Sometimes I am truly, seriously, a really bad friend.. Let's just get that out of the way.
I have 4 parcels in my sewing room.. Four parcels created with love.. Four parcels I have ready to send to some dear friends.. Lovely friends.. Kind, understanding, sweet natured friends.. Four parcels that have been waiting to be sent for the better part of a year and yet they still sit there.. Am I remiss? You bet your arse I am..
I'm not an unkind person, I am not malicious and I would never intentionally hurt anybody's feelings. In fact in the friendship department I will go above and beyond, if and when I can. I would do anything for you if you are my friend. On one small proviso. You will need to remind me.
You do not need to remind me that we are friends, once I am friends with you it means you have woven a small space in my heart, kept soft and safe and warm just for you. I could go the working, studying single mother one child being Sp.nds route, one Mum two hands three kids and a life totally bereft of time route, but I wont.... I am a work in progress, I will always try my hardest to improve for anyone, myself included.. You do not need to remind me we are friends, you will however on some occasions, be they big or little, need to remind me to be present.
I have apologised and grovelled and shamefully written honourably honest messages or letters or made phone calls owning my shocking behaviour.. I am fortunate enough these days to have a rather large number of old friends, who know me, and know without a doubt that I love them and it is what is in my heart that matters. Not whether I ring weekly or see them fortnightly or do the birthday card thing (which I never do) or like their crap on facebook or remember their children's names and ages because frankly I sometimes find it hard to remember my own..
A long time ago I realised that I am forgetful. My brain is a heaving mess of thought and unspoken word, I see everything and file and date and picturise events as they happen, no matter how insignificant they may seem.. I am the girl who wears clothes inside out, who stops mid sentence because I've forgotten my train of thought, who can miss even the most important of appointments unless it written in three different places and alarmed in my phone to go off at ten minute intervals within the few hours beforehand. I am so in the moment sometimes that 10minutes ago feels like yesterday, and 5pm is happening in 2hrs isn't it, until I realise it's actually hit 7pm and dinner should have been and gone.. In saying all of this, I am a bit of a walking contradiction, when I have it, I have it down pat. I am Superwoman, She-God, creator and finisher of daily tasks, an archetypical cape flowing behind me as my accomplishments shine like the sun itself..
I find it laughable in a "Fuck I am so ridiculously hopeless I want to laugh and cry all at once" panic/bile rising in my throat kind of way, to admit that even on occasion I have forgotten to pick my children up on time from school. I have found myself racing in the car 2minutes before the bell is to ring at their school a 5minute drive away.. I find myself reading messages and forgetting to respond, or believing I have even if I only did it in my head and did not actually follow through with the act itself. I open mail or emails and am unable to repeat the contents a short period later.. I consistently find myself nearly without petrol or having forgotten my wallet, lunch, phone or keys.. I can do one thing at a time, I get easily distracted and sometimes I need to limit what I am doing or I lose myself in people and things.. And then, I can juggle a dozen things the next day..
If I could caricature myself it would fuzzy hair, all amiss, skewiff glasses, wrong buttons done up on a blouse and a completely dumfounded look up my face, with a slight undertone of "Oh shit!".. I think it truly is possible that my attention span is that of a goldfish, but it does not mean I do not love or appreciate my friends.. The thought of hurting people's feelings does me in and it makes me feel consistently terrible almost daily, but it does not make my brain get it's proverbial collective shit together.. I can be concentrating and bam out of the corner of my eye something catches my attention and that is it, It is done. My brain has escaped and it was last seen heading south at a rapid pace, slowly gathering speed..
I think the word for people like me is harebrained (although I call it fairly normal).. And I just wanted to say to all my harebrained sister's (and brother's) out there, you are not alone.. I may not remember you or remember to acknowledge you or remember to try to remember you, but we are cut from the same cloth, and I get it.. I don't remember how to get back to the start and begin again, and although this race sometimes feels like the tortoise and the hare, and I look like I am going round in circles, I will eventually get there. You would find it hard to believe I truly am a tortoise at heart and maybe I might possibly kinda see you in the future at some stage, but as fare as harebrained goes, I totally get it..
You and I? We ARE bad friends, but that's ok.. As long as it's work in progress hopeless never has the last word, and the one's who really see your heart? They know it will never forget them even if it thinks it has.. xx
Mama, Madly xo
