Love me, love me not..

I always read that quote about there being 3x Loves or three people we meet in our life and I always ponder, did the writer or the people that quote relates to really live in those loves so completely or did they barely live in those spaces at all.

The reason i consistently question this is because I myself have had many heartfelt connections, many times when a meeting of souls or minds happened. I have had or felt deeply about 8x loves over the last 30yrs.. And I say love, but factually they weren't all love.. they did teach me a whole lot about love though and for that I am grateful.

The first one, my first love, taught me that I could have feelings for another person outside of my tribe that were almost fathomless with the depth of them, this is the person who taught me about love, they also taught me how sometimes love can also bring pain and heartache.

The second love taught me that friendship is a large slice of the love equation, but not enough to sustain it.

The third love gave me the gift of learning about love in another human being, bringing life into this world and realising our hearts can exist outside our bodies. It taught me sometimes we can grow with someone and take different paths and love becomes not only different in want and need but it becomes Indifference also.

The fourth love taught me physicality does not equal feeling and sometimes love can pretend to be there and hold people in stasis, stuck together in habit rather than a connect because 'we should do what's right for the children' became a norm when really it was toxic and unhealthy for everyone. This love taught me you can chose your family, and you can chose your love and sometimes none of them are the same thing, and sometimes you are best off without them all no matter what we are taught in school or on the street.

The fifth love taught me sometimes we can break our own hearts when we walk away from what is right because we do not want to allow it time to unfold on its own so we believe it is wrong, it teaches us about patience and lost chances. And hope that we have learnt lessons and grown enough to never take anything like that for granted again.

The sixth love taught me that someone can give you a box of darkness, filled with their own rage and hate and violence and project that onto you until you learn the art of self worth and recognise you are the light and their shadow was never worthy of you then or holding onto any of it into the future. You learn that sometimes hate pretends to be love and fairytales are not real. Some loves do not look upon you as love, just something to stand on so they do not drown in their own filth and muck, not caring if you yourself drown. This love taught me that sometimes someone's self loathing and violence is in fact the very component on which you will build a platform from which you learn to fly.

The seventh love is the love I believed would be forever, when I had been stripped of everything and they had come in to help me rebuild, offering me the world. Offering me forever in what was bare because I had stripped it of all it was before. They offered me hope after the hopeless. This love taught me even well intentioned love cannot flourish when it is grounded in its own mire and its own past. It can if allowed, destroy you and your entire world you had just started rebuilding without meaning to, never realising the destruction left behind. 

This love taught me like the phoenix you will rise from the ashes and you will begin again, slowly, but surely, you are stronger than you ever believed possible and after you have finally been stripped of all the emotional overflow of every other "love" you've ever gone through, this love will gift you a blank slate, a fresh perspective and timid but very strong heart.

Now for the last love. The eigth love. I don't know what this love is. This love is yet to come. There is hope for this love. But there is patience too. This is the last love, the one that won't settle for less love, the meet me in the middle, in the fire, as my equal love. And maybe I will meet this love soon or maybe never, and maybe this love is simply me on my own finally loving myself. 

All I know is this eighth love? This last love? This one, this is the big love. The forever growing old on the Verandah love. And when I find it, it will last. If it had not been for the layers of love and other abominations already experienced then I would never have learnt what love means. 

I want you to look back, on all your loves and be grateful for the lessons, because sometimes if we are to build a sustainable future of love what we need to learn is not what love is, but what love is not.

Mama, Madly xx

Good girls don't do that! But they should...

I spent my weekend speaking to one of my oldest friends.. He is a kindred beyond what many find in a single lifetime and we spoke on every subject that engaged our souls in that moment.. there was a lot of laughter and joy in that conversation but there was depth that only people who really get each other have and it allowed us to delve into areas easily and simply that most only skim the surfaces of, without judgement or trying to change or fix or bend the others thoughts or will...

A slow burning spark has been ignited and fueled itself into an inferno I can no longer contain. Something that has been brewing and ruminating in me at a core level for many years but I have not as yet been able to connect the dots until now has finally shown it's hand. He said something that inspired me and opened up a chasm of self talk and belief that I had just always accepted. We were talking about relationships and he made an observation "All of these men who compliment you, it's not real, they don't really know you" or words to that effect. We then went on to talk about relationships in general and how you don't go looking for them they just happen, he said don't look, the right one will just happen. I understand this way of thinking. I've lived and breathed it and I believe it on a deep level, however I no longer subscribe to it the way I once did. Do not get me wrong I will allow relationships to just happen, I am not closed off to them, but I will allow them to happen if I want them to. I will allow them with personal permission, if they are going to be real and mindful and mutually supportive and inspiring, but I will no longer participate in something just because I should feel 'flattered'....

There is a deep seeded unrest in society at the moment and to simplify it, it stems from Women wanting there to be equal rights to their safety. To really delve into it women have started to really question their place in society, to understand that we do not have the freedoms that men do, something that men will never understand because it is not their experience. We live every moment of every day watching what we say and do and living in a state of fear. Society has not changed since neolithic days we just dress better and move around in flashier ways but we still ascribe to a neanderthal society. It astounds me that men are not waking up to this more and more every day too, finding accountability in behaviours they learnt as kids when they didn't know better. But we do now. We need to put this into action.

Females derive their worth and likeability of how they can be of service to others, especially their men. It is lovely I believe to want to give to your partner however more often than not it see's our own needs fade into the background and the power play, albeit unknowingly by a majority of men, plays itself out every single day. Don't be too loud, don't be too needy, don't be too demanding, don't be too dependent, too independent, too sensitive, too hard, be less crass, be more ladylike, be more sexy, be less slutty, be sexual, be nice. In todays day and age of dating, we are given so many misconstrued and conflicting ways to be, I don't think men let alone women realise this is such a deep seeded behavioural pattern. It puts women at risk every single day and it stops them from speaking. It starts with men saying one thing and behaving another way and then shaming a woman when she dares question it. Women aren't meant to speak of such things, or say no, or ask for respect, or not feel obligated to respond or pay back, they aren't meant to air their dirty laundry, they aren't meant to shine a spotlight on these issues. I am not blaming men. I love men. In fact most of my best friends are men. I am blaming learnt behaviour. That is outdated. 

I stated on my private social media page the other in response to the national enquiry and movement at the moment regarding rape, abuse and sexualisation of women "Take your not All Men bullshit elsewhere. I know not all Men. I know some amazing Men. I also have met some despicable grubby misogynistic excuses for Men. Women know not all men, but when most Women have been subjected to an act of violence by a man we understand the capacity is there. And we change our movements, behaviours, words, dress code and our freedoms to ensure that we are not affected [....] by these."

I do not digress, hear me out, these issues are vastly different but also one in the same, just ask any Woman! Girls are taught from a very young age to be good. To be a good girl is to be accepting. And so we spiral through life just accepting relationships and uncomfortability and self loathing when we allow others to walk over us and instead of speaking up about it. We bury it and we live with it burning holes inside us. Good girls don't feel or need or desire, good girls are good, so be good, and we will like you.

What he said was right. Generally relationships just happen, but from a women's perspective who has adhered to being a "good girl" I was always of the mindset that if a boy or as I grew, a man, liked me I should be flattered. On some level I actually stopped looking at whether or not I truly liked him and just sat in the warm fuzzy glow that someone liked me. Factually? this is why most relationships do not work. They just happen. Without thought. We find someone who likes us and maybe we like them back a little, something that given time might only be a friendship of sorts however we fall into situationships without mindfulness. We don't step back and assess if this is a person we would actually choose, it's just that they happen to be in our hemisphere offering what it is we think we are looking for and because we are good girls with manners we should accept it graciously. We don't stop and assess if they are what WE are looking for. If they are healthy for us, or have the same value system or meet us spiritually, intellectually, ethically, sexually and physically in the middle. 

We don't wait and sit in patience for the truth of who they are and what they bring to the table to unfold. Both men and women are guilty of this. This is a relationship issue not just a woman issue. We as a society need to start practising mindfulness when it comes to relationships or we all end leaving a trail of destruction behind us because we run on auto pilot never questioning why we do what we do or are with the people we are with. If anything we need to step fully into mindful awareness of our actions.

Why do we do this? because we are all so hungry to be filled up to the brim with feelings of being wanted and adored and loved we forget we need to be all those things first before we can even think of inviting someone to stand beside us in the fire. Both men and woman again guilty of this.

But from my perspective and chatting to my female friends about it, as a girl? a good girl? a nice girl? the amount of times I have said yes to men entering my life when I should have said no or take it slow or can we be friends, has been more often that not a truth from a very young age. But I was nice and kind and kept quiet when they stepped outside of boundaries, or they dismissed my needs or wants or feelings. And I never even questioned why I just sat in acceptance of it, which I know know is literal societal learned behaviour of what we are told as both men and women our roles should be. By elders, media, peers, kin. However I'm waking up now, and I know for a fact I am not alone.. still I can only speak as a woman for women.

It has taken me a lot of years to see through the facade, and some of the serious issues I have discussed here have not happened to me, and some have, but I can see how Good Girl Syndrome has spiraled out of control. It has created a society where things like this become a some what norm that is unspoken about, shelved, shoved away, not addressed. Why? because even as young girls we are taught that when boys are mean to us it means they like us. As we grow we are taught to be good girls. And then as relationships start to find their space in our lives we just allow them to happen without mindfulness and coming from a good girl space..

I know this is heavy, I know this is long, but it is most women's story. And this talks about really serious things but also just smaller realisations of how we wander through relationships, the thing is however they are all entwined.. Whether we are not speaking up about wants and needs, or not speaking up about more serious abuses and sexual discriminations and assaults, they all have an underlying factor behind them. Most women are taught to be good girls, and good girls are taught to not speak. This issue is vast and deep and hits all women on every level. I know we are starting to see it for what it is but we have so far to go, because even now, and I obviously only speak for women, we have all be told over and over and over that good girls shouldn't.

Well I am here to tell you that in my world personally, I will be breaking that generational cycle from this moment forward. Because whilst good girls don't do that, I have realised that they absolutely should. Stand up and be counted ladies. You are important and you should be seen and heard.

I can be a good girl still but I finally know that I should not have to DO that, always be "good" and trust me I definitely fucking will (not).. and I will (not) do it with my kindreds, be they men or women who accept me in my entirety, good and bad. Because sometimes good girls go bad in a really good way and that's ok too.

Mana, Madly xo

The last laugh...

When I was a teenager I remember my first encounter with Maya Angelou.. She is an amazing writer and "I know why the caged bird sings" spoke volumes to my soul, about repression and the inner workings of the human heart. Not just because she was black or a woman but because she was a person who has been pushed and squished and beaten down, she was not allowed to be who she really was, she was not appreciated and never allowed to shine. She was like most of us. Invisible to those who did not look beyond the surface.

Last night my 10yr old son came to me and told me how the new catchphrase at school to really insult someone is spreading like wildfire. The "R" word according to him is being thrown around like confetti bringing joy to those who use it and a big old mess for the ones it hits and those of us left to clean up the aftermath. He was telling me how every person deemed unworthy by others is currently a "Retard" and how he himself has been called this word. This word that children spray out as insult and that unimaginative adults use daily to describe people or behaviours and think that it is funny. The "R" word, a throw back to when the world was unforgiving of differences and intolerant of anything or anyone who stepped outside the confines of socially acceptable norms.

As my son told me this, whilst he lay on my lap and I stroked his hair and listened to him, how this current trend lays heavy in his heart and he wonders if they are only calling him that, tears welled in my eyes and slowly fell down my cheeks. You see my son is a super hero, he is a survivor, he is unique and amazing and so far from normal its not funny. And I am glad. If he was normal then maybe today he wouldn't be here and I would not have this story to tell. My son survived 20+ strokes and epilepsy and brain damage and he walks and talks and attends mainstream school. Sure, his hand and body doesn't work 100% properly from his Cerebral Palsy and on occasion concepts float above his head that "normal" 10yr old's should understand but he is here when they said he wouldn't be and no other child has ever survived what he has been through. They judge him for not being normal and all I see is the sheer strength of will, the backbone, determination, tenacity and the miracle.

I tried to explain to him, let's call him Superhero, how most people will live their lives in mediocrity because of fear of what others think. Doing nothing and becoming noone, incase people judge their actions and choices. Using words like retard to make others feel bad because in fact something is broken inside of them and they feel badly about themselves. They fear being judged but do so themselves daily.

I explained to Superhero how even at the age of 40 I was ridiculed and shamed and bullied recently by mean spirited women who have many faults of their own and such mediocre unhappy lives, that they obviously have to build themselves up by tearing other women down, no sisterhood here. How they justify their own lack of worth by piling up victims with their hatred and bile so they can stand up high on their "victories".. I explained to him how victory to some is all they need to feel good about themselves when really their victories are loss, because they do not live a free life, they have no happiness in their soul, their bitterness will eat them away.

It dawned on me these are the parents of miniature human beings who are learning how to be big human beings and live in a world of diversity and change. Live in a world that should embrace difference and stepping outside the box as bravery and heroism. These children are being shaped and moulded by parents who would throw each other under the bus to get a societal leg up on the popularity ladder.
As we talked and I stroked his hair more silent tears fell at the injustices of human behaviour and people's need to feed on others to fill themselves up.

I am a cups half full person because I truly believe what you give out you will get back. Trust me my life has been to Shitsville more times than I can count and I have and do know struggle, but whilst others bitch and moan and drown in whatever life throws at them I choose not to. I just get on with it, with a smile, and good things come to me all the time even if it's not perfect. This has set me up for petty judgements, jealousies and pure meangirl vitriol, I think because I can still smile even when others wouldn't. The fact is I continue dancing to the beat of my own drum and my life is good.

I explained to Superhero how the joke was really on them because deep down inside they are dark and miserable and have no joy. How true wealth is about what you see and feel and experience, how what you bring to the table can not only feed you but also others, and how when you give out kindness and joy your heart will refill with it so in reality you can never lose at life..

Did a part of me want to tell him, this Superhero, how those kids are arseholes and they probably have miserable lives with even more miserable parents, did I want to drop the C-bomb and slap all of them across the head because I honestly just do not understand the lack of empathy and humanity that is glaringly not present here, of course I did. So much. But we teach our children how to human and so I taught him about respect, of himself and others and how the travesty of a fear filled life can create emotional vampires.

I taught my 10yr old Superhero, who has more worth in his little finger than most people have in their entire lives, how rising above them altogether with a smile will feed his own soul and attract more of the same. I explained to him that people like that are unworthy of his time or energy yet still worthy of compassion without buying into it, and sadly I also explained that just like I went through, sometimes these children stay like this throughout adulthood and the best revenge is to really live, without worrying what anybody else really thinks of you. I taught him bullies are just jealous and only win when they manage to suck the energy out of you that you would otherwise use to give joy to yourself and others. They only want you to be as miserable as they are, so do not let them win.

To anyone different who is comfortable in their own skin, who doesn't need to stand on others to lift themselves up and spreads joy to all, you keep on rocking it, this life thing.. because superheroes come in all shapes, sizes and forms and god knows this world needs you.

Why does the caged bird sing? Because it has a song. And what is the difference between having a song or no song at all whether you are in a cage or not? Freedom, and in that freedom is the most astounding beauty you will even encounter even if you can't see it with the naked eye. That my friends is truly living so trust me when I say that in that freedom anď joy given and recieved you really will have the last laugh.

Peace out lovers..

Mama, madly xo

It is what it is.....

It's funny sometimes how perception can colour even the smallest of statements..

I recently went through a hard time with one of my kids, being special needs it is nothing new to me but it was scary in the moment and I felt like my heart was being clenched by an invisible force, with no control once again over the outcome..

I  was conversing about it with a girlfriend when I said to her as a closing statement "It is what it is" and she said, knowing me so well, 'I know it's not and I love you'.. In that moment it made me stop and take stock of not only my words but how people perceive them and thus react..

I have spent the better part of ten years repeating this statement when the conversation hit a point where I can no longer delve into the dynamics of our situation, when questions with no answers are asked, when the depth of emotion feels too deep to dive into and drowning is imminent, so I surface and pull myself out of the pool.. I am just so very tired.. This is self preservation and "It is what it is" has become my salvation.

I have come to realise this statement alone imbues a sense of relief to those asking, and halts any further questions because it is what it is flattens the surface and says "Really it is nothing, it is ok, I am fine"..

The fact is when a person states "it is what it is" it is not because there is no depth but more that they have come to a state of grace and acceptance over circumstances of which they have no control. Be it children, life, love, health, work or finances, when someone states "it is what it is" just recognise they are drowning and keeping their head above the water without being weighed down by the excess is something they literally cannot do if they open that Pandora's box.

Strong people, survivors, warriors, the best people hit with the hardest of times can be heard across the universe saying these five little words, and yet I need you to know that even though they feel peaceful and sure and it comes across as a fairly empty nothing statement, it is infact loaded with volumes. Volumes of pain and suffering and heartbreak, loaded with weight that people who have never experienced these circumstances will never understand and hopefully will not by the graces of the powers that be.. We say them as barriers to cushion the blows, we say them in gratitude that you really do not understand how deep the chasm runs, we say them to keep the wounds closed. We say them to keep our ability to rise everyday, put our two feet on the floor and do what needs to be done without breaking apart at the seams, we say them just to keep living..

I have spent so many hours alone, sleepless at night, crying in the shower, anxiety attacks in the car at the side of the road just trying to hold it together because if I don't I know I will unravel.. So when I, or someone like me says to you "it is what it is" please know that it does not come from a place of nonchalance or lack or nothing.. We do care, sometimes too much.. It comes from a space of everything, all at once in the deepest of ways.. and all we need is your knowing and your presence, because words can only ever skim the surface and your love means so much more than you will ever know.. Just sit with us in it and maybe hold our hand.. Presence means so very much. Just show up.

It really is just what it is, but always really so much more.........
 

Peace out

Mama, madly xo

The day I woke up...

I have spent the last few months in a whirlwind of superfluous thought, ever changing, an evolution of who I am becoming.. One minute I am grounded and steady the next I am throwing my thought processes out the window and starting afresh..

It's been an interesting time in this lead up to my 40th birthday and whilst it has had moments and degrees of difficulty I'd have preferred to not have experienced, on the whole it has been transformative and powerful. It has also been at the core so simple..

I have ridden a rollercoaster of self doubt for years, be it on a personal level and unreal self expectation or from feelings of doubt and inadequacy as I got older. Wondering if everyone around me got 'it', that 'it' that everyone else seems to get that opens the door to self fulfillment, and I unfortunately missed the memo. Or, I have wondered, are we truly all on a quest to work 'it' out, even though 'it' is indefinable to even the most intelligent beings I know..

I walked into my bathroom and caught myself sideways, I had messy hair and baby belly (from well over 10yrs ago) and heading towards 40 arse and I immediately started the age old internal war talk with myself.. "Get it together Lady, go to gym, atleast walk the dog, how can you gym with the kids and work and school and life thing, sort that out asap, look at your hair, omg my mirror is dirty, hmm I haven't cleaned my bathroom for atleast a week (ahem*two*), shit you forgot to pay for the kids excursion, I can't believe you chose curry for dinner the kids will bitch and moan for hours, did you hang out that washing from two days ago, you really should enrol in that course you need to expand your career horizons........."....
This diatribe continued until I caught my own eyes. My god I looked tired. And with that, weariness overtook me and I sat down...

When did this happen? This consistent barrage and self flagelating emotional verbal harm I impose on myself pretty much every hour of every day of my waking life!? When did I get so mean. To me?

I sat there is my 'dirty' clean bathroom for ages pondering myself and my life and I realised, all this amazing internal work I have been doing on myself for months, to be a better me has brought me to a really great point but could have been reached easier and faster If I had done just one thing right at the start of my journey. If I had just given myself a break and realised 'it' was an  unobtainable myth and that just doing my best and being myself was always what 'it' has always been about.

We can be so unkind to ourselves, raising expectations and standards to some level that we somewhere along the way created for ourselves believing these 'life' points that we need to reach are akin to adult brownie points that we are given by someone who doesnt exist who has created rules that aren't real about things that dont matter..

I may not own my own house or have perky boobs or have my proverbial shit sorted when it comes to dishes, financial planning, having any type of patience with idiots, knowing what I want to be when I grow up, how to parent kindly somedays, mastering the art of not speaking before thinking, getting drunk on weeknights, being on time, wearing jeans until they are so dirty they throw themselves in the washer and crying because its bather season again and I forgot to go to gym all year, but I do have a grateful heart, pretty good kids, I live very well, I always try to come from kindness, a body that is healthy and pretty much alive, awesome dance moves and a smile that can make others smile too..

I'm fairly sure that when I say, I like my life and where I'm at and where I'm going and those that are accompanying my journey that is what 'it' is all about..

It may have been in a bathroom, and the mirror may have reflected my ugly crying face but the day I stopped mean talking and bullying myself to be 'better' and realised just how good 'it' all is in my world is the day life embraced me and said gleefully "Finally, I have been waiting so long for you to see me, I have so much more to show you and now you are awake you can finally join in out here instead of living your life in knots in there"...

It's such an illusion and finally the light is on and this Lady is embracing her moments, be they good or bad, atleast I'm awake to them.. I suggest you do the same, I'm thinking your 'it' is fairly awesome too..

Mama, Madly xo

An open letter to The Man.....

Sometimes we make big things out of little thing and vice versa but they always in turn show us the reality of us, who we are, what we want and what we need.. Sometimes the smallest things give us the biggest lessons. This is an open letter to The Man, the one's of the past the one's of the future, this is just what it is............

I do not need excuses.
I need a man.
I need a man who is in line with me being a woman.
I need a man who will step into the fire with me.
Who meets me halfway.
I need consistency.
I need commitment.
I need honesty.
I need trustworthiness.
I need integrity.
I don't just need them I want them.

I want someone who values me as a whole.
Who understands when I put my heart in their hands it is something to be cherished and valued.
I need someone who is invested in me,
As I am invested in them
And treats that as a sacred space.

A man who is not in contact with the women he was sleeping with before me, let alone other ladies that may become new paths to wander down. He does not keep those doors open.
Not a man who has their interests invested in so many different areas that they are spread thin and scattered. He recognises that in keeping lines of communication open to other old loves and new possibilities means he doesn't have to commit fully to the present and to me, that this is not acceptable and a betrayal of trust that can be hard to ever mend, he sees the disrespect and hurt that it causes. So he doesn't.

I need someone who recognises I am not an option. There is no back up plan. He is not even interested in looking. We've got this. Together. I'm am a worthy investment, I am home.

I need a man who does not sit is his past and use it to excuse his life now and his behaviours, I need a man who owns his own bullshit. As do I.
I need a man who is man enough to step into his role as a King does to his Queen and does not question it. And never backs down. We have each others back. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Our loyalty never questioned.

I need a man who joins me when I say that anyone who tries to enter or re-enter my sacred space I keep for him and only him, in no uncertain terms has been told that my heart is invested with someone and I will not tolerate anyone who tries to enter that space, it is ours and ours alone.
And any woman trying to manoeuvre into our sacred space is kicked to the kerb without hesitation because he recognises the game and will not play it with my heart on the line.

I need respect.
As I would respect him.

I need that man to realise these are all very normal desires, needs and wants for a normal functioning healthy relationship and these are not unreasonable, I need him to know I in turn will offer all of that and more.

I need a connected man who wants to be my man and wants me to be his woman and does not hide me in shame, or fears he is cutting off other avenues. He owns me and our love publically because he is proud to call me his woman.

I want a man who has no doubt that I am the only road he wants to travel and build a future, a home and a life with me. Whether either of us come with empty arms and full hearts or an empire and a broken soul, we merge, we become US.

Be my best friend, my confidante, my biggest supporter.
Someone I can laugh with, talk to, be silent with, yell at, make up with, never feel like I am unheard or underestimated or ignored or unloved. Who only ever lays his hands on me in a loving or playful touch.
Someone who realises our life is the foundation to build everything else upon.

Someone I can trust with my life.

Who chooses me and it feels like freedom and not a burden.
Who knows I will hold him above all other men even when times get tough or money is tight or work is bad or kids are sick or nights get long I will love him harder and I will never walk, never leave, never abandon him as he would never do to me. I will be 80% when he can only be 20% and vice versa. I will support him without question. Even when I don't want to, as he will do for me in return.

A man who is prepared to fight and work for our relationship. One who talks to me. I need genuine. I need generosity of spirit. Who never disregards my feelings or thoughts or processes.
I need a man with endurance because if you are going to atleast try you need to be all in to really give it a red hot go.

I do not want a friend I fuck.
Someone I get only on their terms. Only when they want or desire. Who pushes me away when I get too close and sucks me in when I start to wander too far and maybe he might lose me.

I want a partner. I deserve the universe. My man deserves the universe.
We should have that together. Even if that Universe is just us, happy, living and building a world for ourselves, being the best of ourselves that we can be and totally supporting each other in that.

So to all the men knocking on my door who do not want that.
You are not and will never be the man.
I am too old to be fucking around anymore, I am too aware to allow my precious time left to be wasted, I would rather be alone than half invested. I do not want to live with regret.
I am a sorted woman, I don't actually need a man but I would like one to share my life with.
Do I expect a lot? Sure.. but it is nothing I will not give back in return.

For all the men I allowed access
The one's I've loved
I am not sorry for that.
But you are not the man.

It is heartbreaking and sad
Because you could of been the man,
I would never have allowed you in if I did not see that inside you.
So It's not that you are not the man,
It's that you chose not to be the man.
So you are not the man.

The man will meet me on the bridge, In the fire, In the middle and when one jumps the other jumps too. Sometimes a real Soulmate comes into your life to slap you awake so you can start living your best life for you. Maybe you were not the man nor I the woman but we did slap each other awake.

To all the men I have loved you are so this man you just don't believe it or trust yourself or anyone else. So I have to let go, allow you the freedom to go, to be miserable with a girl who puts up with your shit and allows you to be badly behaved and never answerable for how you treat her. A girl will do that. A woman will not. A woman wants to empower you, not hold you back.

Your girl won't want the Universe for you, she'll make you into her universe, she won't want your growth or for you to reach your potential as a man. To open up to all that you are, that the world has pushed down inside you with heartbreak and unrelenting fear and pain.
You'll be safe with her. Because you are not really invested and she will never insist on it in case she loses you in the outfalls like I have done each and every time I stand up for myself and my rights and my needs, but also trying to empower a man to step up who is too scared to fly.
Eventually it will kill you, kill your spirit, because there is no life in mediocrity and all your could have been's will rise up like bile, burning every word you speak and  haunting your long lonely nights but you'll be safe and in total control. It breaks my heart for you. But....

Me?
I'm removing myself from any love equation if you are not or cannot or are unwilling to try.
Why?
Because I deserve everything, and,

This time I choose ME.

"If a battle cannot be won do not fight it." - SunTzu -The Art of War-

Mama, Madly...................

To ride a raging sea.........

Today I feel Rage
I am enraged
I have rage
I will rage
The rage wells and ebbs and flows inside me
and today it is seeping out.

I always feel like I am on the other side, no longer affected by a decade+ long journey of being in a domestically emotionally abusive and violent relationship. That is until it rears it's ugly head and the rage comes and burns in my veins, fills my soul with these pits of fiery anger.. After being expressed it silently and surely ebbs away, with me assuming this is the last time it will show its very ugly head (until the next time).

I had a situation come up with my ex regarding our children and him allowing them to spend time with an inappropriate person amongst a few other issues in regards to actually looking after them and their health and wellbeing over this last weekend. All of a sudden this pit in my belly started to rise and turn and spark and fire up and bam, I was right back where I was 3yrs ago, looking at this man that I had once loved and had children with but on the other hand loathed with all my being, and it enraged my soul to see the behaviour had not changed and now my children were being subjected to it.

He called me ridiculous (as always), said I was jealous (as the other party was a woman) and made me actually step back and question my behaviour (always making me doubt myself), I wont even go into him physically threatening me. So I sat. In my rage, I moved through my day, I met my sister for a coffee, I shopped for my children's new school shoes, I made their lunches and I just sat with this feeling in my heart and allowed it to evolve so I could understand what was really going on.

What I came to realise is I was in Rage. At him rightly so, the situation being not acceptable, be it a man, woman or animal, my children need him to step up as a Father when he is in that role and my jealousy was actually non existent. I realised he always made me question myself. He always made me feel badly about my reactions. He always incited rage in my soul with his own behaviours but never allowed me to speak my truth.

And then I realised He did all this because I allowed it and the Rage I was feeling was really at myself.

When I met this man I was young, free, and had an entire life ahead of me
He took me and moulded me.
He beat me, he belittled me and he turned me into a shadow of myself.
And I allowed it.
He hurt me, he shamed me and he made me feel unloved and unlovable.
And I allowed it.
He took the sweetest, happiest, kindest parts of me and would cut me down until
I either stopped or would only subserviently behave the way he felt appropriate,
and on occasion I became black and bitter and acted as such, just like him,
And I allowed it.

I am in Rage
I am raging that this man is still allowed space in my life
I am enraged that I bore beautiful children to his man and his revolting soul gets to help shape who they become, and when I see parts of his bad behaviour shine through in them every part of my body screams.
I am in rage because all the soft, feminine, loving parts of me hide away in the deepest corners of my heart and although desperately need love are so scared of it I shy away from it.
I rage because when a man moves towards me I involuntarily step back, or move or tense awaiting a  hurt that will not come.
I am enraged because I was told for 10yrs that I had an ugly heart, soul, mind and body and I believed all of it. I stopped loving myself and never thought I would be loveable to anyone else.
I rage because some days I feel hard and impenetrable and alone, like a defenseless Mama bear with her two cubs facing off against a band of hunters holding guns.
And it hurts, it hurts that sometimes I feel my good, sweet, loving heart has been wasted
and maybe I will never get a chance to know the love of a good man who will not squash me into small spaces to make him feel better about his own inadequacies. 

And then, right at the very centre of this rage is unadulterated sadness, because I allowed this life to happen, to myself. Not anymore.

I embrace the rage, the raging river of emotion of who and how I have become who I am and I recognise it as growth. It is ok for me to speak my truth and walk my talk and be radiantly who I am without questioning it because of him. I am a Mama Bear protecting her cubs and that is ok. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy (his bad behaviour being an offshoot of aspergergers), and a very likeable nice guy. He is a good Dad more often than not and I appreciate his presence in the children's lives. But this time he was not and it was absolutely my right to not only question it but to demand better.

Anyone who has been in a physically or emotionally abusive or toxic relationship will know what I am talking about, please know from me to you, eventually the Rage will fade and the fire will die and a bit like how sand is made into glass from heat something beautiful will be born..

This rage is righteous and raw and real and it is me. It is positivity and growth and healing in motion.. I don't need to rage against anything just face the storm and know that it will wash everything clean