I have spent the last few months in a whirlwind of superfluous thought, ever changing, an evolution of who I am becoming.. One minute I am grounded and steady the next I am throwing my thought processes out the window and starting afresh..
It's been an interesting time in this lead up to my 40th birthday and whilst it has had moments and degrees of difficulty I'd have preferred to not have experienced, on the whole it has been transformative and powerful. It has also been at the core so simple..
I have ridden a rollercoaster of self doubt for years, be it on a personal level and unreal self expectation or from feelings of doubt and inadequacy as I got older. Wondering if everyone around me got 'it', that 'it' that everyone else seems to get that opens the door to self fulfillment, and I unfortunately missed the memo. Or, I have wondered, are we truly all on a quest to work 'it' out, even though 'it' is indefinable to even the most intelligent beings I know..
I walked into my bathroom and caught myself sideways, I had messy hair and baby belly (from well over 10yrs ago) and heading towards 40 arse and I immediately started the age old internal war talk with myself.. "Get it together Lady, go to gym, atleast walk the dog, how can you gym with the kids and work and school and life thing, sort that out asap, look at your hair, omg my mirror is dirty, hmm I haven't cleaned my bathroom for atleast a week (ahem*two*), shit you forgot to pay for the kids excursion, I can't believe you chose curry for dinner the kids will bitch and moan for hours, did you hang out that washing from two days ago, you really should enrol in that course you need to expand your career horizons........."....
This diatribe continued until I caught my own eyes. My god I looked tired. And with that, weariness overtook me and I sat down...
When did this happen? This consistent barrage and self flagelating emotional verbal harm I impose on myself pretty much every hour of every day of my waking life!? When did I get so mean. To me?
I sat there is my 'dirty' clean bathroom for ages pondering myself and my life and I realised, all this amazing internal work I have been doing on myself for months, to be a better me has brought me to a really great point but could have been reached easier and faster If I had done just one thing right at the start of my journey. If I had just given myself a break and realised 'it' was an unobtainable myth and that just doing my best and being myself was always what 'it' has always been about.
We can be so unkind to ourselves, raising expectations and standards to some level that we somewhere along the way created for ourselves believing these 'life' points that we need to reach are akin to adult brownie points that we are given by someone who doesnt exist who has created rules that aren't real about things that dont matter..
I may not own my own house or have perky boobs or have my proverbial shit sorted when it comes to dishes, financial planning, having any type of patience with idiots, knowing what I want to be when I grow up, how to parent kindly somedays, mastering the art of not speaking before thinking, getting drunk on weeknights, being on time, wearing jeans until they are so dirty they throw themselves in the washer and crying because its bather season again and I forgot to go to gym all year, but I do have a grateful heart, pretty good kids, I live very well, I always try to come from kindness, a body that is healthy and pretty much alive, awesome dance moves and a smile that can make others smile too..
I'm fairly sure that when I say, I like my life and where I'm at and where I'm going and those that are accompanying my journey that is what 'it' is all about..
It may have been in a bathroom, and the mirror may have reflected my ugly crying face but the day I stopped mean talking and bullying myself to be 'better' and realised just how good 'it' all is in my world is the day life embraced me and said gleefully "Finally, I have been waiting so long for you to see me, I have so much more to show you and now you are awake you can finally join in out here instead of living your life in knots in there"...
It's such an illusion and finally the light is on and this Lady is embracing her moments, be they good or bad, atleast I'm awake to them.. I suggest you do the same, I'm thinking your 'it' is fairly awesome too..
Mama, Madly xo
