I spent my weekend speaking to one of my oldest friends.. He is a kindred beyond what many find in a single lifetime and we spoke on every subject that engaged our souls in that moment.. there was a lot of laughter and joy in that conversation but there was depth that only people who really get each other have and it allowed us to delve into areas easily and simply that most only skim the surfaces of, without judgement or trying to change or fix or bend the others thoughts or will...
A slow burning spark has been ignited and fueled itself into an inferno I can no longer contain. Something that has been brewing and ruminating in me at a core level for many years but I have not as yet been able to connect the dots until now has finally shown it's hand. He said something that inspired me and opened up a chasm of self talk and belief that I had just always accepted. We were talking about relationships and he made an observation "All of these men who compliment you, it's not real, they don't really know you" or words to that effect. We then went on to talk about relationships in general and how you don't go looking for them they just happen, he said don't look, the right one will just happen. I understand this way of thinking. I've lived and breathed it and I believe it on a deep level, however I no longer subscribe to it the way I once did. Do not get me wrong I will allow relationships to just happen, I am not closed off to them, but I will allow them to happen if I want them to. I will allow them with personal permission, if they are going to be real and mindful and mutually supportive and inspiring, but I will no longer participate in something just because I should feel 'flattered'....
There is a deep seeded unrest in society at the moment and to simplify it, it stems from Women wanting there to be equal rights to their safety. To really delve into it women have started to really question their place in society, to understand that we do not have the freedoms that men do, something that men will never understand because it is not their experience. We live every moment of every day watching what we say and do and living in a state of fear. Society has not changed since neolithic days we just dress better and move around in flashier ways but we still ascribe to a neanderthal society. It astounds me that men are not waking up to this more and more every day too, finding accountability in behaviours they learnt as kids when they didn't know better. But we do now. We need to put this into action.
Females derive their worth and likeability of how they can be of service to others, especially their men. It is lovely I believe to want to give to your partner however more often than not it see's our own needs fade into the background and the power play, albeit unknowingly by a majority of men, plays itself out every single day. Don't be too loud, don't be too needy, don't be too demanding, don't be too dependent, too independent, too sensitive, too hard, be less crass, be more ladylike, be more sexy, be less slutty, be sexual, be nice. In todays day and age of dating, we are given so many misconstrued and conflicting ways to be, I don't think men let alone women realise this is such a deep seeded behavioural pattern. It puts women at risk every single day and it stops them from speaking. It starts with men saying one thing and behaving another way and then shaming a woman when she dares question it. Women aren't meant to speak of such things, or say no, or ask for respect, or not feel obligated to respond or pay back, they aren't meant to air their dirty laundry, they aren't meant to shine a spotlight on these issues. I am not blaming men. I love men. In fact most of my best friends are men. I am blaming learnt behaviour. That is outdated.
I
stated on my private social media page the other in response to the national
enquiry and movement at the moment regarding rape, abuse and sexualisation of
women "Take your not All Men bullshit elsewhere. I know not all Men. I
know some amazing Men. I also have met some despicable grubby misogynistic
excuses for Men. Women know not all men, but when most Women have been
subjected to an act of violence by a man we understand the capacity is there.
And we change our movements, behaviours, words, dress code and our freedoms to
ensure that we are not affected [....] by these."
I do not digress, hear me out, these issues are vastly different but also one in the same, just ask any Woman! Girls are taught from a very young age to be good. To be a good girl is to be accepting. And so we spiral through life just accepting relationships and uncomfortability and self loathing when we allow others to walk over us and instead of speaking up about it. We bury it and we live with it burning holes inside us. Good girls don't feel or need or desire, good girls are good, so be good, and we will like you.
What he said was right. Generally relationships just happen, but from a women's perspective who has adhered to being a "good girl" I was always of the mindset that if a boy or as I grew, a man, liked me I should be flattered. On some level I actually stopped looking at whether or not I truly liked him and just sat in the warm fuzzy glow that someone liked me. Factually? this is why most relationships do not work. They just happen. Without thought. We find someone who likes us and maybe we like them back a little, something that given time might only be a friendship of sorts however we fall into situationships without mindfulness. We don't step back and assess if this is a person we would actually choose, it's just that they happen to be in our hemisphere offering what it is we think we are looking for and because we are good girls with manners we should accept it graciously. We don't stop and assess if they are what WE are looking for. If they are healthy for us, or have the same value system or meet us spiritually, intellectually, ethically, sexually and physically in the middle.
We don't wait and sit in patience for the truth of who they are and what they bring to the table to unfold. Both men and women are guilty of this. This is a relationship issue not just a woman issue. We as a society need to start practising mindfulness when it comes to relationships or we all end leaving a trail of destruction behind us because we run on auto pilot never questioning why we do what we do or are with the people we are with. If anything we need to step fully into mindful awareness of our actions.
Why do we do this? because we are all so hungry to be filled up to the brim with feelings of being wanted and adored and loved we forget we need to be all those things first before we can even think of inviting someone to stand beside us in the fire. Both men and woman again guilty of this.
But from my perspective and chatting to my female friends about it, as a girl? a good girl? a nice girl? the amount of times I have said yes to men entering my life when I should have said no or take it slow or can we be friends, has been more often that not a truth from a very young age. But I was nice and kind and kept quiet when they stepped outside of boundaries, or they dismissed my needs or wants or feelings. And I never even questioned why I just sat in acceptance of it, which I know know is literal societal learned behaviour of what we are told as both men and women our roles should be. By elders, media, peers, kin. However I'm waking up now, and I know for a fact I am not alone.. still I can only speak as a woman for women.
It has taken me a lot of years to see through the facade, and some of the serious issues I have discussed here have not happened to me, and some have, but I can see how Good Girl Syndrome has spiraled out of control. It has created a society where things like this become a some what norm that is unspoken about, shelved, shoved away, not addressed. Why? because even as young girls we are taught that when boys are mean to us it means they like us. As we grow we are taught to be good girls. And then as relationships start to find their space in our lives we just allow them to happen without mindfulness and coming from a good girl space..
I know this is heavy, I know this is long, but it is most women's story. And this talks about really serious things but also just smaller realisations of how we wander through relationships, the thing is however they are all entwined.. Whether we are not speaking up about wants and needs, or not speaking up about more serious abuses and sexual discriminations and assaults, they all have an underlying factor behind them. Most women are taught to be good girls, and good girls are taught to not speak. This issue is vast and deep and hits all women on every level. I know we are starting to see it for what it is but we have so far to go, because even now, and I obviously only speak for women, we have all be told over and over and over that good girls shouldn't.
Well I am here to tell you that in my world personally, I will be breaking that generational cycle from this moment forward. Because whilst good girls don't do that, I have realised that they absolutely should. Stand up and be counted ladies. You are important and you should be seen and heard.
I can be a good girl still but I finally know that I should not have to DO that, always be "good" and trust me I definitely fucking will (not).. and I will (not) do it with my kindreds, be they men or women who accept me in my entirety, good and bad. Because sometimes good girls go bad in a really good way and that's ok too.
Mana, Madly xo
