The other day my friend asked me advice on love... He just does not understand women..
Well, He thinks he doesn't.. I think he does, but he chooses not to see.. I think it's not always that men don't understand women or vice-versa, I think that it's both women and men do not understand Love..
I'm not claiming to be a guru, I have as much of no idea as everyone else, and just as many failures and wins, but I do understand travel and journeys and destinations... Love is pretty much the same, and easier to understand anyway in any analogy that takes the 'feeling' out of it lest it hurt your heart..
Here's what i said to him;
Relationships are like trains at stations, we hold onto a train at our 'station' that is not actually the right train for us. It won't take us where we want to go, cannot house us on our journey comfortably and we hold on so goddamn tight because we WANT it to be the right train that we can't see we have not only blocked our station, there's no room for our RIGHT train to enter.. The right train who's sitting just outside the platform, patiently waiting their turn to enter into our station, unable to do so because we won't let the wrong train move on....
Now, I didn't make this up, I heard this many moons ago, spoken by a very wise woman who is world renowned and published and in all honesty a bit of a bloody legend..
Anyway, it took me a very long time to understand this concept.. Oh I understood it, but I just didn't 'GET' it.. Getting it takes time.. I think when it comes to love, real love, true love, It can almost feel like you are drowning.. Especially if you've never really felt that strength in your heart before for another.. Its like being out of your depth in the deep end of the pool, and you panic.. You feel like you're struggling to stay afloat and not drown either in the depths of new love, or out of control old love that's hit choppy waters. You grasp and thrash and the relationship or other person feels like they are drowning with you.. My advice??? Let go, take a breath, stop panicking, don't forget when drowning one rolls over on their back QUIETLY without grasping and just floats, just IS,, so let go!! because your panic and control is ruining it for you, and if you let go you might actually keep it alive..
You see Love is about trust.. It's hard to just 'TRUST' the process, but trust you must.. What will be will be, if you're meant to be with him or her you will be, no amount of pushing or pulling it, tugging or suffocating or trying to control it will change it.. Destiny has control so just let it be and trust.. It may fall apart to fall back together properly.. And if it doesn't work it's because something better needs you to make the room for it to enter.. We never think when a relationship breaks down we will be happy again, but fact is we always are, because what comes along or sticks around serves us better, suits us better and if we get the train concept is normally going where we actually want to go, with someone who actually wants to go there with us..
Well that's my take on it anyway.. I never said it was easy though..
Toot, toot..
Mama, Madly...
Today my son, just shy of 16, and I went on an adventure..
I am a great Mama, I am a bad mama, whatever the world wants to see, I am his Mama, and he is my baby bear..
Today my biggest boy Zaine and I went and got inked.. Arrrgghhhh, I hear so silently coming from those that judge, oohhhh I see in the eyes of those that parent carefully and to the confines of society's right and wrong labels, Aha with a hint of a smile is what I hear from those that know me, know us, and know our story.. Our path.. And know that I of all people dance to the beat of my own drum and want my kids to be free within the rythym of their souls too..
When Zaine was 5, he told me he was going to have a tattoo like me {I have a few tatts, at that time quite a large new filigree art deco design across my back} obviously being a Mama, I kinda brushed it off, I told him he had to wait till 16ish, we pinky swore, I would let him ~ Well he remembered and he held me to it... I know I'm very liberal and lots of people will tut and ho-hum, but this was OUR journey and I don't give a shit what anybody thinks hey.. lol
Before my {nearly} 6yr old Eamon came along, It was team 'US' for years, Zaine was nearly 10 when Eamon was born and after his fathers and my relationship broke down we had been alone for a few years.. We rocked out in our own little world, that just cruised with love, laughter and ease.. We had lots of adventures and had such an amazing relationship and then (not being horrible, just the reality of it) but with a new relationship, Eamon {bless my beautiful boy} then came along and life got so terribly complicated, having 20 odd strokes at 3wks old, severe epilepsy, told for two years he was going to die and then the trials and tribulations of consistent care of a child with Hemiplegic Cerebral Palsy and eventually an austism/aspergers diagnosis.. I became quite absent, not through want or need, but rather precariously on the edge of a life or death situation, that had my heart in its clutches..
Zaine was and has been so amazing but must have felt so lost and alone on occasion, because I had so much going on he didnt get the attention and time he deserved or was used to.. And I was so stuck in 'Just DO, and auto-pilot, and grief' I found it hard to even be present in myself let alone the energy for anything or anyone else, .. I had become a shadow of his former Mum, and I could feel him slipping away, team 'US' slipping away and it broke my heart, my heart and soul, but I did not know how to fix it.. In saying that, we are close, we lost it for a while but we got it back, and we are still so really close.. I try to make time to have convo's or even just 'time' with him everyday, even just 5mins.. I literally run down the hall {he hears me coming and laughs and ducks and rolls his eyes in anticipation and feigned annoyance} and I throw myself on his bed.. In between annoying him and poking him and occassionally doing my version of the Melbourne shuffle/bum dance on his bed, we have deep talks, that are outside the borders of teenage boy grunting and we smile.. I scruff his uber cool hair and we are all good.. We remember..
So I guess to everyone else our Tattoo's may symbolise bad parenting, way too liberal, way too easy, way too whatever they may decide they think they know what this to be.. But to 'US', this is just a reminder of our unbreakable 'eternal' bond and how much we do love each other as Mama & Son.. I have the, 'Love', it gives him the 'Strength' and it just is 'US'.. It's a reminder that underneath it all we are still the little boy playing with his beloved Toy Story figurines, sitting on his Mama's back tracing her new tattoo saying "Mummy I love your art, I want to have one like you one day, We can get matching one's together.. Lets get infinity and beyond".. We love our kids always and forever, Im happy for him to have something to remind him of that everyday ;))
Do not judge the story if you've only read the blurb..
Mama, Madly.. ♥
Am I the only one who finds winter, dull and dreary and miserable.. It completely depresses and overrides any need or want I have to do anything...
I have got so much to do, everyday, and yet the cold wet weather hits and I become the same, in mind and spirit.. I become winters miserable mistress and it knocks the wind out of my sails faster than you can say 'Hot Chocolate'..
I adore putting on thick socks & gumboots and my beanie and scarf collection is out of control, I love opening umbrella's and jumping in puddles and winter walking with my kiddies, looking at the wonders that rain and cold weather bring.. I love Ugg boots and hot chocolate and snuggles on my granny blanketed couches watching kids/romantic comedies and just enjoying our "lazy, homely, family" days.. Winter really is so beautiful, but It makes me sad.. Or should I say S.A.D....
Seasonal Affective Disorder.. or SAD.. When it gets cold and the sun stops shining so much and the lack of Vit.D and ultraviolet rays makes receptors in your brain register differently,, on can come slight depression because our hormones aren't stimulated and we do not produce enough melatonin or some whoooo-haa like that.. Whatever, that's my completely 'scientific' take on it, but my Blaise take is; Its winter and as much as I love it once the cold hits my bones and the sun has gone down before I've gotten all my 'stuff' done and it's rained for a day and a half and the warmth of the sun hasn't touched my face then I don't only get sad, I get grumpy and sometimes a little bit like the grinch.. I moan and groan, and generally get absolutely sweet amounts of nothing done!! Does anyone else get this or am I hiding behind a good excuse for lazy..??? ;))
I know the way to treat sad is with light therapy which is costly, hmmm, I have considered standing over my desk lamp and holding my eyelids open over the bulb, but not only do I think that, that wont cut it, I'm sure to have an eyeball / burn moment that I'd really rather not..
I think instead I'm going to create a 'Paradise' room in my house, fake blow up palm tree's, lots of pina colada non-alcoholic drinks {because much like the bathroom and toilet if I go in there my kids will want and demand to come too}.. Then again maybe that's exactly why alcohol is needed!! I could just break out some old Beach Boy records, hook up an extra heater, drape a few sarongs around, dump a bag of sand on the floor and wear a Lei or ten..
Yeah, I know, I know, it 'aint gonna work' but a girl can dream can't she.. I'm being a whinger, I'll be the same in the boiling heat of our ridiculously hot lung burning summer, but I just want to feel my fingers when I type goddamn it.. I also would like to get up and actually 'want' to do something, anything, everything.. Bring on the warmth baby.. That summer & sunshine is the therapy I need.. It's time to shut the umbrella and shove the gummies to the back of the cupboard, well it feels like its time anyway.. I will miss it when it's gone but..
As Nat King Cole said, 'Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer'..
Love Love
Mama, Madly...
