Hello, How are you!!??......

""Hello, how are you? Have you been alright?
Through all those lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely nights
That's what I'd say, I'd tell you everything
If you'd pick up that telephone, yeah yeah yeah

Hey, how you feelin'? Are you still the same?
Don't you realize the things we did, we did
Were all for real, not a dream? And I just can't believe
They've all faded out of view, yeah yeah yeah""

Ok so I just stole most of a classic song by ELO (that's Electric Light Orchestra to you young'uns or non-dags or bad music listeners) as this has been running through my head most of the day.. That was, it was, until I realised that in fact it may have been echoing in the recesses of my musical mind, but my heart just wasn't feeling it..

It's amazing how little merit we give "Time out", you know what I'm talking about, those moments where we have no responsibilities or time frames and "OPN's" i.e "other people's needs" to cater too, and we can just BE! I have just spent 24hrs people free, by myself, doing pretty much, well, nothing!!! I was totally alone but oh so NOT lonely and found that nothingness can indeed be totally and utterly fulfilling..

Oh sure, I had text messages, and Facebook and inboxes to peruse but I found as a whole I didn't.. I willingly chose to disconnect, and sometimes I think in disconnecting it's how we learn to reconnect.. Not with anything or anyone but ourselves. In a world that is jacked up, and techied up, and locked in, and locked out, and pushed on, and paid for, and primed up, and giving of, and busy with, and too "noisy" to hear ourselves think, sometimes we don't stop to just stop.

I know there is that phrase you should stop and smell the roses, but fuck that, sometimes we don't want to smell the roses, sometimes we just want to disconnect and not be, just so we can be.. Does that even make sense or am I the only one who feels this way!?? I'm so busy connecting out there >>> that I forget to connect in here, I forget what colour my own eyes are or what my own smile looks like or if any thing I'm saying is really who I am or am I just saying words for the sake of it and I forget the real essence behind what my intention is.. I feel like sometimes I forget about Me.

I have laid around and watched tv, done my nails, eaten ice-cream, from a mug(!!!) that is still to my knowledge sitting on my loungeroom side table, obviously unwashed.. I had a nap and read a book and did my hair, embraced my inner geek and sat in complete silence whilst Pinteresting stuff that I will never ever do for about 3hrs, but it gave me pleasure, and that silence was the best thing I have heard in months.. I sat in the sun, and fed my pets, and tried on summer dresses and drank copious amounts of coffee whilst naughtily smoking (which I don't really do anymore unless drunk and abetted) after wondering if a bowl of cereal is a suitable dinner food all the while ignoring the ring and ding of my phones and computer and not actually 'talking' to anyone... I have lounged and lulled and lazed my way through an entire day.. I pretty much did a whole lot of nothing, without guilt, and then almost but not quite felt guilty for my lack of it until I put my Ugg boots on, realised it was a wasted emotion and decided to write this blog instead...

Sometimes we are so eager to connect with everybody else we forget that we in fact need to connect with ourselves.. Sure it would be nice to share my quiet kid free weekends with someone, preferably not of the romantic variety, someone I can watch movies with and eat popcorn with and not actually have to talk to or actively participate in an energetic swap, who has no romantic interest and doesn't care if I look like a hideous she-beast in my hoodies and jeans with the arse ripped out.. Who never questions my love of bacon or vegemite&avocado or gingernut biscuits (separately of course, not together, I am not a Neanderthal), who is just easy and requires nothing from me, but sometimes, not always just sometimes, people are too hard or have baggage or other people or little people or agenda's and you know what? I cannot be fucked with it all..

It's not personal, I just need to recharge my batteries before the universal onslaught begins again.. So I am going to enjoy reconnecting with myself and feed my soul.. I might dance around to some loud ELO and be a dag, watch every Molly Ringwald Movie ever made without self judgement or trying to appease my guilt of flaming self hatred and shame at hours wasted not fixing the world or my washing or my vacuuming..

So I'm calling myself. Back home. To me.

Disconnecting, to reconnect. I'm sure the line will be clear when I emerge..

Mama, Madly xox