Love me, love me not..

I always read that quote about there being 3x Loves or three people we meet in our life and I always ponder, did the writer or the people that quote relates to really live in those loves so completely or did they barely live in those spaces at all.

The reason i consistently question this is because I myself have had many heartfelt connections, many times when a meeting of souls or minds happened. I have had or felt deeply about 8x loves over the last 30yrs.. And I say love, but factually they weren't all love.. they did teach me a whole lot about love though and for that I am grateful.

The first one, my first love, taught me that I could have feelings for another person outside of my tribe that were almost fathomless with the depth of them, this is the person who taught me about love, they also taught me how sometimes love can also bring pain and heartache.

The second love taught me that friendship is a large slice of the love equation, but not enough to sustain it.

The third love gave me the gift of learning about love in another human being, bringing life into this world and realising our hearts can exist outside our bodies. It taught me sometimes we can grow with someone and take different paths and love becomes not only different in want and need but it becomes Indifference also.

The fourth love taught me physicality does not equal feeling and sometimes love can pretend to be there and hold people in stasis, stuck together in habit rather than a connect because 'we should do what's right for the children' became a norm when really it was toxic and unhealthy for everyone. This love taught me you can chose your family, and you can chose your love and sometimes none of them are the same thing, and sometimes you are best off without them all no matter what we are taught in school or on the street.

The fifth love taught me sometimes we can break our own hearts when we walk away from what is right because we do not want to allow it time to unfold on its own so we believe it is wrong, it teaches us about patience and lost chances. And hope that we have learnt lessons and grown enough to never take anything like that for granted again.

The sixth love taught me that someone can give you a box of darkness, filled with their own rage and hate and violence and project that onto you until you learn the art of self worth and recognise you are the light and their shadow was never worthy of you then or holding onto any of it into the future. You learn that sometimes hate pretends to be love and fairytales are not real. Some loves do not look upon you as love, just something to stand on so they do not drown in their own filth and muck, not caring if you yourself drown. This love taught me that sometimes someone's self loathing and violence is in fact the very component on which you will build a platform from which you learn to fly.

The seventh love is the love I believed would be forever, when I had been stripped of everything and they had come in to help me rebuild, offering me the world. Offering me forever in what was bare because I had stripped it of all it was before. They offered me hope after the hopeless. This love taught me even well intentioned love cannot flourish when it is grounded in its own mire and its own past. It can if allowed, destroy you and your entire world you had just started rebuilding without meaning to, never realising the destruction left behind. 

This love taught me like the phoenix you will rise from the ashes and you will begin again, slowly, but surely, you are stronger than you ever believed possible and after you have finally been stripped of all the emotional overflow of every other "love" you've ever gone through, this love will gift you a blank slate, a fresh perspective and timid but very strong heart.

Now for the last love. The eigth love. I don't know what this love is. This love is yet to come. There is hope for this love. But there is patience too. This is the last love, the one that won't settle for less love, the meet me in the middle, in the fire, as my equal love. And maybe I will meet this love soon or maybe never, and maybe this love is simply me on my own finally loving myself. 

All I know is this eighth love? This last love? This one, this is the big love. The forever growing old on the Verandah love. And when I find it, it will last. If it had not been for the layers of love and other abominations already experienced then I would never have learnt what love means. 

I want you to look back, on all your loves and be grateful for the lessons, because sometimes if we are to build a sustainable future of love what we need to learn is not what love is, but what love is not.

Mama, Madly xx

Good girls don't do that! But they should...

I spent my weekend speaking to one of my oldest friends.. He is a kindred beyond what many find in a single lifetime and we spoke on every subject that engaged our souls in that moment.. there was a lot of laughter and joy in that conversation but there was depth that only people who really get each other have and it allowed us to delve into areas easily and simply that most only skim the surfaces of, without judgement or trying to change or fix or bend the others thoughts or will...

A slow burning spark has been ignited and fueled itself into an inferno I can no longer contain. Something that has been brewing and ruminating in me at a core level for many years but I have not as yet been able to connect the dots until now has finally shown it's hand. He said something that inspired me and opened up a chasm of self talk and belief that I had just always accepted. We were talking about relationships and he made an observation "All of these men who compliment you, it's not real, they don't really know you" or words to that effect. We then went on to talk about relationships in general and how you don't go looking for them they just happen, he said don't look, the right one will just happen. I understand this way of thinking. I've lived and breathed it and I believe it on a deep level, however I no longer subscribe to it the way I once did. Do not get me wrong I will allow relationships to just happen, I am not closed off to them, but I will allow them to happen if I want them to. I will allow them with personal permission, if they are going to be real and mindful and mutually supportive and inspiring, but I will no longer participate in something just because I should feel 'flattered'....

There is a deep seeded unrest in society at the moment and to simplify it, it stems from Women wanting there to be equal rights to their safety. To really delve into it women have started to really question their place in society, to understand that we do not have the freedoms that men do, something that men will never understand because it is not their experience. We live every moment of every day watching what we say and do and living in a state of fear. Society has not changed since neolithic days we just dress better and move around in flashier ways but we still ascribe to a neanderthal society. It astounds me that men are not waking up to this more and more every day too, finding accountability in behaviours they learnt as kids when they didn't know better. But we do now. We need to put this into action.

Females derive their worth and likeability of how they can be of service to others, especially their men. It is lovely I believe to want to give to your partner however more often than not it see's our own needs fade into the background and the power play, albeit unknowingly by a majority of men, plays itself out every single day. Don't be too loud, don't be too needy, don't be too demanding, don't be too dependent, too independent, too sensitive, too hard, be less crass, be more ladylike, be more sexy, be less slutty, be sexual, be nice. In todays day and age of dating, we are given so many misconstrued and conflicting ways to be, I don't think men let alone women realise this is such a deep seeded behavioural pattern. It puts women at risk every single day and it stops them from speaking. It starts with men saying one thing and behaving another way and then shaming a woman when she dares question it. Women aren't meant to speak of such things, or say no, or ask for respect, or not feel obligated to respond or pay back, they aren't meant to air their dirty laundry, they aren't meant to shine a spotlight on these issues. I am not blaming men. I love men. In fact most of my best friends are men. I am blaming learnt behaviour. That is outdated. 

I stated on my private social media page the other in response to the national enquiry and movement at the moment regarding rape, abuse and sexualisation of women "Take your not All Men bullshit elsewhere. I know not all Men. I know some amazing Men. I also have met some despicable grubby misogynistic excuses for Men. Women know not all men, but when most Women have been subjected to an act of violence by a man we understand the capacity is there. And we change our movements, behaviours, words, dress code and our freedoms to ensure that we are not affected [....] by these."

I do not digress, hear me out, these issues are vastly different but also one in the same, just ask any Woman! Girls are taught from a very young age to be good. To be a good girl is to be accepting. And so we spiral through life just accepting relationships and uncomfortability and self loathing when we allow others to walk over us and instead of speaking up about it. We bury it and we live with it burning holes inside us. Good girls don't feel or need or desire, good girls are good, so be good, and we will like you.

What he said was right. Generally relationships just happen, but from a women's perspective who has adhered to being a "good girl" I was always of the mindset that if a boy or as I grew, a man, liked me I should be flattered. On some level I actually stopped looking at whether or not I truly liked him and just sat in the warm fuzzy glow that someone liked me. Factually? this is why most relationships do not work. They just happen. Without thought. We find someone who likes us and maybe we like them back a little, something that given time might only be a friendship of sorts however we fall into situationships without mindfulness. We don't step back and assess if this is a person we would actually choose, it's just that they happen to be in our hemisphere offering what it is we think we are looking for and because we are good girls with manners we should accept it graciously. We don't stop and assess if they are what WE are looking for. If they are healthy for us, or have the same value system or meet us spiritually, intellectually, ethically, sexually and physically in the middle. 

We don't wait and sit in patience for the truth of who they are and what they bring to the table to unfold. Both men and women are guilty of this. This is a relationship issue not just a woman issue. We as a society need to start practising mindfulness when it comes to relationships or we all end leaving a trail of destruction behind us because we run on auto pilot never questioning why we do what we do or are with the people we are with. If anything we need to step fully into mindful awareness of our actions.

Why do we do this? because we are all so hungry to be filled up to the brim with feelings of being wanted and adored and loved we forget we need to be all those things first before we can even think of inviting someone to stand beside us in the fire. Both men and woman again guilty of this.

But from my perspective and chatting to my female friends about it, as a girl? a good girl? a nice girl? the amount of times I have said yes to men entering my life when I should have said no or take it slow or can we be friends, has been more often that not a truth from a very young age. But I was nice and kind and kept quiet when they stepped outside of boundaries, or they dismissed my needs or wants or feelings. And I never even questioned why I just sat in acceptance of it, which I know know is literal societal learned behaviour of what we are told as both men and women our roles should be. By elders, media, peers, kin. However I'm waking up now, and I know for a fact I am not alone.. still I can only speak as a woman for women.

It has taken me a lot of years to see through the facade, and some of the serious issues I have discussed here have not happened to me, and some have, but I can see how Good Girl Syndrome has spiraled out of control. It has created a society where things like this become a some what norm that is unspoken about, shelved, shoved away, not addressed. Why? because even as young girls we are taught that when boys are mean to us it means they like us. As we grow we are taught to be good girls. And then as relationships start to find their space in our lives we just allow them to happen without mindfulness and coming from a good girl space..

I know this is heavy, I know this is long, but it is most women's story. And this talks about really serious things but also just smaller realisations of how we wander through relationships, the thing is however they are all entwined.. Whether we are not speaking up about wants and needs, or not speaking up about more serious abuses and sexual discriminations and assaults, they all have an underlying factor behind them. Most women are taught to be good girls, and good girls are taught to not speak. This issue is vast and deep and hits all women on every level. I know we are starting to see it for what it is but we have so far to go, because even now, and I obviously only speak for women, we have all be told over and over and over that good girls shouldn't.

Well I am here to tell you that in my world personally, I will be breaking that generational cycle from this moment forward. Because whilst good girls don't do that, I have realised that they absolutely should. Stand up and be counted ladies. You are important and you should be seen and heard.

I can be a good girl still but I finally know that I should not have to DO that, always be "good" and trust me I definitely fucking will (not).. and I will (not) do it with my kindreds, be they men or women who accept me in my entirety, good and bad. Because sometimes good girls go bad in a really good way and that's ok too.

Mana, Madly xo

The last laugh...

When I was a teenager I remember my first encounter with Maya Angelou.. She is an amazing writer and "I know why the caged bird sings" spoke volumes to my soul, about repression and the inner workings of the human heart. Not just because she was black or a woman but because she was a person who has been pushed and squished and beaten down, she was not allowed to be who she really was, she was not appreciated and never allowed to shine. She was like most of us. Invisible to those who did not look beyond the surface.

Last night my 10yr old son came to me and told me how the new catchphrase at school to really insult someone is spreading like wildfire. The "R" word according to him is being thrown around like confetti bringing joy to those who use it and a big old mess for the ones it hits and those of us left to clean up the aftermath. He was telling me how every person deemed unworthy by others is currently a "Retard" and how he himself has been called this word. This word that children spray out as insult and that unimaginative adults use daily to describe people or behaviours and think that it is funny. The "R" word, a throw back to when the world was unforgiving of differences and intolerant of anything or anyone who stepped outside the confines of socially acceptable norms.

As my son told me this, whilst he lay on my lap and I stroked his hair and listened to him, how this current trend lays heavy in his heart and he wonders if they are only calling him that, tears welled in my eyes and slowly fell down my cheeks. You see my son is a super hero, he is a survivor, he is unique and amazing and so far from normal its not funny. And I am glad. If he was normal then maybe today he wouldn't be here and I would not have this story to tell. My son survived 20+ strokes and epilepsy and brain damage and he walks and talks and attends mainstream school. Sure, his hand and body doesn't work 100% properly from his Cerebral Palsy and on occasion concepts float above his head that "normal" 10yr old's should understand but he is here when they said he wouldn't be and no other child has ever survived what he has been through. They judge him for not being normal and all I see is the sheer strength of will, the backbone, determination, tenacity and the miracle.

I tried to explain to him, let's call him Superhero, how most people will live their lives in mediocrity because of fear of what others think. Doing nothing and becoming noone, incase people judge their actions and choices. Using words like retard to make others feel bad because in fact something is broken inside of them and they feel badly about themselves. They fear being judged but do so themselves daily.

I explained to Superhero how even at the age of 40 I was ridiculed and shamed and bullied recently by mean spirited women who have many faults of their own and such mediocre unhappy lives, that they obviously have to build themselves up by tearing other women down, no sisterhood here. How they justify their own lack of worth by piling up victims with their hatred and bile so they can stand up high on their "victories".. I explained to him how victory to some is all they need to feel good about themselves when really their victories are loss, because they do not live a free life, they have no happiness in their soul, their bitterness will eat them away.

It dawned on me these are the parents of miniature human beings who are learning how to be big human beings and live in a world of diversity and change. Live in a world that should embrace difference and stepping outside the box as bravery and heroism. These children are being shaped and moulded by parents who would throw each other under the bus to get a societal leg up on the popularity ladder.
As we talked and I stroked his hair more silent tears fell at the injustices of human behaviour and people's need to feed on others to fill themselves up.

I am a cups half full person because I truly believe what you give out you will get back. Trust me my life has been to Shitsville more times than I can count and I have and do know struggle, but whilst others bitch and moan and drown in whatever life throws at them I choose not to. I just get on with it, with a smile, and good things come to me all the time even if it's not perfect. This has set me up for petty judgements, jealousies and pure meangirl vitriol, I think because I can still smile even when others wouldn't. The fact is I continue dancing to the beat of my own drum and my life is good.

I explained to Superhero how the joke was really on them because deep down inside they are dark and miserable and have no joy. How true wealth is about what you see and feel and experience, how what you bring to the table can not only feed you but also others, and how when you give out kindness and joy your heart will refill with it so in reality you can never lose at life..

Did a part of me want to tell him, this Superhero, how those kids are arseholes and they probably have miserable lives with even more miserable parents, did I want to drop the C-bomb and slap all of them across the head because I honestly just do not understand the lack of empathy and humanity that is glaringly not present here, of course I did. So much. But we teach our children how to human and so I taught him about respect, of himself and others and how the travesty of a fear filled life can create emotional vampires.

I taught my 10yr old Superhero, who has more worth in his little finger than most people have in their entire lives, how rising above them altogether with a smile will feed his own soul and attract more of the same. I explained to him that people like that are unworthy of his time or energy yet still worthy of compassion without buying into it, and sadly I also explained that just like I went through, sometimes these children stay like this throughout adulthood and the best revenge is to really live, without worrying what anybody else really thinks of you. I taught him bullies are just jealous and only win when they manage to suck the energy out of you that you would otherwise use to give joy to yourself and others. They only want you to be as miserable as they are, so do not let them win.

To anyone different who is comfortable in their own skin, who doesn't need to stand on others to lift themselves up and spreads joy to all, you keep on rocking it, this life thing.. because superheroes come in all shapes, sizes and forms and god knows this world needs you.

Why does the caged bird sing? Because it has a song. And what is the difference between having a song or no song at all whether you are in a cage or not? Freedom, and in that freedom is the most astounding beauty you will even encounter even if you can't see it with the naked eye. That my friends is truly living so trust me when I say that in that freedom anď joy given and recieved you really will have the last laugh.

Peace out lovers..

Mama, madly xo

It is what it is.....

It's funny sometimes how perception can colour even the smallest of statements..

I recently went through a hard time with one of my kids, being special needs it is nothing new to me but it was scary in the moment and I felt like my heart was being clenched by an invisible force, with no control once again over the outcome..

I  was conversing about it with a girlfriend when I said to her as a closing statement "It is what it is" and she said, knowing me so well, 'I know it's not and I love you'.. In that moment it made me stop and take stock of not only my words but how people perceive them and thus react..

I have spent the better part of ten years repeating this statement when the conversation hit a point where I can no longer delve into the dynamics of our situation, when questions with no answers are asked, when the depth of emotion feels too deep to dive into and drowning is imminent, so I surface and pull myself out of the pool.. I am just so very tired.. This is self preservation and "It is what it is" has become my salvation.

I have come to realise this statement alone imbues a sense of relief to those asking, and halts any further questions because it is what it is flattens the surface and says "Really it is nothing, it is ok, I am fine"..

The fact is when a person states "it is what it is" it is not because there is no depth but more that they have come to a state of grace and acceptance over circumstances of which they have no control. Be it children, life, love, health, work or finances, when someone states "it is what it is" just recognise they are drowning and keeping their head above the water without being weighed down by the excess is something they literally cannot do if they open that Pandora's box.

Strong people, survivors, warriors, the best people hit with the hardest of times can be heard across the universe saying these five little words, and yet I need you to know that even though they feel peaceful and sure and it comes across as a fairly empty nothing statement, it is infact loaded with volumes. Volumes of pain and suffering and heartbreak, loaded with weight that people who have never experienced these circumstances will never understand and hopefully will not by the graces of the powers that be.. We say them as barriers to cushion the blows, we say them in gratitude that you really do not understand how deep the chasm runs, we say them to keep the wounds closed. We say them to keep our ability to rise everyday, put our two feet on the floor and do what needs to be done without breaking apart at the seams, we say them just to keep living..

I have spent so many hours alone, sleepless at night, crying in the shower, anxiety attacks in the car at the side of the road just trying to hold it together because if I don't I know I will unravel.. So when I, or someone like me says to you "it is what it is" please know that it does not come from a place of nonchalance or lack or nothing.. We do care, sometimes too much.. It comes from a space of everything, all at once in the deepest of ways.. and all we need is your knowing and your presence, because words can only ever skim the surface and your love means so much more than you will ever know.. Just sit with us in it and maybe hold our hand.. Presence means so very much. Just show up.

It really is just what it is, but always really so much more.........
 

Peace out

Mama, madly xo

The day I woke up...

I have spent the last few months in a whirlwind of superfluous thought, ever changing, an evolution of who I am becoming.. One minute I am grounded and steady the next I am throwing my thought processes out the window and starting afresh..

It's been an interesting time in this lead up to my 40th birthday and whilst it has had moments and degrees of difficulty I'd have preferred to not have experienced, on the whole it has been transformative and powerful. It has also been at the core so simple..

I have ridden a rollercoaster of self doubt for years, be it on a personal level and unreal self expectation or from feelings of doubt and inadequacy as I got older. Wondering if everyone around me got 'it', that 'it' that everyone else seems to get that opens the door to self fulfillment, and I unfortunately missed the memo. Or, I have wondered, are we truly all on a quest to work 'it' out, even though 'it' is indefinable to even the most intelligent beings I know..

I walked into my bathroom and caught myself sideways, I had messy hair and baby belly (from well over 10yrs ago) and heading towards 40 arse and I immediately started the age old internal war talk with myself.. "Get it together Lady, go to gym, atleast walk the dog, how can you gym with the kids and work and school and life thing, sort that out asap, look at your hair, omg my mirror is dirty, hmm I haven't cleaned my bathroom for atleast a week (ahem*two*), shit you forgot to pay for the kids excursion, I can't believe you chose curry for dinner the kids will bitch and moan for hours, did you hang out that washing from two days ago, you really should enrol in that course you need to expand your career horizons........."....
This diatribe continued until I caught my own eyes. My god I looked tired. And with that, weariness overtook me and I sat down...

When did this happen? This consistent barrage and self flagelating emotional verbal harm I impose on myself pretty much every hour of every day of my waking life!? When did I get so mean. To me?

I sat there is my 'dirty' clean bathroom for ages pondering myself and my life and I realised, all this amazing internal work I have been doing on myself for months, to be a better me has brought me to a really great point but could have been reached easier and faster If I had done just one thing right at the start of my journey. If I had just given myself a break and realised 'it' was an  unobtainable myth and that just doing my best and being myself was always what 'it' has always been about.

We can be so unkind to ourselves, raising expectations and standards to some level that we somewhere along the way created for ourselves believing these 'life' points that we need to reach are akin to adult brownie points that we are given by someone who doesnt exist who has created rules that aren't real about things that dont matter..

I may not own my own house or have perky boobs or have my proverbial shit sorted when it comes to dishes, financial planning, having any type of patience with idiots, knowing what I want to be when I grow up, how to parent kindly somedays, mastering the art of not speaking before thinking, getting drunk on weeknights, being on time, wearing jeans until they are so dirty they throw themselves in the washer and crying because its bather season again and I forgot to go to gym all year, but I do have a grateful heart, pretty good kids, I live very well, I always try to come from kindness, a body that is healthy and pretty much alive, awesome dance moves and a smile that can make others smile too..

I'm fairly sure that when I say, I like my life and where I'm at and where I'm going and those that are accompanying my journey that is what 'it' is all about..

It may have been in a bathroom, and the mirror may have reflected my ugly crying face but the day I stopped mean talking and bullying myself to be 'better' and realised just how good 'it' all is in my world is the day life embraced me and said gleefully "Finally, I have been waiting so long for you to see me, I have so much more to show you and now you are awake you can finally join in out here instead of living your life in knots in there"...

It's such an illusion and finally the light is on and this Lady is embracing her moments, be they good or bad, atleast I'm awake to them.. I suggest you do the same, I'm thinking your 'it' is fairly awesome too..

Mama, Madly xo

An open letter to The Man.....

Sometimes we make big things out of little thing and vice versa but they always in turn show us the reality of us, who we are, what we want and what we need.. Sometimes the smallest things give us the biggest lessons. This is an open letter to The Man, the one's of the past the one's of the future, this is just what it is............

I do not need excuses.
I need a man.
I need a man who is in line with me being a woman.
I need a man who will step into the fire with me.
Who meets me halfway.
I need consistency.
I need commitment.
I need honesty.
I need trustworthiness.
I need integrity.
I don't just need them I want them.

I want someone who values me as a whole.
Who understands when I put my heart in their hands it is something to be cherished and valued.
I need someone who is invested in me,
As I am invested in them
And treats that as a sacred space.

A man who is not in contact with the women he was sleeping with before me, let alone other ladies that may become new paths to wander down. He does not keep those doors open.
Not a man who has their interests invested in so many different areas that they are spread thin and scattered. He recognises that in keeping lines of communication open to other old loves and new possibilities means he doesn't have to commit fully to the present and to me, that this is not acceptable and a betrayal of trust that can be hard to ever mend, he sees the disrespect and hurt that it causes. So he doesn't.

I need someone who recognises I am not an option. There is no back up plan. He is not even interested in looking. We've got this. Together. I'm am a worthy investment, I am home.

I need a man who does not sit is his past and use it to excuse his life now and his behaviours, I need a man who owns his own bullshit. As do I.
I need a man who is man enough to step into his role as a King does to his Queen and does not question it. And never backs down. We have each others back. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Our loyalty never questioned.

I need a man who joins me when I say that anyone who tries to enter or re-enter my sacred space I keep for him and only him, in no uncertain terms has been told that my heart is invested with someone and I will not tolerate anyone who tries to enter that space, it is ours and ours alone.
And any woman trying to manoeuvre into our sacred space is kicked to the kerb without hesitation because he recognises the game and will not play it with my heart on the line.

I need respect.
As I would respect him.

I need that man to realise these are all very normal desires, needs and wants for a normal functioning healthy relationship and these are not unreasonable, I need him to know I in turn will offer all of that and more.

I need a connected man who wants to be my man and wants me to be his woman and does not hide me in shame, or fears he is cutting off other avenues. He owns me and our love publically because he is proud to call me his woman.

I want a man who has no doubt that I am the only road he wants to travel and build a future, a home and a life with me. Whether either of us come with empty arms and full hearts or an empire and a broken soul, we merge, we become US.

Be my best friend, my confidante, my biggest supporter.
Someone I can laugh with, talk to, be silent with, yell at, make up with, never feel like I am unheard or underestimated or ignored or unloved. Who only ever lays his hands on me in a loving or playful touch.
Someone who realises our life is the foundation to build everything else upon.

Someone I can trust with my life.

Who chooses me and it feels like freedom and not a burden.
Who knows I will hold him above all other men even when times get tough or money is tight or work is bad or kids are sick or nights get long I will love him harder and I will never walk, never leave, never abandon him as he would never do to me. I will be 80% when he can only be 20% and vice versa. I will support him without question. Even when I don't want to, as he will do for me in return.

A man who is prepared to fight and work for our relationship. One who talks to me. I need genuine. I need generosity of spirit. Who never disregards my feelings or thoughts or processes.
I need a man with endurance because if you are going to atleast try you need to be all in to really give it a red hot go.

I do not want a friend I fuck.
Someone I get only on their terms. Only when they want or desire. Who pushes me away when I get too close and sucks me in when I start to wander too far and maybe he might lose me.

I want a partner. I deserve the universe. My man deserves the universe.
We should have that together. Even if that Universe is just us, happy, living and building a world for ourselves, being the best of ourselves that we can be and totally supporting each other in that.

So to all the men knocking on my door who do not want that.
You are not and will never be the man.
I am too old to be fucking around anymore, I am too aware to allow my precious time left to be wasted, I would rather be alone than half invested. I do not want to live with regret.
I am a sorted woman, I don't actually need a man but I would like one to share my life with.
Do I expect a lot? Sure.. but it is nothing I will not give back in return.

For all the men I allowed access
The one's I've loved
I am not sorry for that.
But you are not the man.

It is heartbreaking and sad
Because you could of been the man,
I would never have allowed you in if I did not see that inside you.
So It's not that you are not the man,
It's that you chose not to be the man.
So you are not the man.

The man will meet me on the bridge, In the fire, In the middle and when one jumps the other jumps too. Sometimes a real Soulmate comes into your life to slap you awake so you can start living your best life for you. Maybe you were not the man nor I the woman but we did slap each other awake.

To all the men I have loved you are so this man you just don't believe it or trust yourself or anyone else. So I have to let go, allow you the freedom to go, to be miserable with a girl who puts up with your shit and allows you to be badly behaved and never answerable for how you treat her. A girl will do that. A woman will not. A woman wants to empower you, not hold you back.

Your girl won't want the Universe for you, she'll make you into her universe, she won't want your growth or for you to reach your potential as a man. To open up to all that you are, that the world has pushed down inside you with heartbreak and unrelenting fear and pain.
You'll be safe with her. Because you are not really invested and she will never insist on it in case she loses you in the outfalls like I have done each and every time I stand up for myself and my rights and my needs, but also trying to empower a man to step up who is too scared to fly.
Eventually it will kill you, kill your spirit, because there is no life in mediocrity and all your could have been's will rise up like bile, burning every word you speak and  haunting your long lonely nights but you'll be safe and in total control. It breaks my heart for you. But....

Me?
I'm removing myself from any love equation if you are not or cannot or are unwilling to try.
Why?
Because I deserve everything, and,

This time I choose ME.

"If a battle cannot be won do not fight it." - SunTzu -The Art of War-

Mama, Madly...................

To ride a raging sea.........

Today I feel Rage
I am enraged
I have rage
I will rage
The rage wells and ebbs and flows inside me
and today it is seeping out.

I always feel like I am on the other side, no longer affected by a decade+ long journey of being in a domestically emotionally abusive and violent relationship. That is until it rears it's ugly head and the rage comes and burns in my veins, fills my soul with these pits of fiery anger.. After being expressed it silently and surely ebbs away, with me assuming this is the last time it will show its very ugly head (until the next time).

I had a situation come up with my ex regarding our children and him allowing them to spend time with an inappropriate person amongst a few other issues in regards to actually looking after them and their health and wellbeing over this last weekend. All of a sudden this pit in my belly started to rise and turn and spark and fire up and bam, I was right back where I was 3yrs ago, looking at this man that I had once loved and had children with but on the other hand loathed with all my being, and it enraged my soul to see the behaviour had not changed and now my children were being subjected to it.

He called me ridiculous (as always), said I was jealous (as the other party was a woman) and made me actually step back and question my behaviour (always making me doubt myself), I wont even go into him physically threatening me. So I sat. In my rage, I moved through my day, I met my sister for a coffee, I shopped for my children's new school shoes, I made their lunches and I just sat with this feeling in my heart and allowed it to evolve so I could understand what was really going on.

What I came to realise is I was in Rage. At him rightly so, the situation being not acceptable, be it a man, woman or animal, my children need him to step up as a Father when he is in that role and my jealousy was actually non existent. I realised he always made me question myself. He always made me feel badly about my reactions. He always incited rage in my soul with his own behaviours but never allowed me to speak my truth.

And then I realised He did all this because I allowed it and the Rage I was feeling was really at myself.

When I met this man I was young, free, and had an entire life ahead of me
He took me and moulded me.
He beat me, he belittled me and he turned me into a shadow of myself.
And I allowed it.
He hurt me, he shamed me and he made me feel unloved and unlovable.
And I allowed it.
He took the sweetest, happiest, kindest parts of me and would cut me down until
I either stopped or would only subserviently behave the way he felt appropriate,
and on occasion I became black and bitter and acted as such, just like him,
And I allowed it.

I am in Rage
I am raging that this man is still allowed space in my life
I am enraged that I bore beautiful children to his man and his revolting soul gets to help shape who they become, and when I see parts of his bad behaviour shine through in them every part of my body screams.
I am in rage because all the soft, feminine, loving parts of me hide away in the deepest corners of my heart and although desperately need love are so scared of it I shy away from it.
I rage because when a man moves towards me I involuntarily step back, or move or tense awaiting a  hurt that will not come.
I am enraged because I was told for 10yrs that I had an ugly heart, soul, mind and body and I believed all of it. I stopped loving myself and never thought I would be loveable to anyone else.
I rage because some days I feel hard and impenetrable and alone, like a defenseless Mama bear with her two cubs facing off against a band of hunters holding guns.
And it hurts, it hurts that sometimes I feel my good, sweet, loving heart has been wasted
and maybe I will never get a chance to know the love of a good man who will not squash me into small spaces to make him feel better about his own inadequacies. 

And then, right at the very centre of this rage is unadulterated sadness, because I allowed this life to happen, to myself. Not anymore.

I embrace the rage, the raging river of emotion of who and how I have become who I am and I recognise it as growth. It is ok for me to speak my truth and walk my talk and be radiantly who I am without questioning it because of him. I am a Mama Bear protecting her cubs and that is ok. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy (his bad behaviour being an offshoot of aspergergers), and a very likeable nice guy. He is a good Dad more often than not and I appreciate his presence in the children's lives. But this time he was not and it was absolutely my right to not only question it but to demand better.

Anyone who has been in a physically or emotionally abusive or toxic relationship will know what I am talking about, please know from me to you, eventually the Rage will fade and the fire will die and a bit like how sand is made into glass from heat something beautiful will be born..

This rage is righteous and raw and real and it is me. It is positivity and growth and healing in motion.. I don't need to rage against anything just face the storm and know that it will wash everything clean

The first cut is the deepest.....

Have you ever been driving in the car or vacuuming your floor or doing up your shoes and bam something hits you so hard you forget to breath!? An epiphany of sorts.. A realisation of such depth about your own character that you have to take time to mull it over in your head. Time because it's still in that hazy space where trying to articulate it makes it feels like even more of a jumbled mess..

That was me.. Last week. Althought disordered thoughts had been building for a while they didnt fall into place until this moment. I had a realisation that literally stopped me in my tracks and made me question every single choice I've made in the last 20yrs of my life..

When I was 17yrs old I fell madly in love. Sure I'd had boyfriends before, but I'd never felt that heady rush of passionate love, the kind that runs you over like a steamroller.. Knocking the air out of your lungs and the thought out of your mind. My god, I was madly, deeply, truly, innocently, totally in love.. He was imperfectly perfect in my eyes, and my world had gone from being young and free to everything in its entirety completely beginning and ending with him.. I walked, talked, drank, ate and breathed him.. He was my everything, until one day he was not..

He left me. Not in a bad way, he just moved away, he had to. He was on a life path, a journey, and he made a choice that he needed to make that was right for him at the time, but it crushed me. To the core. I remember travelling out to my Mum's in the country at the time, I was about 18.. She lived in a tiny little shack, so guest quarters were a lavishly set up tent with a bed fit for a queen, and that is where I planted myself for 3 days, in hiding or contemplation, that was where I made my nest and I was staying.. Wrapped up in a tight little ball, not eating, not speaking, sobbing uncontrollably in a way I had never experienced before, bewildered at the pain in my broken heart and wondering how would I ever survive..

I had never had my heart broken before, not like that, and it was definitely not to my liking.. I remember on the third morning, my mother, the warrior woman she is, entered the tent with a steaming cup of hot coffee that she thrust in my face as she yanked off the covers and said "It is time".. It was dawn. A frosty crisp morning, the earth steaming and as the sun made everything sparkle whilst it rose, she made me get on the back of one of our horses and ride.. She made me ride and ride and ride, and the tears fell, and the sun rose and for hours I rode. And somewhere in there I swore to myself that I would never hurt like that again. It is amazing the pacts we make with ourselves that shape us into who we become. Pacts that we forget about but we hold onto deep inside liked buried treasure, riches they are not. The tears subsided, the nest was packed away, I caught the train home and life continued.. Back to present day...

Next month I am turning 39. I have had two almost decade long relationships and three beautiful children born from them. The other day amid mundane daily 'stuff' after months of soul searching it hit me square between the eyes. I have not actually fallen "in love" with anyone since that first heartbreak. Oh sure I have loved, very deeply, very seriously, my partners, and boyfriends in between, but at 38yrs old I have realised I have not fallen madly deeply in love like I did a lifetime ago.. And the sadness hit me like a wave.

I have been single, but dating, for 2yrs at the end of this month, and the journey has been phenomenal.  I have met a lot of wannabe's, cant be's and maybe's. I have met potentials and friendzoner's and not even close's. I have thought there were times when I may have finally been able to entrust my heart in one or two with the reality of them crushing hopes and dreams in flashes and floods. I have learnt more about myself and others in the last two years than I ever thought possible and what I have finally come away knowing is this......

I have realised I am nearly 40, and although I always thought 40 was so aged, I can now see how incredibly young 40 really is and how much I have left to learn. And that's ok.

I have realised I am ready, finally, to "fall in love". Why? Because at nearly 40, I finally love myself enough to create a safe space for true unadulterated real love to come into my life.

I have realised real love is not about holding yourself back and keeping yourself safe, it is about being open and strong and knowing no matter the terrain you will survive.

I have realised real love has troughs and flows and ebbs and tides. Sometimes you even find real love is not happy. It is not always sunshine and smiles but it is always real, so you maintain it. Through the good and the bad times.

I have learnt real love cannot be real if you are not completely and utterly open to it.

I have learnt sometimes real love is walking away. Because you love yourself enough to not compromise and not just 'stay'..

And I have learnt patience, because I know in my wisdom that comes with age, real love takes time, and cannot be rushed. When we wait for the right love to come along, it will be right, and it will not shy away but meet you in the middle. It will be strong, and all knowing, and it will be balanced and equal. It will be all encompassing and supportive, and it will above all be honest. Not coerced or forced from need or want or lack or fear. It will just be. So I am happy to wait.

I do not need to fill empty spaces in my life and bed with even emptier people, false hopes and disappointments. I do not want to be someone's maybe or halftime, when I step in I want my 'love' to step in to meet me. I am not prepared to share my energy with someone who is just a stand-in until the real deal comes along. I am not prepared to repeat my mistakes or live a life of mediocrity. I can live simply and humbly and plainly, without much in the way of 'things' but real love in itself is never mediocre. So I am happy to wait.

The first cut is the deepest but if we all based our experiences on firsts then not a lot of progression would be made. Sometimes it really is better to feel the fear and do it anyway..

I never understood that saying "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" but I finally get it.. All the pain and suffering I went through after a multitude of broken hearts when I had never fully given myself over to love, did not break me. If there is going to be love lost I may as well make it worth it, make it from a total space of pure honest heartfelt real love.

Who knows, the next person I fall "in love" with may fall "in love" with me in exactly the same way and this heartbreak we speak of may never happen.. It also might, but it might not.. At nearly 40yrs old its a gamble I'm  finally prepared to take. Fear limits us so much.. Too much.. We have but one life to live, why would we not take the gamble just in case..

Mama, Madly xo

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

I have been absent.. Gone.. No writing, No anything.. For a long time,
and here's why

I have been disconnected.

Not in a powerful, I'm on a journey and eternal fulfilment and peace love and mung beans kind of way, but definitely a journey, one of discovery.

What I have discovered is by being externally connected especially in this day and age of technological break through and advancement my external connections disconnect me internally.

I got lost. On the super highway of the net.

We are all so conditioned as human beings to connect so when we do this via social media be it a platform like Facebook or be it picture sharing sites such as Instagram, the amazing selves we sell on dating sites or even over sharing like Blogging such as I am doing now, we believe we remain connected, but facts are we are not. We misread, miscommunicate, misinterpret and try to squish ourselves into others ideal's of us. Social media has become our new self sacrifice and relationship suicide.

Someone said to me today, "A friend of mine thinks you are out of his league, he looked at pics on your profile" and I laughed.. And laughed.. And laughed.. And then inside I cringed.. My response? Number one, your friend needs more self worth and number two a picture does not tell a thousand words, not these days, not anymore.

We are all so busy conveying this amazing life of happiness we lead and how every moment we share with others is blissful and fulfilling and heart loving, that we are not owning the reality of life. The highs and lows, the real and raw emotion of being alive. We have forgotten one of the biggest healers we have when we are real and in moments of sadness or pain is sharing that pain with others.. Living authentically gives us power to survive the waves of emotion, of being human, in not only a supported way, but it allows life to fulfill us in ways we never knew possible when we covered up all that was not gold.

We are so busy coming from what people look like on the outside and the quality of life they supposedly lead on the surface that we have forgotten quality is about what is on the inside, that the calibre of a person is measured in their compassion and empathy and integrity and acceptance and love.

We have stopped recognising our worth comes from who we ARE not how we look, or where we live or how we live or what car we drive, but in fact what drives us, in our hearts at the core of our beings. We allow peoples opinions to define us and box us and separate us and stop us doing what our hearts desire. We limit ourselves consistently based on other people's opinions and expectations of who they think we are, not who we truly are.

People who do not have the literacy give up on the idea of schooling because they do not want to appear stupid to others instead of recognising their bravery of envisioning a new life they are building for themselves.
People who come from nothing stop living and work ridiculously hard to build a financial life and future that looks good on the glossy pages of a magazine or social media page, but what fills their heart if they no longer have the time to live and love and laugh. Not the 'stuff' they acquire.
People who marry someone who ticks all the right boxes as far as what society says are definitive needs in a partner yet that person doesn't stimulate their mind or body on a deep soul level and there will never be a fire in the belly or the soul, it is mediocre love in this one life we have to live, it becomes a life less lived..
A mother who will not take her small children to the beach on a warm summer's day because she is overweight and worries what others think of her, a mother who misses out on creating precious memories with children who see her as the sun and the moon in their universe, disallows herself to truly live that with them because of other peoples opinions.......

The list is endless, the equations innumerable, but my absence has taught me well. We should not define ourselves on the opinion of others, we should not disconnect to connect on this horrible surface level of social media expectations we cannot and should never try to meet. One of the most amazing things about being a human being is our vast capacity to feel, all emotions, be they high or low, at least we feel. At least we love, at least we have each other. At least we connect.
We should quit the job, build the hut, marry the girl, wear the clothes, buy the shoes, have the baby, leave the life, wander where we want to go and do what we need to do to fulfil only one need. OURS.

I will no longer base my judgement of who I am, where I am going, what I am doing and where I have come from on other people's surface value opinion of who I am.. I hope this at least makes you think about it.. I hope this will make you go and look in the mirror and love what you see, I also hope that the things you see and don't like you also accept, because they are also things that make you, uniquely you.

I don't need to keep up with the Joneses, because with a name like mine it wouldn't suit anyway......

Peace out..
Mama, Madly xox

The tortoise and the hare-brained..

Sometimes I am truly, seriously, a really bad friend.. Let's just get that out of the way.

I have 4 parcels in my sewing room.. Four parcels created with love.. Four parcels I have ready to send to some dear friends.. Lovely friends.. Kind, understanding, sweet natured friends.. Four parcels that have been waiting to be sent for the better part of a year and yet they still sit there.. Am I remiss? You bet your arse I am..

I'm not an unkind person, I am not malicious and I would never intentionally hurt anybody's feelings. In fact in the friendship department I will go above and beyond, if and when I can. I would do anything for you if you are my friend. On one small proviso. You will need to remind me.

You do not need to remind me that we are friends, once I am friends with you it means you have woven a small space in my heart, kept soft and safe and warm just for you. I could go the working, studying single mother one child being Sp.nds route, one Mum two hands three kids and a life totally bereft of time route, but I wont....  I am a work in progress, I will always try my hardest to improve for anyone, myself included.. You do not need to remind me we are friends, you will however on some occasions, be they big or little, need to remind me to be present.

I have apologised and grovelled and shamefully written honourably honest messages or letters or made phone calls owning my shocking behaviour.. I am fortunate enough these days to have a rather large number of old friends, who know me, and know without a doubt that I love them and it is what is in my heart that matters. Not whether I ring weekly or see them fortnightly or do the birthday card thing (which I never do) or like their crap on facebook or remember their children's names and ages because frankly I sometimes find it hard to remember my own..

A long time ago I realised that I am forgetful. My brain is a heaving mess of thought and unspoken word, I see everything and file and date and picturise events as they happen, no matter how insignificant they may seem.. I am the girl who wears clothes inside out, who stops mid sentence because I've forgotten my train of thought, who can miss even the most important of appointments unless it written in three different places and alarmed in my phone to go off at ten minute intervals within the few hours beforehand. I am so in the moment sometimes that 10minutes ago feels like yesterday, and 5pm is happening in 2hrs isn't it, until I realise it's actually hit 7pm and dinner should have been and gone.. In saying all of this, I am a bit of a walking contradiction, when I have it, I have it down pat. I am Superwoman, She-God, creator and finisher of daily tasks, an archetypical cape flowing behind me as my accomplishments shine like the sun itself..

I find it laughable in a "Fuck I am so ridiculously hopeless I want to laugh and cry all at once" panic/bile rising in my throat kind of way, to admit that even on occasion I have forgotten to pick my children up on time from school. I have found myself racing in the car 2minutes before the bell is to ring at their school a 5minute drive away.. I find myself reading messages and forgetting to respond, or believing I have even if I only did it in my head and did not actually follow through with the act itself. I open mail or emails and am unable to repeat the contents a short period later.. I consistently find myself nearly without petrol or having forgotten my wallet, lunch, phone or keys.. I can do one thing at a time, I get easily distracted and sometimes I need to limit what I am doing or I lose myself in people and things.. And then, I can juggle a dozen things the next day..

If I could caricature myself it would fuzzy hair, all amiss, skewiff glasses, wrong buttons done up on a blouse and a completely dumfounded look up my face, with a slight undertone of "Oh shit!".. I think it truly is possible that my attention span is that of a goldfish, but it does not mean I do not love or appreciate my friends.. The thought of hurting people's feelings does me in and it makes me feel consistently terrible almost daily, but it does not make my brain get it's proverbial collective shit together.. I can be concentrating and bam out of the corner of my eye something catches my attention and that is it, It is done. My brain has escaped and it was last seen heading south at a rapid pace, slowly gathering speed..

I think the word for people like me is harebrained (although I call it fairly normal).. And I just wanted to say to all my harebrained sister's (and brother's) out there, you are not alone.. I may not remember you or remember to acknowledge you or remember to try to remember you, but we are cut from the same cloth, and I get it.. I don't remember how to get back to the start and begin again, and although this race sometimes feels like the tortoise and the hare, and I look like I am going round in circles, I will eventually get there. You would find it hard to believe I truly am a tortoise at heart and maybe I might possibly kinda see you in the future at some stage, but as fare as harebrained goes, I totally get it..

You and I? We ARE bad friends, but that's ok.. As long as it's work in progress hopeless never has the last word, and the one's who really see your heart? They know it will never forget them even if it thinks it has.. xx

Mama, Madly xo

Space Time Continu-MUM

Space time continuum argues that objects in motion actually experience time at a slower rate than one at rest.. Well Einstein I take your theory of relativity and I see you Mum..

If Einstein were right (which in fact he is as has been proven countless times) but, if he was correct in terms of us mere mortals and human times then us working and studying Mama's and Father's would have more time to get everything we need done, in actual fact done.

It seems the busier I get the less time I have.. Why is that Al? Why do us under the pump parents get less time in comparison to our counterparts or is that a silly question!? Scientifically I should get it but intellectually on a very real level my somewhat on occasion childish head screams FFS Albert you're a dick.. And dick's like you and your uber intellectual theories make us "busy" parents feel somewhat lacking, and when I say lacking I am not talking about time...

Somewhere in between the Earth and a galaxy far far away, I have forgotten how to time manage.. Now don't get me wrong I am all up in that sciencey stuff, I've dabbled in biology and chemistry albeit of a different kind, the kind that brought me to parenthood to begin with but surely there is a new science somewhere that can create time, or extra minutes for those of us to spend doing what we need to do let alone all the other good things we miss out on.. The lacking.. Like little smiles and daisy chains necklaces and small arms around the neck hugs and breaking out into song and dance car concerts, all the little things that do not make a universe but do in fact create your own.. Damned if we do and damned if we don't, and time is just the smallest piece of that pie...

I think if universal law were just it would create a space where we could just be, a moment in time where we could just hang out, in between meetings and appointments and clients and phone calls and faxes, just a moment where nothing is needed from us and we can just be.. Oh my.. Sigh.. How lovely is the thought!? but the likelihood?? nil, nada, not...

I have found a complete correlation in fact between space and parenting... Take Black Holes for existence, they exist here on earth.. Mine happens to be the place I lose my bag, keys, phone, kids shoes, lunchboxes, return notices and my mind... The other thing I have realised is whether I work or I am SAHM, I have a black hole, a severe lack of time and issues that seem to cross entire galaxies, even on occasion my own little asteroid shower in the shape of a tanty or five...

You and I both know for a fact that Albert Einstein was and still is considered to be one of the greatest living geniuses, what you and I also know is that even Al the genius did not have the answer to parenting.. It is not a science, it's an art form.. It flows and ebbs and grows and expands and rests, but it is never exact and rational thinking can never create the perfect scenario when it comes down to it, but it always goes on as an inconstant constant..

Men may be from Mars, and women are from Venus but the science of parenting is from Uranus.. and we will balls it up all the time.. Stop trying to find the time just snatch your moments,.. And if the universe implodes because you cant keep up?? Trust me there is another one out there as yet unexplored.. Crank up the music and teach your kids how to moon walk ;)

To infinity and beyond...

Mama, Madly xo

Dear Tourists

Dear Tourists,
I'm writing this letter to you in hopes to give you some understanding behind the reasoning as to why there is such a division between tourists and locals down on the Mornington Peninsula.. I also hope it helps you empathise with us (the locals)..

Just to emphasise my point, first off, here are some facts -: Around 150,000 people live on the peninsula, most in the small towns on its western shorelines... During the summer months, the population can swell to around 250,000+ people and has hit triple that on the holidays of the year like New Years Eve etc.. The coastline {I am a further down local so I'm personally talking Dromana to Portsea areas} is roughly around 20kms wide and 15kms long, so as far as space goes, you get my drift right!!??? Small space LOTS of people..

Anyway, we pretty much as a whole live here in relative peace and quiet, you cannot go down the street without bumping into someone you know, or more probable the number is 5x odd someone's you know, we are a 'community', our children even of differing schools all know each other, it is just such  an amazing place to be, and then tourist season hits.. We recognise you come down here as a get away from crazy hectic city life, hell half of us have done the same as a sea-change and stayed.. This is where the problem lies.. Let me explain from our point of view, and when I say 'our' I cannot talk for all, but its a topic of conversation we all have every year, lets hope I can articulate it properly *even if it is quite long*,,,
We drive down the street only to be cut off, glared at, completely ignored or even abused.. We cannot get a carpark for the life of us, and what you all seem to forget is we are NOT on holidays, we LIVE here, we have jobs to get to, children to run around, sports/life/family and community commitments we try to keep whilst having to keep in mind the main road in our area is bumper to bumper traffic and on average what would normally take us 5mins in our everyday travels now takes up to 40+ mins.. and even all our shortcuts and backstreets have been taken over, so let alone finding an easier way to conduct our life we worry about the volume of traffic that can affect how we allow our children to play because everyone is still on 'city' time and hoons around as if they have firecrackers up their butts.. They pay no heed to road rules or speed limits or the fact that Mr.Smiths 5yr old just got a bike for christmas and may accidentally fly out of their driveway, but alot of us locals do know these things, or we are mindful of them.. 

We shop in our local supermarkets, where we know everyone who serves us, even if its just as a quick g'day and a nod, where on a cold wet winters night we can do a whole food shop and not see another soul, yet over these summer months we try to buy essentials like bread, milk, newspapers, toilet paper even meat, and you name it we are out of luck.. Us 'locals' who still have to work and provide for our families and manage our time because we are not on holidays but still 'living normal life' cant even race down the street to buy breakfast items because it takes too long and they're all sold out anyway..

Our kids cannot go to their local skate park without any number of kids, youth or even adult's being rude if not actually aggressive.. Our teens are abused, attacked and walk around in fear of what may happen if they look even sideways at the wrong person, glassing's and knife attacks are becoming more predominant every year.. **and before people ask who I am, I am a mother of just out of school teens, still in high school teens, primary school aged, and a Kinder aged child.. I grew up from 14 onwards down here, I 'live' here, I work here, I study here, I am affected along with thousands of others on a consistent level..

Loud music is played till all hours of the night, in understandable "happiness for holiday freedom", but it doesn't help when it wakes your kids and they sob for lack of sleep or you have to be up before 6am for work etc.. Most of Us 'locals' are beach goers, we live here, so you would be correct in assuming this 'beach-life' is part of who we are.. We cannot find a spot to play with our kids, the sand and water is littered by forgotten rubbish someone left behind who appreciating their time off doesn't appreciate the paradise where they are spending it.. Our children have to wear shoes, because broken glass bottle and needles along our beachfront are becoming more commonplace.. Our community parks and playgrounds that we scrimp, save and fundraise for are vandalised, our kids wearing the aftermath of a 'fun' night out where the local park is set on fire as just happened recently, somewhere our kids can no longer play until our community fixes it..

When wandering down the plaza our children, big and small, are completely ignored, bashed into, barked at, bowled over without even the slightest use of manners, this has happened to my own children so many times I cannot count and my children have such lovely manners so this point really irritates me.. These children who all grow together, who understand more about community and respect in one breath than half the 'visitors' we see down here over the summer periods.. 

People push in line, steal carparks, drive in ways that can only be described as pure stupidity, and they wonder why we exasperatedly roll our eyes or even give back a little of what we cop.. This is our HOME, we are invaded by rude expectant people with no manners or respect for ourselves, our homes, our children, our beaches, our communities or even just a realisation they should be thankful at being able to be part if only for a little while such a wonderful place.. Who are so busy trying to be relaxed they cannot see that like a cyclone they leave behind a trail of destruction that will continue to affect us long after they have left.. 

You can scoff all you want, If you think trying to justify it away by thinking it is not so wonderful, then why are you here?? Slow down, have respect, use your manners, common courtesy, friendliness never hurt anyone, and above all be mindful that even though your fast paced life is temporarily on hold, ours aren't....!!!! ~ Written by a mid 30's mother who grew up in St.Kilda and worked in the city until her 30's {so I am no stranger to hustle and bustle} but is proud to have been part of the MP Lifestyle including bringing her own children up here for over 20yrs, and the craziness that is tourist season drives me nuts, cannot fathom how it affects the MP lifers!!!!! **please feel free to share**

Hello, How are you!!??......

""Hello, how are you? Have you been alright?
Through all those lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely nights
That's what I'd say, I'd tell you everything
If you'd pick up that telephone, yeah yeah yeah

Hey, how you feelin'? Are you still the same?
Don't you realize the things we did, we did
Were all for real, not a dream? And I just can't believe
They've all faded out of view, yeah yeah yeah""

Ok so I just stole most of a classic song by ELO (that's Electric Light Orchestra to you young'uns or non-dags or bad music listeners) as this has been running through my head most of the day.. That was, it was, until I realised that in fact it may have been echoing in the recesses of my musical mind, but my heart just wasn't feeling it..

It's amazing how little merit we give "Time out", you know what I'm talking about, those moments where we have no responsibilities or time frames and "OPN's" i.e "other people's needs" to cater too, and we can just BE! I have just spent 24hrs people free, by myself, doing pretty much, well, nothing!!! I was totally alone but oh so NOT lonely and found that nothingness can indeed be totally and utterly fulfilling..

Oh sure, I had text messages, and Facebook and inboxes to peruse but I found as a whole I didn't.. I willingly chose to disconnect, and sometimes I think in disconnecting it's how we learn to reconnect.. Not with anything or anyone but ourselves. In a world that is jacked up, and techied up, and locked in, and locked out, and pushed on, and paid for, and primed up, and giving of, and busy with, and too "noisy" to hear ourselves think, sometimes we don't stop to just stop.

I know there is that phrase you should stop and smell the roses, but fuck that, sometimes we don't want to smell the roses, sometimes we just want to disconnect and not be, just so we can be.. Does that even make sense or am I the only one who feels this way!?? I'm so busy connecting out there >>> that I forget to connect in here, I forget what colour my own eyes are or what my own smile looks like or if any thing I'm saying is really who I am or am I just saying words for the sake of it and I forget the real essence behind what my intention is.. I feel like sometimes I forget about Me.

I have laid around and watched tv, done my nails, eaten ice-cream, from a mug(!!!) that is still to my knowledge sitting on my loungeroom side table, obviously unwashed.. I had a nap and read a book and did my hair, embraced my inner geek and sat in complete silence whilst Pinteresting stuff that I will never ever do for about 3hrs, but it gave me pleasure, and that silence was the best thing I have heard in months.. I sat in the sun, and fed my pets, and tried on summer dresses and drank copious amounts of coffee whilst naughtily smoking (which I don't really do anymore unless drunk and abetted) after wondering if a bowl of cereal is a suitable dinner food all the while ignoring the ring and ding of my phones and computer and not actually 'talking' to anyone... I have lounged and lulled and lazed my way through an entire day.. I pretty much did a whole lot of nothing, without guilt, and then almost but not quite felt guilty for my lack of it until I put my Ugg boots on, realised it was a wasted emotion and decided to write this blog instead...

Sometimes we are so eager to connect with everybody else we forget that we in fact need to connect with ourselves.. Sure it would be nice to share my quiet kid free weekends with someone, preferably not of the romantic variety, someone I can watch movies with and eat popcorn with and not actually have to talk to or actively participate in an energetic swap, who has no romantic interest and doesn't care if I look like a hideous she-beast in my hoodies and jeans with the arse ripped out.. Who never questions my love of bacon or vegemite&avocado or gingernut biscuits (separately of course, not together, I am not a Neanderthal), who is just easy and requires nothing from me, but sometimes, not always just sometimes, people are too hard or have baggage or other people or little people or agenda's and you know what? I cannot be fucked with it all..

It's not personal, I just need to recharge my batteries before the universal onslaught begins again.. So I am going to enjoy reconnecting with myself and feed my soul.. I might dance around to some loud ELO and be a dag, watch every Molly Ringwald Movie ever made without self judgement or trying to appease my guilt of flaming self hatred and shame at hours wasted not fixing the world or my washing or my vacuuming..

So I'm calling myself. Back home. To me.

Disconnecting, to reconnect. I'm sure the line will be clear when I emerge..

Mama, Madly xox

40 is the new black....

So I went out on the weekend.. Old school style. Jeans, docs, hair back, totally unpretentious and totally prepared for a great night out with some girly friends..

Being a full time mum and worker I don't get a lot of me time let alone opportunities to go out.. And after the few months I'd had regarding my love life and children and working and financials with all the fluff in between, I just needed one of those easy nights out with friends and dancing and music and laughs, the kind of nights that remind you of who you are again..

The best thing about the night was the group of ladies I shared it with, all of us out doing the same thing just looking to have a good happy night, no drama, no on the prowl BS, no crazy headspaces or drunken texting and crying and feeble attempts at pretending we were having a good night, it was just real and normal and easy and we really did have a great fun night... 

At one stage I was standing there laughing along at something one of my friends said about our dagginess and my drunken "I see all" goggles hit my eyes. I found myself in this slow motion vortex actually taking what was happening around me, in the club, on board..

I am almost 40, well almost 38 which is kinda close and when I hit 35 it felt like it was just around the corner, now I feel younger than I did 5yrs ago.. I have been a mother for 18yrs, and I still have a 3yr old to get through, I'm a size 16, I bear the scars of pregnancy and childbirth, my eyes crinkle at the sides when I smile and I've found a number of grey hairs.. I have been the recipient of numerous long term relationships, some emotionally and physically abusive, some amazing but fast fading, some even boring enough to make me walk away.. I have had thousands of friendships along the way, some I am lucky enough to still keep and cherish and grow, I have had innumerable hours dressing up and down and standing in front of mirrors making myself acceptably beautiful to everyone else's standards, even on those days when I just wanted to be me and throw on a hoodie and pair of jeans and cons and chill the f*@k out on my couch like a total sloth, I have travelled and worked jobs and ridden many a car Into the ground, I have studied and learnt, I have failed and I have won beyond measure, in fact I have already had such a full life I'd need to blog twice just to give you a dot point idea.. And it's only now I am beginning to recognise it's value..

I stood in that club looking at these "kids" these people filled with that youthful elixir called the teens and twenties, and to be honest they were a fairly miserable crowd, albeit drunk and a little out of control but they were miserable and it showed.. The girls literally blew my mind with the concentration and effort they required in being mindful that their short skirts and dresses needed consistent pulling down.. When I say 'the girls' I am being quite literal in saying, yes pretty much 95% of them were so incredibly conscious of this one thing they would stop mid walk, mid dance, mid conversation, mid laugh just to recalibrate the bare skin to skirt length ratios.. There was a lot of NOT being in the moment, and being aware of this boy or that girl, of those shoes or dance moves the list goes on, that no one actually seemed to be having a genuinely good time.. 

What I realised is when I say good time now in comparison to how I felt at that age its a whole world of different.. Yeah sure I could lose 20kgs and my clothes might be a little daggy and I laugh a little too loud and my music taste is fairly trashy and has no relationship with what is considered cool today, but I love my life.. I stood there with my friends and realised I was trying to impress no one, I like myself, I didn't care if there was anyone looking or watching or judging.. I didn't care that whilst everyone else had high heeled white plastic sandals on I had on boots (which I might add are very comfortable and those horrible bloody sandals need to be outlawed, trash bagging, bogan central, I may as well be in moccies, plastic foot attire)..

I went through a stage in my 30's where I was worried and scared of getting older and looking toward the future with fear and loathing instead of looking at my current life and where I am at emotionally and recognise that I may be a lot older and bigger but I'm also a lot wiser and happier, I've never looked so good and it's because my outer life matches my inner life.. I'm not totally sure where I am going yet but I'm fairly happy with where the journey has lead me so far.. And I am embracing and loving my age because every year I just become a better me..

Just because it has pretty packaging does not mean it isn't messy inside, and in the same breath just because it appears messy doesn't mean it's not tidy and sorted... 40 is my new black and I think it's the one colour I'm going to wear with pride...

Mama, Madly xox

Stepping up!!??

Who put the step before the word Parent!? And what exactly did it mean when they did this!? I like to think it's because it means those of us who have taken on the role of Parenting someone else's child are "stepping up" into this role. A role we do not need to step up into nor do we have to place merit in yet through love and appreciation of our partners or even the children themselves we chose to.. We chose to step up to when taking them on board we also take on their children, we take on 'all' of them..

'Step-parenting' gets such a bum wrap on a fairly consistent level, do you know why!? Because it sucks, being a SP is bloody hard work, and generally unrecognised let alone rewarded.. We step up, we hand up, we give up and yet rarely is it enough.. We are always in the "you are not my mum/dad" category even if we are opening our soft and squidgey hearts to these miniature beasts who have the ability to love or hate us (or both in the same breath).. We consistently sit on the threshold of the parenting dog house when exercising our let's call it "Adult authority" shall we, because most of the time even after years of trying to exercise the 'parental' rule we either get the look, the attitude or the 'don't even go there' talk and that's just by our partner, because they cannot give up the leadership role and will not always agree with your methods even if they are right.. The step-child or SC in question is a whole other level of hell in this equation.

Don't get me wrong I am/have been a step parent for 10yrs and have done so with a loving open heart, a fairly equal opportunity parenting household (I parented, he played.. Our own warped version of good cop, bad cop) and have a fruitful loving relationship with my step daughter, hell she even chose to live with me because we get along so well..

It's the times and the moments people don't see or recognise that take their toll on SP's, the energy we expend to create a loving environment the child feels welcomed in, a space of their own, the occasional 'I will buy that for you in the act of bribery so you like me just a little bit more but if you were my own child no way would you be so spoilt' moments, the arguments we chose to not have with our partners, the battles we chose not to fight, the intimacy we lose in our relationships just by having this third party in our lives even though we have chosen it, our partners not backing us because their child comes first even when they are blatantly wrong or the drama we unwittingly create if we step the wrong way and it is not appreciated by the child &/or parent and don't even get me started in the "other" mother/father or other parent=OP.. 

Actually I shouldn't say other as you will never be the SC's mother or father, you will always be second best even if you have brought them up and given them everything there is always the threat of the OP.. Even if the OP was the worlds worst parent they will always sit that little higher than you on the throne.. You and the OP will never agree totally, that's if you talk at all, and moments of truce and solidarity will be overrun by 'he said, she said' moments especially when kids are growing up and becoming teenagers and drama is their second nature because let's face it, teenagers be they your own or anyone else's are arseholes..

 It's even worse if you don't have your own kids to add to the melting pot and you are taking them on blindsided, because then in everyone who is looking in on your relationship, if they don't have a running verbal commentary about how you have no idea what your doing their eyes say it with sparkling pleasure.. You can and more often than not do no right, step-parents = the unsung heroes, I really hope you know how to drink....

The scenario gets even more convoluted when you and your partner decide "Hey you have one or three and I have one or three why don't we cement this and have one together"... It's like using cement glue to stick together quicksand.. If it's done to 'create' a family unit it never, and I mean never works.. If it's done as a natural progression then it is always a lovely addition but there will always be a slight energetic shift in how we treat and love yours, mine and ours... I am talking from experience.. We don't mean for it to happen, it just does and even when we recognise and break the cycle and chose equal rights and treatments for all child units involved in these mixed family scenarios, it does on occasion sneak back in and the issue has to be readdressed again and again and again and well you get me.. You can feel like your on a treadmill at times and it is on a steep incline..

 I really do know what I'm talking about, I have lived this first hand and as much as it wears me out I also would not have it any other way.. I have a mixed bag, my kids are like a lucky dip, they aren't all mine and I never know what I am going to get.. It is seriously hard work but I love my kids even the ones that are not 'of' me.. SP's are also blessed everyday, with the ability to know the love of a child that they didn't not create, of having chubby and even grown arms go around our necks, emotion filled "I Love You's", the sleeping faces and the tuck in's, the laughing crazy moments filled with joy and happiness and even the moments when the SC who has left the building due to seperation walks through the door throws themselves on the couch in complete knowing that they are welcome because it is and always will be 'home' and says "I walked over here because I felt like it and I wanted to see you", and then promptly ignores you like all parent/child relationships.. It's that moment there that makes you realise not only did you get it right but I really was all worth it..

I don't know if it's a step up or out but if you take that step, that leap of faith, you will be rewarded in the most beautiful of ways.. With love.

Mama, Madly xox

Of all the virtues patience sucks the big one. ..

Do you ever feel like like you are waiting, for something, for nothing, for anything?? For the moment when your world magically joins all the dots together and your future can begin... You know because nothing speaks of a grown up, mature future more than a dot-to-dot. Like some carefully connected kindergarten picture that shows at the core, a story beginning to form, even though it is child like and rather jagged at the edges..

Well I for one am calling it!!! Bullshit!! Who and when and why was it decided that to move comfortably and rationally forward in our lives one must not only be patient, but as a virtue it must be worn with that kind of selfless wounded soldier pride that makes much in romantic movies but makes me want to do that fingers down the throat, eye rolling, vomit action of pubescent boys who havn't a mature bone in their body.. It makes me sick, really sick, in a kind of self loathing yet 'I hate people' satirical fashion that people always seem to be waiting, me included, for some magic moment to arrive so they can 'begin'... Waiting for the right job, the right partner, to lose weight, to grow hair, to grow balls, to leave a partner, to marry a partner, to stand up for oneself, to have babies, to get married, to travel, to stop travelling, to be in the moment, to stop living in the past, to start living in the now, or my favourite waiting on someone else, arghhh, the list is never ending....


Patience is not my strongest point, on any level, but it is something I have been working on for years.. I'm not saying it doesn't help one cruise a little smoother through the bowels of life when you find yourself surrounded by all the shit that comes with adulthood, I am also not saying it doesn't make those life affirming, loving, living, sweet moments, that much more saccharine sweet and fluffy, but It surely isn't the answer to how to live your life??


Maybe I am over-zealous, rebellious, immature and incapable of making choices based on rationality. Maybe I like the feeling of freedom, of choice or jumping straight in.. Sometimes I jump straight from the frying pan into the fire but atleast I know I'm still alive! I don't always think I make the best choices but I like to think I go with my gut. Sometimes an intuitive choice is so far from patience that they could be on different sides of the universe, speaking languages neither understands and you choose the scary option, the one that might be wrong but how else will you know. I've done that a lot in my life, but I've lived to tell the tale, and I've managed to raise three pretty great kids who also seem to be thriving.. So who knows hey.... 


I wish sometimes we could all throw caution to the wind and just do what we want to do, but on a deeper level I also know, that choice, like much else is an umbrella term. It has so many variables attached to it that sometimes its hard to move in any direction. This truly is when patience is our greatest virtue, knowing of change, needing the change, wanting the change but being unable to step into it for fear of all the variables.. Being an adult is hard enough, no one ever said anything about virtues and variables and choices and dot-to-dots!!!!


I'm at a point where I don't want to wait anymore, I will, but I don't want too.. I don't think it's impatience of sorts, I more believe its damn well knowing what I do and don't deserve, and I know atleast two dozen other people who are waking up to this realisation as well.. Maybe it's my age, maybe I'm just an impatient bitch and a leopard never changes it's spots.. Is this post completely contradictory?? Of course it is, I'm a human being, we are all about angles and emotion and contradiction no matter what we want anyone to believe... 


I read a quote the other day by F.Scott Fitzgerald "Why don't you tell me that 'if the girl had been worth having she'd have waited for you'? No, sir, the girl really worth having won't wait for anybody.” and funnily enough it gave me some life perspective... I get him, Fitzy and I are buds, we have the same groove. We'd give each other the silent, across the room nod, if we could, and I believe this saying with every fibre of my being, about everything.. Nothing worth losing is worth waiting for, and we should grasp at it with both hands, because sometimes in the waiting process we forget not only what it is we are waiting for we also forget why or even worse, what we are waiting for morphs into something else or moves on and nothing ever comes of it anyway..


That is, almost everything.. Something's are worth waiting for, even a lifetime for, even without the knowledge that eventually the dots will join and your patience has paid off.. More often than not I say jump, but sometimes when there is something so worthy of time it transcends it, then it is time how to learn to dance.. And dance with you patience will, It may take rhythm you do not have and steps you have not acquired, but what is time when patience is your partner??

Just remember even Fred Astaire slipped on occasion, and that's ok too :)

Mama, Madly xox