing, if only they could see the burn inside.. We find opening up brings us to a state of vulnerability that makes us fear, if someone actually peered inside us, its a world that's so tightly bound it might unravel and what would we do then!? How would we survive!? Especially If we opened up and invited someone in, allowed them to see the reality of who we really are, and then they left.. How would we be able to shut it all back down after it's been held and loved and decoded and then abandoned..

I'm just like any other girl out there, my heart is big and full and beats true to the rhythm of my soul.. I want love and affection and feel a need to be enveloped by someone who wants to be the one to explore that with me.. It's just learning how.. How to open, and to trust, to be vulnerable and show need of another..  Just like every other girl I know, I want romance, I want devastatingly passionate love that sweeps me away into another place, with someone I can depend on to sometimes be strong enough for both of us, and other times allow me to be their strength when they are feeling weak and need protection from the outside world..

I don't know if it's my age or just a rite of passage, but I yearn for deep unabiding, unapologetic real love.. I want my partners arms to be the safe place that I can fall, when the world is too much and I need comfort and sweetness and light.. I know how to attract it, I just don't know how to trust & keep it yet, but it's a path I've finally stepped on, and I'm hoping the fates are kind.. I hope I stop saying "I am ok" and "I am fine" and "it's all good, I'm easy", because I'm not, not always.. I am real, I am a woman, I have a heart that's bursting with love to share and yet I consistently push people away with thoughtless words or unforgiving backbone, I have hurt others feelings, and have had mine hurt in return because sometimes it is what is left unsaid that breaks a heart more than what could ever be said.. I also know on more than one occasion that people have felt they cannot provide me with anything because supposedly I have my proverbial shit sorted, which I so don't.. 

I am so sick and tired of being told by everyone that "You will be fine" and "You'll kick it's arse".. You know what!? I want someone who will kick its arse for me!! I don't want to slay dragons anymore, I want someone who will slay dragons for me, because of me and on occasion with me.. I can do it, and I will and I would for the one I love but it would be nice to know If I cant and If I fail I have a strong hand on the small of my back to support me.. I do have space for softness, I just don't let many see that side of me, because recovering from being hurt can take longer than the moment or the second it took to create the hurt in the first place.. I have space at my table, there is room for people there to bring forth that which they can offer, hell I'm all about a good feast of life and love and laughs..

I don't know where this new epiphany or journey will take me, but realising today finally that sometimes my strength is my biggest weakness may finally allow me to step into all that I am and not feel, even when I am feeling weak, that it's not enough..

Maybe it's just realising that just me is enough..

Love love..

Mama,Madly xox