The day I woke up...

I have spent the last few months in a whirlwind of superfluous thought, ever changing, an evolution of who I am becoming.. One minute I am grounded and steady the next I am throwing my thought processes out the window and starting afresh..

It's been an interesting time in this lead up to my 40th birthday and whilst it has had moments and degrees of difficulty I'd have preferred to not have experienced, on the whole it has been transformative and powerful. It has also been at the core so simple..

I have ridden a rollercoaster of self doubt for years, be it on a personal level and unreal self expectation or from feelings of doubt and inadequacy as I got older. Wondering if everyone around me got 'it', that 'it' that everyone else seems to get that opens the door to self fulfillment, and I unfortunately missed the memo. Or, I have wondered, are we truly all on a quest to work 'it' out, even though 'it' is indefinable to even the most intelligent beings I know..

I walked into my bathroom and caught myself sideways, I had messy hair and baby belly (from well over 10yrs ago) and heading towards 40 arse and I immediately started the age old internal war talk with myself.. "Get it together Lady, go to gym, atleast walk the dog, how can you gym with the kids and work and school and life thing, sort that out asap, look at your hair, omg my mirror is dirty, hmm I haven't cleaned my bathroom for atleast a week (ahem*two*), shit you forgot to pay for the kids excursion, I can't believe you chose curry for dinner the kids will bitch and moan for hours, did you hang out that washing from two days ago, you really should enrol in that course you need to expand your career horizons........."....
This diatribe continued until I caught my own eyes. My god I looked tired. And with that, weariness overtook me and I sat down...

When did this happen? This consistent barrage and self flagelating emotional verbal harm I impose on myself pretty much every hour of every day of my waking life!? When did I get so mean. To me?

I sat there is my 'dirty' clean bathroom for ages pondering myself and my life and I realised, all this amazing internal work I have been doing on myself for months, to be a better me has brought me to a really great point but could have been reached easier and faster If I had done just one thing right at the start of my journey. If I had just given myself a break and realised 'it' was an  unobtainable myth and that just doing my best and being myself was always what 'it' has always been about.

We can be so unkind to ourselves, raising expectations and standards to some level that we somewhere along the way created for ourselves believing these 'life' points that we need to reach are akin to adult brownie points that we are given by someone who doesnt exist who has created rules that aren't real about things that dont matter..

I may not own my own house or have perky boobs or have my proverbial shit sorted when it comes to dishes, financial planning, having any type of patience with idiots, knowing what I want to be when I grow up, how to parent kindly somedays, mastering the art of not speaking before thinking, getting drunk on weeknights, being on time, wearing jeans until they are so dirty they throw themselves in the washer and crying because its bather season again and I forgot to go to gym all year, but I do have a grateful heart, pretty good kids, I live very well, I always try to come from kindness, a body that is healthy and pretty much alive, awesome dance moves and a smile that can make others smile too..

I'm fairly sure that when I say, I like my life and where I'm at and where I'm going and those that are accompanying my journey that is what 'it' is all about..

It may have been in a bathroom, and the mirror may have reflected my ugly crying face but the day I stopped mean talking and bullying myself to be 'better' and realised just how good 'it' all is in my world is the day life embraced me and said gleefully "Finally, I have been waiting so long for you to see me, I have so much more to show you and now you are awake you can finally join in out here instead of living your life in knots in there"...

It's such an illusion and finally the light is on and this Lady is embracing her moments, be they good or bad, atleast I'm awake to them.. I suggest you do the same, I'm thinking your 'it' is fairly awesome too..

Mama, Madly xo

An open letter to The Man.....

Sometimes we make big things out of little thing and vice versa but they always in turn show us the reality of us, who we are, what we want and what we need.. Sometimes the smallest things give us the biggest lessons. This is an open letter to The Man, the one's of the past the one's of the future, this is just what it is............

I do not need excuses.
I need a man.
I need a man who is in line with me being a woman.
I need a man who will step into the fire with me.
Who meets me halfway.
I need consistency.
I need commitment.
I need honesty.
I need trustworthiness.
I need integrity.
I don't just need them I want them.

I want someone who values me as a whole.
Who understands when I put my heart in their hands it is something to be cherished and valued.
I need someone who is invested in me,
As I am invested in them
And treats that as a sacred space.

A man who is not in contact with the women he was sleeping with before me, let alone other ladies that may become new paths to wander down. He does not keep those doors open.
Not a man who has their interests invested in so many different areas that they are spread thin and scattered. He recognises that in keeping lines of communication open to other old loves and new possibilities means he doesn't have to commit fully to the present and to me, that this is not acceptable and a betrayal of trust that can be hard to ever mend, he sees the disrespect and hurt that it causes. So he doesn't.

I need someone who recognises I am not an option. There is no back up plan. He is not even interested in looking. We've got this. Together. I'm am a worthy investment, I am home.

I need a man who does not sit is his past and use it to excuse his life now and his behaviours, I need a man who owns his own bullshit. As do I.
I need a man who is man enough to step into his role as a King does to his Queen and does not question it. And never backs down. We have each others back. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Our loyalty never questioned.

I need a man who joins me when I say that anyone who tries to enter or re-enter my sacred space I keep for him and only him, in no uncertain terms has been told that my heart is invested with someone and I will not tolerate anyone who tries to enter that space, it is ours and ours alone.
And any woman trying to manoeuvre into our sacred space is kicked to the kerb without hesitation because he recognises the game and will not play it with my heart on the line.

I need respect.
As I would respect him.

I need that man to realise these are all very normal desires, needs and wants for a normal functioning healthy relationship and these are not unreasonable, I need him to know I in turn will offer all of that and more.

I need a connected man who wants to be my man and wants me to be his woman and does not hide me in shame, or fears he is cutting off other avenues. He owns me and our love publically because he is proud to call me his woman.

I want a man who has no doubt that I am the only road he wants to travel and build a future, a home and a life with me. Whether either of us come with empty arms and full hearts or an empire and a broken soul, we merge, we become US.

Be my best friend, my confidante, my biggest supporter.
Someone I can laugh with, talk to, be silent with, yell at, make up with, never feel like I am unheard or underestimated or ignored or unloved. Who only ever lays his hands on me in a loving or playful touch.
Someone who realises our life is the foundation to build everything else upon.

Someone I can trust with my life.

Who chooses me and it feels like freedom and not a burden.
Who knows I will hold him above all other men even when times get tough or money is tight or work is bad or kids are sick or nights get long I will love him harder and I will never walk, never leave, never abandon him as he would never do to me. I will be 80% when he can only be 20% and vice versa. I will support him without question. Even when I don't want to, as he will do for me in return.

A man who is prepared to fight and work for our relationship. One who talks to me. I need genuine. I need generosity of spirit. Who never disregards my feelings or thoughts or processes.
I need a man with endurance because if you are going to atleast try you need to be all in to really give it a red hot go.

I do not want a friend I fuck.
Someone I get only on their terms. Only when they want or desire. Who pushes me away when I get too close and sucks me in when I start to wander too far and maybe he might lose me.

I want a partner. I deserve the universe. My man deserves the universe.
We should have that together. Even if that Universe is just us, happy, living and building a world for ourselves, being the best of ourselves that we can be and totally supporting each other in that.

So to all the men knocking on my door who do not want that.
You are not and will never be the man.
I am too old to be fucking around anymore, I am too aware to allow my precious time left to be wasted, I would rather be alone than half invested. I do not want to live with regret.
I am a sorted woman, I don't actually need a man but I would like one to share my life with.
Do I expect a lot? Sure.. but it is nothing I will not give back in return.

For all the men I allowed access
The one's I've loved
I am not sorry for that.
But you are not the man.

It is heartbreaking and sad
Because you could of been the man,
I would never have allowed you in if I did not see that inside you.
So It's not that you are not the man,
It's that you chose not to be the man.
So you are not the man.

The man will meet me on the bridge, In the fire, In the middle and when one jumps the other jumps too. Sometimes a real Soulmate comes into your life to slap you awake so you can start living your best life for you. Maybe you were not the man nor I the woman but we did slap each other awake.

To all the men I have loved you are so this man you just don't believe it or trust yourself or anyone else. So I have to let go, allow you the freedom to go, to be miserable with a girl who puts up with your shit and allows you to be badly behaved and never answerable for how you treat her. A girl will do that. A woman will not. A woman wants to empower you, not hold you back.

Your girl won't want the Universe for you, she'll make you into her universe, she won't want your growth or for you to reach your potential as a man. To open up to all that you are, that the world has pushed down inside you with heartbreak and unrelenting fear and pain.
You'll be safe with her. Because you are not really invested and she will never insist on it in case she loses you in the outfalls like I have done each and every time I stand up for myself and my rights and my needs, but also trying to empower a man to step up who is too scared to fly.
Eventually it will kill you, kill your spirit, because there is no life in mediocrity and all your could have been's will rise up like bile, burning every word you speak and  haunting your long lonely nights but you'll be safe and in total control. It breaks my heart for you. But....

Me?
I'm removing myself from any love equation if you are not or cannot or are unwilling to try.
Why?
Because I deserve everything, and,

This time I choose ME.

"If a battle cannot be won do not fight it." - SunTzu -The Art of War-

Mama, Madly...................

To ride a raging sea.........

Today I feel Rage
I am enraged
I have rage
I will rage
The rage wells and ebbs and flows inside me
and today it is seeping out.

I always feel like I am on the other side, no longer affected by a decade+ long journey of being in a domestically emotionally abusive and violent relationship. That is until it rears it's ugly head and the rage comes and burns in my veins, fills my soul with these pits of fiery anger.. After being expressed it silently and surely ebbs away, with me assuming this is the last time it will show its very ugly head (until the next time).

I had a situation come up with my ex regarding our children and him allowing them to spend time with an inappropriate person amongst a few other issues in regards to actually looking after them and their health and wellbeing over this last weekend. All of a sudden this pit in my belly started to rise and turn and spark and fire up and bam, I was right back where I was 3yrs ago, looking at this man that I had once loved and had children with but on the other hand loathed with all my being, and it enraged my soul to see the behaviour had not changed and now my children were being subjected to it.

He called me ridiculous (as always), said I was jealous (as the other party was a woman) and made me actually step back and question my behaviour (always making me doubt myself), I wont even go into him physically threatening me. So I sat. In my rage, I moved through my day, I met my sister for a coffee, I shopped for my children's new school shoes, I made their lunches and I just sat with this feeling in my heart and allowed it to evolve so I could understand what was really going on.

What I came to realise is I was in Rage. At him rightly so, the situation being not acceptable, be it a man, woman or animal, my children need him to step up as a Father when he is in that role and my jealousy was actually non existent. I realised he always made me question myself. He always made me feel badly about my reactions. He always incited rage in my soul with his own behaviours but never allowed me to speak my truth.

And then I realised He did all this because I allowed it and the Rage I was feeling was really at myself.

When I met this man I was young, free, and had an entire life ahead of me
He took me and moulded me.
He beat me, he belittled me and he turned me into a shadow of myself.
And I allowed it.
He hurt me, he shamed me and he made me feel unloved and unlovable.
And I allowed it.
He took the sweetest, happiest, kindest parts of me and would cut me down until
I either stopped or would only subserviently behave the way he felt appropriate,
and on occasion I became black and bitter and acted as such, just like him,
And I allowed it.

I am in Rage
I am raging that this man is still allowed space in my life
I am enraged that I bore beautiful children to his man and his revolting soul gets to help shape who they become, and when I see parts of his bad behaviour shine through in them every part of my body screams.
I am in rage because all the soft, feminine, loving parts of me hide away in the deepest corners of my heart and although desperately need love are so scared of it I shy away from it.
I rage because when a man moves towards me I involuntarily step back, or move or tense awaiting a  hurt that will not come.
I am enraged because I was told for 10yrs that I had an ugly heart, soul, mind and body and I believed all of it. I stopped loving myself and never thought I would be loveable to anyone else.
I rage because some days I feel hard and impenetrable and alone, like a defenseless Mama bear with her two cubs facing off against a band of hunters holding guns.
And it hurts, it hurts that sometimes I feel my good, sweet, loving heart has been wasted
and maybe I will never get a chance to know the love of a good man who will not squash me into small spaces to make him feel better about his own inadequacies. 

And then, right at the very centre of this rage is unadulterated sadness, because I allowed this life to happen, to myself. Not anymore.

I embrace the rage, the raging river of emotion of who and how I have become who I am and I recognise it as growth. It is ok for me to speak my truth and walk my talk and be radiantly who I am without questioning it because of him. I am a Mama Bear protecting her cubs and that is ok. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy (his bad behaviour being an offshoot of aspergergers), and a very likeable nice guy. He is a good Dad more often than not and I appreciate his presence in the children's lives. But this time he was not and it was absolutely my right to not only question it but to demand better.

Anyone who has been in a physically or emotionally abusive or toxic relationship will know what I am talking about, please know from me to you, eventually the Rage will fade and the fire will die and a bit like how sand is made into glass from heat something beautiful will be born..

This rage is righteous and raw and real and it is me. It is positivity and growth and healing in motion.. I don't need to rage against anything just face the storm and know that it will wash everything clean