Yes Man, that's exactly the point......

**Before you begin, be warned, this blog is long, and very personal, and very raw.. But it is something I believe truly needs and should be spoken about.. enough of the stigma..**

I have a son, I have two actually, but the one I want to speak about is my eldest... He is 16yrs old and has struggled through an amazingly hard stretch of his life in the last 6mths.. The teen years are a hard slog for anyone, believe me I know.. I remember..

Not yet an adult but no longer a child, emotions that wash over you like tidal waves. Changes in concepts & attributes be they mind, body or soul. The comings and goings of friendships and loves however fleeting, marking their space on your heart with scars that will not heal for years and leave you hurting for what feels like will be an eternity.. Being a teenager hurts..

Being a teenager with depression hurts more.. This I also know because one such teen is mine, my own mini me, and I watch over him like a lion watches over her cubs she has sent out on their first hunt alone, knowing I cannot do more than I have on this journey.. His journey.. I know, having been the lucky recipient of varied degree's of depressive states many times over my years, that this dark hole is his to unfold, to maybe unravel, for himself to help himself climb out of..

Do not get me wrong, he does not flounder alone. I am his mother. His champion. His most valiant warrior and I will fight for this boy forever and a day.. It's been a rough few months, for him and me.. Running dialogue is hard at the best of times between parent and child, let alone mother and son, let alone from a teen son, let alone from a male.. And this point is what pains me most.. If the commentary was open and available, then so many issues may have been resolved before we hit this point, this very low point when at that age you are already questioning everything about everything..

He struggled at school, too young to know where he wanted to be as an adult, the pressure so much for these kids so young. He struggled with his much beloved but semi absent Father deciding to take residence back up in his life after being AWOL on the parenting front for so long, this new intermittent energy exchange only brought the hurt up more.. He struggled with finding his feet with his peers, creating new friends and finding a good social circle..
He struggled in his relationships, the last one seemingly perfect in their 'love' for each other until well and truly after the fact I find that his hysterical breakdowns and acts of violence towards poor unsuspecting trees (that allowed him his release of pain without question) was because his perfect girlfriend would get perfectly drunk at parties and kiss other boys. So in fact, truly not perfect. Not at all. Not in the slightest.. and yet he said nothing in an act of protection toward her, when he was the one being injured..
He struggled in his relationship with  myself because seeing and misunderstanding his behaviour, being told many untruths, after finding out about his very minor dabbling in drugs decided his behaviour must be borne of a more serious addiction that I did not know the truth about and teenage rebellion. Feeling the battle almost lost, I came down harder on him than I ever had before. And all the while it was his heart&mind in pain and not as I had been lead to believe his bad choices..

If only we had talked. Really talked. It was not for want of trying but even in this day of supposed connected emotional health, we still live in an age where our world equates masculinity with stoic steadfastness, and pain is endured in an outward show of manly brawn, my son who I always believed was open to emotion and vulnerability could not talk to me because it didn't 'feel' right that he should do so. Heartbreaking isn't it....

I have to say one of the most healing things has been him talking, and recognising that it is in fact exactly what he needed to do.. He, with an unconquerable spirit has risen up to the occasion, passing school, breaking his own heart and walking away from someone he loved, extricating himself from friendships that do not serve him, finding employment and making an effort with family in a connective way he hasn't done for a very long while..

The last issue he had to sort, was his football.. Something that we had to deal with, the outcome of it all this morning, something that happened there that enraged me so much I swore and ranted and paced and now I am blogging about it..

My son 9wks ago was benched because he hit someone on the field.. Suspended from play because of the brutality.. It was only a 6wk suspension but with three bye's, he has not played for 9wks.. Now don't get me wrong, I do not believe in violence let alone acts of violence out of retribution but my son already being in a bad space was reactive and the outcome from that was him head-butting another player who got into his face, and said really bad things about him.. Did I mention my son is star? he's a brilliant footy player with enough talent to have a long career and as such is a consistently harassed and singled out on the field by the opposing side.. He is fast, and skilful, can kick or handball straight on the mark and plows down the field like a bulldozer, he is constantly 'manned' up & goaded toward making a mistake.. This happens to two other lads on the team also and its awful to watch but with talent, there comes opposing strategy..

Anyway, the crux of this story is he did wrong, he paid, I make no excuses, and in his time off he has been working on himself, his body and an injury that has plagued him for years, his life and his schooling.. It was divine intervention the day he was ripped off the field to be given 'time-out', it was time out he needed.. And whilst he is not "better" by a long shot he has sorted himself to the point of having a meeting today to discuss his returning to his team, his tribe, his peers of many years where he is desperate to be, and be a part of once again.. We spoke to his coach, opened up, told the truth, when he was being questioned about his commitment to the team, as his commitment had been failing him for months, not just in footy but all aspects of his life, and his coach wanted reassurance he wasn't returning to let the side down again.

My son, being brave and wise beyond his years was not opposed to his coach knowing his struggles. Knowing that he had been sorting all aspects of his life to get back to a point where he could be focused and committed.. My son was vulnerable and open to this man, his coach, his mentor, and what did his coach do!? flippantly brushed off what my son said, telling him it was not the point, and had nothing to do with the situation at hand... In essence and not as articulate as I, his coach asked him if he was going to suck it up, man up, and do what needs to be done for his team.. To be strong!!... Um, Well yes MAN, that is entirely his point, in opening up to you, in his admissions of struggle and depression, he was in fact showing strength beyond his years..

Did I interject? well yes of course I did, it's who I am but what I didn't say was this..........
"When did it become commonplace for men to disregard other men? and how other men feel??.. When did Men in positions of mentoring power become so apathetic in their dealing with these young men, who are being brave and trying to connect with themselves and others, normally in an act of honesty about their emotions.. and how did this man not recognise or care to acknowledge that my son's downward spiral had come from more than just teenage arrogance or indifference, It was an illness that was being sorted and worked through... Why can men not recognise the amazing power they hold when conversing and interacting with these kids, that they are helping shape who they are, how they behave, and what kind of man they will end up becoming..

Be they men or not, child or adult, girl or boy, anyone standing in their vulnerability and owning an illness like depression should never ever be glibly fobbed off... Men, and not all, because I know some amazing men who are open to a fault, but a lot of men still, to this day, treat depression as a weakness, and I believe in the admission of dealing with such an illness you are in fact stronger in spirit than the ignorant will ever be... I didn't say this to my son's coach, but I did say it to him.. So he could see that the problem was not in fact with him but the other party entirely and when he looks in the mirror tonight he should be proud of the man looking back at him.. The man who has climbed out of his own dark cave, has owned his own truth and still does what needs to be done..

We always want to be our children's true north, but sometimes it's better to be their north star, shining light down to help guide their way as they find their own feet and own path

Maybe home isn't so much where your heart is, but home IS your heart..
Mama, Madly...xx

A place to call home, I mean alone...

Do you have a spot? A space? You know where you give the universal two handed "T" sign that everyone knows means TIME OUT!!!!

I do. Have a place that is. It's small, but its warm and its very much alone. I'm meant to be naked when I'm using it so sometimes sitting fully clad in here feels almost naughty but I do it. I do, do it, all the time.

In fact I'm writing this blog in here now.. It's my en suite, I'm sitting on the toilet with the lid down, the heat lamps on, Sinead O'Connor's - The Lion and the Cobra is beating out of my phone into the palms of my hands whilst I type and the quiet takes me to a Blaise place I rarely get to go anymore..

You know that internal place, of peace and stillness and just being, that is easy & full of a level of consciousness of oneself it's almost an unconscious state..

  

I need alone time, it's a given, completely unquestioned, and generally on a daily level if only for a minute. If I've hit the point where I lock myself away then those surrounding me know its best to leave me to my own devices, I'll disconnect so I can reconnect and it will be fine.. I am left alone, and not spoken to, and I like it. I like being with people without the need to speak. It's my favourite kind of silence.. The kind where we don't feel like we need to fill the void, as if in silence there is lack, because there is not. Silence can say so much.. My loud demeanour can be very quiet, sometimes, frequently, I just need somewhere to sit, to be, all alone with quiet and space enough in my surrounding energy so I can just be with myself and reconnect.. To all that is me.. Where external life cannot be heard, and everything just 'goes away'..

Do you ever feel like you are being pulled in so many directions you could be ripped in half? Life and parenting and professionalism always seem to do that.. I think we all believe its called growing up, but I'm realizing more and more its called disconnecting, with self.. We stop being US so much that we become everything we are not. Sometimes I am still youthful of spirit, and 26!! not the reality of 10yrs older and feeling like I'm 10 older on top of that.. Sometimes I'm lots of things and its all ok.. I'm the angry warrior, the beguiled artist, the overwhelmed mother, the intrigued teen, the naughty child.. We all are, but we forget and sometimes we need to remember.. Because if we are not who we are then why do we bother..

I'd like to be an architect, build houses, homes. I'd put a smallish room in every single house, with a skylight, heating, cooling, seating, wifi, music, books or no books whatever people want, and then I'd soundproof it all.. Like a panic room with all the ease of tranquility.. A time out room, in the best possible sense of the word, so that by reconnecting with themselves, everyone could reconnect with each other because whatever life is, it should be connected.. 

Anyway, I'm off, I feel better, this made me feel better.. I love my "al-own" time!!