The last laugh...

When I was a teenager I remember my first encounter with Maya Angelou.. She is an amazing writer and "I know why the caged bird sings" spoke volumes to my soul, about repression and the inner workings of the human heart. Not just because she was black or a woman but because she was a person who has been pushed and squished and beaten down, she was not allowed to be who she really was, she was not appreciated and never allowed to shine. She was like most of us. Invisible to those who did not look beyond the surface.

Last night my 10yr old son came to me and told me how the new catchphrase at school to really insult someone is spreading like wildfire. The "R" word according to him is being thrown around like confetti bringing joy to those who use it and a big old mess for the ones it hits and those of us left to clean up the aftermath. He was telling me how every person deemed unworthy by others is currently a "Retard" and how he himself has been called this word. This word that children spray out as insult and that unimaginative adults use daily to describe people or behaviours and think that it is funny. The "R" word, a throw back to when the world was unforgiving of differences and intolerant of anything or anyone who stepped outside the confines of socially acceptable norms.

As my son told me this, whilst he lay on my lap and I stroked his hair and listened to him, how this current trend lays heavy in his heart and he wonders if they are only calling him that, tears welled in my eyes and slowly fell down my cheeks. You see my son is a super hero, he is a survivor, he is unique and amazing and so far from normal its not funny. And I am glad. If he was normal then maybe today he wouldn't be here and I would not have this story to tell. My son survived 20+ strokes and epilepsy and brain damage and he walks and talks and attends mainstream school. Sure, his hand and body doesn't work 100% properly from his Cerebral Palsy and on occasion concepts float above his head that "normal" 10yr old's should understand but he is here when they said he wouldn't be and no other child has ever survived what he has been through. They judge him for not being normal and all I see is the sheer strength of will, the backbone, determination, tenacity and the miracle.

I tried to explain to him, let's call him Superhero, how most people will live their lives in mediocrity because of fear of what others think. Doing nothing and becoming noone, incase people judge their actions and choices. Using words like retard to make others feel bad because in fact something is broken inside of them and they feel badly about themselves. They fear being judged but do so themselves daily.

I explained to Superhero how even at the age of 40 I was ridiculed and shamed and bullied recently by mean spirited women who have many faults of their own and such mediocre unhappy lives, that they obviously have to build themselves up by tearing other women down, no sisterhood here. How they justify their own lack of worth by piling up victims with their hatred and bile so they can stand up high on their "victories".. I explained to him how victory to some is all they need to feel good about themselves when really their victories are loss, because they do not live a free life, they have no happiness in their soul, their bitterness will eat them away.

It dawned on me these are the parents of miniature human beings who are learning how to be big human beings and live in a world of diversity and change. Live in a world that should embrace difference and stepping outside the box as bravery and heroism. These children are being shaped and moulded by parents who would throw each other under the bus to get a societal leg up on the popularity ladder.
As we talked and I stroked his hair more silent tears fell at the injustices of human behaviour and people's need to feed on others to fill themselves up.

I am a cups half full person because I truly believe what you give out you will get back. Trust me my life has been to Shitsville more times than I can count and I have and do know struggle, but whilst others bitch and moan and drown in whatever life throws at them I choose not to. I just get on with it, with a smile, and good things come to me all the time even if it's not perfect. This has set me up for petty judgements, jealousies and pure meangirl vitriol, I think because I can still smile even when others wouldn't. The fact is I continue dancing to the beat of my own drum and my life is good.

I explained to Superhero how the joke was really on them because deep down inside they are dark and miserable and have no joy. How true wealth is about what you see and feel and experience, how what you bring to the table can not only feed you but also others, and how when you give out kindness and joy your heart will refill with it so in reality you can never lose at life..

Did a part of me want to tell him, this Superhero, how those kids are arseholes and they probably have miserable lives with even more miserable parents, did I want to drop the C-bomb and slap all of them across the head because I honestly just do not understand the lack of empathy and humanity that is glaringly not present here, of course I did. So much. But we teach our children how to human and so I taught him about respect, of himself and others and how the travesty of a fear filled life can create emotional vampires.

I taught my 10yr old Superhero, who has more worth in his little finger than most people have in their entire lives, how rising above them altogether with a smile will feed his own soul and attract more of the same. I explained to him that people like that are unworthy of his time or energy yet still worthy of compassion without buying into it, and sadly I also explained that just like I went through, sometimes these children stay like this throughout adulthood and the best revenge is to really live, without worrying what anybody else really thinks of you. I taught him bullies are just jealous and only win when they manage to suck the energy out of you that you would otherwise use to give joy to yourself and others. They only want you to be as miserable as they are, so do not let them win.

To anyone different who is comfortable in their own skin, who doesn't need to stand on others to lift themselves up and spreads joy to all, you keep on rocking it, this life thing.. because superheroes come in all shapes, sizes and forms and god knows this world needs you.

Why does the caged bird sing? Because it has a song. And what is the difference between having a song or no song at all whether you are in a cage or not? Freedom, and in that freedom is the most astounding beauty you will even encounter even if you can't see it with the naked eye. That my friends is truly living so trust me when I say that in that freedom anď joy given and recieved you really will have the last laugh.

Peace out lovers..

Mama, madly xo

It is what it is.....

It's funny sometimes how perception can colour even the smallest of statements..

I recently went through a hard time with one of my kids, being special needs it is nothing new to me but it was scary in the moment and I felt like my heart was being clenched by an invisible force, with no control once again over the outcome..

I  was conversing about it with a girlfriend when I said to her as a closing statement "It is what it is" and she said, knowing me so well, 'I know it's not and I love you'.. In that moment it made me stop and take stock of not only my words but how people perceive them and thus react..

I have spent the better part of ten years repeating this statement when the conversation hit a point where I can no longer delve into the dynamics of our situation, when questions with no answers are asked, when the depth of emotion feels too deep to dive into and drowning is imminent, so I surface and pull myself out of the pool.. I am just so very tired.. This is self preservation and "It is what it is" has become my salvation.

I have come to realise this statement alone imbues a sense of relief to those asking, and halts any further questions because it is what it is flattens the surface and says "Really it is nothing, it is ok, I am fine"..

The fact is when a person states "it is what it is" it is not because there is no depth but more that they have come to a state of grace and acceptance over circumstances of which they have no control. Be it children, life, love, health, work or finances, when someone states "it is what it is" just recognise they are drowning and keeping their head above the water without being weighed down by the excess is something they literally cannot do if they open that Pandora's box.

Strong people, survivors, warriors, the best people hit with the hardest of times can be heard across the universe saying these five little words, and yet I need you to know that even though they feel peaceful and sure and it comes across as a fairly empty nothing statement, it is infact loaded with volumes. Volumes of pain and suffering and heartbreak, loaded with weight that people who have never experienced these circumstances will never understand and hopefully will not by the graces of the powers that be.. We say them as barriers to cushion the blows, we say them in gratitude that you really do not understand how deep the chasm runs, we say them to keep the wounds closed. We say them to keep our ability to rise everyday, put our two feet on the floor and do what needs to be done without breaking apart at the seams, we say them just to keep living..

I have spent so many hours alone, sleepless at night, crying in the shower, anxiety attacks in the car at the side of the road just trying to hold it together because if I don't I know I will unravel.. So when I, or someone like me says to you "it is what it is" please know that it does not come from a place of nonchalance or lack or nothing.. We do care, sometimes too much.. It comes from a space of everything, all at once in the deepest of ways.. and all we need is your knowing and your presence, because words can only ever skim the surface and your love means so much more than you will ever know.. Just sit with us in it and maybe hold our hand.. Presence means so very much. Just show up.

It really is just what it is, but always really so much more.........
 

Peace out

Mama, madly xo