Have you ever been driving in the car or vacuuming your floor or doing up your shoes and bam something hits you so hard you forget to breath!? An epiphany of sorts.. A realisation of such depth about your own character that you have to take time to mull it over in your head. Time because it's still in that hazy space where trying to articulate it makes it feels like even more of a jumbled mess..
That was me.. Last week. Althought disordered thoughts had been building for a while they didnt fall into place until this moment. I had a realisation that literally stopped me in my tracks and made me question every single choice I've made in the last 20yrs of my life..
When I was 17yrs old I fell madly in love. Sure I'd had boyfriends before, but I'd never felt that heady rush of passionate love, the kind that runs you over like a steamroller.. Knocking the air out of your lungs and the thought out of your mind. My god, I was madly, deeply, truly, innocently, totally in love.. He was imperfectly perfect in my eyes, and my world had gone from being young and free to everything in its entirety completely beginning and ending with him.. I walked, talked, drank, ate and breathed him.. He was my everything, until one day he was not..
He left me. Not in a bad way, he just moved away, he had to. He was on a life path, a journey, and he made a choice that he needed to make that was right for him at the time, but it crushed me. To the core. I remember travelling out to my Mum's in the country at the time, I was about 18.. She lived in a tiny little shack, so guest quarters were a lavishly set up tent with a bed fit for a queen, and that is where I planted myself for 3 days, in hiding or contemplation, that was where I made my nest and I was staying.. Wrapped up in a tight little ball, not eating, not speaking, sobbing uncontrollably in a way I had never experienced before, bewildered at the pain in my broken heart and wondering how would I ever survive..
I had never had my heart broken before, not like that, and it was definitely not to my liking.. I remember on the third morning, my mother, the warrior woman she is, entered the tent with a steaming cup of hot coffee that she thrust in my face as she yanked off the covers and said "It is time".. It was dawn. A frosty crisp morning, the earth steaming and as the sun made everything sparkle whilst it rose, she made me get on the back of one of our horses and ride.. She made me ride and ride and ride, and the tears fell, and the sun rose and for hours I rode. And somewhere in there I swore to myself that I would never hurt like that again. It is amazing the pacts we make with ourselves that shape us into who we become. Pacts that we forget about but we hold onto deep inside liked buried treasure, riches they are not. The tears subsided, the nest was packed away, I caught the train home and life continued.. Back to present day...
Next month I am turning 39. I have had two almost decade long relationships and three beautiful children born from them. The other day amid mundane daily 'stuff' after months of soul searching it hit me square between the eyes. I have not actually fallen "in love" with anyone since that first heartbreak. Oh sure I have loved, very deeply, very seriously, my partners, and boyfriends in between, but at 38yrs old I have realised I have not fallen madly deeply in love like I did a lifetime ago.. And the sadness hit me like a wave.
I have been single, but dating, for 2yrs at the end of this month, and the journey has been phenomenal. I have met a lot of wannabe's, cant be's and maybe's. I have met potentials and friendzoner's and not even close's. I have thought there were times when I may have finally been able to entrust my heart in one or two with the reality of them crushing hopes and dreams in flashes and floods. I have learnt more about myself and others in the last two years than I ever thought possible and what I have finally come away knowing is this......
I have realised I am nearly 40, and although I always thought 40 was so aged, I can now see how incredibly young 40 really is and how much I have left to learn. And that's ok.
I have realised I am ready, finally, to "fall in love". Why? Because at nearly 40, I finally love myself enough to create a safe space for true unadulterated real love to come into my life.
I have realised real love is not about holding yourself back and keeping yourself safe, it is about being open and strong and knowing no matter the terrain you will survive.
I have realised real love has troughs and flows and ebbs and tides. Sometimes you even find real love is not happy. It is not always sunshine and smiles but it is always real, so you maintain it. Through the good and the bad times.
I have learnt real love cannot be real if you are not completely and utterly open to it.
I have learnt sometimes real love is walking away. Because you love yourself enough to not compromise and not just 'stay'..
And I have learnt patience, because I know in my wisdom that comes with age, real love takes time, and cannot be rushed. When we wait for the right love to come along, it will be right, and it will not shy away but meet you in the middle. It will be strong, and all knowing, and it will be balanced and equal. It will be all encompassing and supportive, and it will above all be honest. Not coerced or forced from need or want or lack or fear. It will just be. So I am happy to wait.
I do not need to fill empty spaces in my life and bed with even emptier people, false hopes and disappointments. I do not want to be someone's maybe or halftime, when I step in I want my 'love' to step in to meet me. I am not prepared to share my energy with someone who is just a stand-in until the real deal comes along. I am not prepared to repeat my mistakes or live a life of mediocrity. I can live simply and humbly and plainly, without much in the way of 'things' but real love in itself is never mediocre. So I am happy to wait.
The first cut is the deepest but if we all based our experiences on firsts then not a lot of progression would be made. Sometimes it really is better to feel the fear and do it anyway..
I never understood that saying "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" but I finally get it.. All the pain and suffering I went through after a multitude of broken hearts when I had never fully given myself over to love, did not break me. If there is going to be love lost I may as well make it worth it, make it from a total space of pure honest heartfelt real love.
Who knows, the next person I fall "in love" with may fall "in love" with me in exactly the same way and this heartbreak we speak of may never happen.. It also might, but it might not.. At nearly 40yrs old its a gamble I'm finally prepared to take. Fear limits us so much.. Too much.. We have but one life to live, why would we not take the gamble just in case..
Mama, Madly xo
