It's funny sometimes how perception can colour even the smallest of statements..
I recently went through a hard time with one of my kids, being special needs it is nothing new to me but it was scary in the moment and I felt like my heart was being clenched by an invisible force, with no control once again over the outcome..
I was conversing about it with a girlfriend when I said to her as a closing statement "It is what it is" and she said, knowing me so well, 'I know it's not and I love you'.. In that moment it made me stop and take stock of not only my words but how people perceive them and thus react..
I have spent the better part of ten years repeating this statement when the conversation hit a point where I can no longer delve into the dynamics of our situation, when questions with no answers are asked, when the depth of emotion feels too deep to dive into and drowning is imminent, so I surface and pull myself out of the pool.. I am just so very tired.. This is self preservation and "It is what it is" has become my salvation.
I have come to realise this statement alone imbues a sense of relief to those asking, and halts any further questions because it is what it is flattens the surface and says "Really it is nothing, it is ok, I am fine"..
The fact is when a person states "it is what it is" it is not because there is no depth but more that they have come to a state of grace and acceptance over circumstances of which they have no control. Be it children, life, love, health, work or finances, when someone states "it is what it is" just recognise they are drowning and keeping their head above the water without being weighed down by the excess is something they literally cannot do if they open that Pandora's box.
Strong people, survivors, warriors, the best people hit with the hardest of times can be heard across the universe saying these five little words, and yet I need you to know that even though they feel peaceful and sure and it comes across as a fairly empty nothing statement, it is infact loaded with volumes. Volumes of pain and suffering and heartbreak, loaded with weight that people who have never experienced these circumstances will never understand and hopefully will not by the graces of the powers that be.. We say them as barriers to cushion the blows, we say them in gratitude that you really do not understand how deep the chasm runs, we say them to keep the wounds closed. We say them to keep our ability to rise everyday, put our two feet on the floor and do what needs to be done without breaking apart at the seams, we say them just to keep living..
I have spent so many hours alone, sleepless at night, crying in the shower, anxiety attacks in the car at the side of the road just trying to hold it together because if I don't I know I will unravel.. So when I, or someone like me says to you "it is what it is" please know that it does not come from a place of nonchalance or lack or nothing.. We do care, sometimes too much.. It comes from a space of everything, all at once in the deepest of ways.. and all we need is your knowing and your presence, because words can only ever skim the surface and your love means so much more than you will ever know.. Just sit with us in it and maybe hold our hand.. Presence means so very much. Just show up.
It really is just what it is, but always really so much more.........
Peace out
Mama, madly xo
